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Original poster

Was I rude and disrespectful?

191 replies

MellowMelly · 15/03/2018 08:49

This is my first time doing this so please be patient with me:)
I live at home with my 15 year old daughter and my partner lives in his own place. I alternate my time between both of them every other evening. On the days/evenings that I’m not with him he will call me up to 5 times for a chat and he will text message me too.
He called me the other day for the third time in one morning and whilst I was on the phone to him my daughter needed some help so I asked him to hold on briefly and apologised while I helped her. She very rarely interrupts so I saw no problem in this as I speak to him so much each day anyway!
Well apparently this was not ok! When I saw him the other evening he went on a rant and said that when I did this I was rude and disrespectful to him and now he is saying that when I stay over at his, that she shouldn’t call me when I’m with him unless it’s a dire emergency as it’s ‘our time’ together and she interrupts this BUT it’s ok for him to call me when I’m spending time with her?
Was I rude and disrespectful?

OP posts:
TheSaviorsAreNonU · 16/03/2018 11:25

yes you are! Well done for seeing it :)

TheSecretMole · 16/03/2018 11:25

Just read your thread - am so pleased you’ve seen who he really is (an abusive, selfish, horrible wanker!) and are ending it.

Would definitely agree it’s safest to do it over the phone. Do you have a friend who could be with you at the time in case he does come round? You can be sure he will attempt to come round to your house multiple times, so make sure you have plans in place in advance of this. Good idea ringing 101 Smile

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 11:29

I have Women’s Aid number now. Will seek some advice from them too. You are all being so helpful that I’m sending you all a heartfelt thanksFlowers

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/03/2018 11:38

Holy crap. This makes sad reading. Don't delay. You can't be in a relationship with this man. No one can.

GaraMedouar · 16/03/2018 11:48

Good luck MellowMelly - glad you’re taking steps to get out of this abusive relationship Flowers

Costacoffeeplease · 16/03/2018 12:28

Gosh, the threats against my animals would be a mega deal breaker for meShock

NathusiusPip · 16/03/2018 12:28

Melly you are in an abusive relationship - threatening your pets (sick fucker Angry Angry), banging into you, drunken ranting, controlling behaviour; all abusive.

Thank fuck you don't live him with. Get some advice from women's aid and well done on calling 101. I would finish with him by text or email (so that there's a written record) and be very definite about it - 'Our relationship is over because of your controlling and abusive behaviour. I will not change my mind - your behaviour has killed any love I felt for you. Do not contact me again - any attempt to do so will be reported as harrassment'.

TheSecretMole · 16/03/2018 13:05

I would echo what NathusiusPip said re the text..

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 13:06

So he called me and I told him I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. He very CALMLY asked me my reasons and I told him. I did mention his demand that my daughter doesn’t call me unless it is a dire emergency. He said ‘I have no problem with your daughter calling you but does it have to be about such pathetic things sometimes, things that can wait till she sees you later’ .
I told him it was an unreasonable request as she is 15 years old and quite rightly wants to speak to me, her mother, and that I’d never tell him that HIS daughter or son couldn’t call him when we are together! I also told him he gets unreasonably angry and insulting towards me over small things when he drinks. He said that the drink makes him more vocal about issues that he needs to talk about and it all comes out of his mouth the wrong way or I take it the wrong way. Then he says he needs to start being more jolly and let small things go. He makes it all sound so reasonable?!
I presume this part is the clever manipulation to stop me from leaving him! He has now put the phone down on me because I said about his drinking!

OP posts:
TheSaviorsAreNonU · 16/03/2018 13:11

Stick to your guns!!

Well done you. He WILL go into fight mode once he sees that being "reasonable" doesn't manipulate you into doing what he wants.

ceecee32 · 16/03/2018 13:12

He is trying to get you to contact him to apologise for wanting out of the relationship. He wants you to grovel - dont do it.

PositivelyPERF · 16/03/2018 13:13

He’s basically just dismissed you and told you that the relationship still exists. Please tell me he doesn’t have a key to your home. Don’t get into discussions because that’s how he’s going to fuck with your head. Just keep repeating that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him.

Arkengarthdale · 16/03/2018 13:13

Please don't be suckered in because he's calm now. Remember what it's really like day in day out. You've described it so clearly on here. Go back and read your own posts again. If you give it another try he will be nice for a bit then it will get worse again, he will say it's all your own fault and you will feel guilty that you're in the situation again and so it becomes harder to leave. He may try the old 'lost without you' now that he knows you're wanting to leave. He may well shower you with gifts and love. Please don't get suckered in! Stay strong

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 13:14

@TheSecretMole, yes I’ve now copied and pasted what NathusiusPip has written ready to send in a text message to him!
I’m doing this all while he is at work because I know it gives me time to get us all out of here today.

OP posts:
Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 13:23

@PositivelyPERF he luckily doesn’t have a key to my home and I have CCTV pointed at all access points around my home and the monitor is in my living room so I can see any activity at the best of times.
I feel this is the calm before the stormHmm

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 16/03/2018 13:25

Thank goodness for that. Hopefully the cameras will put him off causing any grief outside your property, but don’t let him in, no matter what he says. Can you hang up an attack alarm at the door as the noise might scare him off if he try’s to enter. He sounds very volatile.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/03/2018 13:30

I'm guessing he will phone again later, when he has had a few to give you more abuse as to why you should finish with him.

DO NOT get into a conversation with him. Tell him because you have decided that this is not working anymore and hang up. Then block on everything and ignore.

You don't have to give him a reason nor do you have let him talk at you to get you to change your mind.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/03/2018 13:32

I'm guessing he will phone again later, when he has had a few to give you more abuse REASONS as to why you shouldn't finish with him.
Even I have a crappy keyboard that keeps missing letters

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 13:32

@PositivelyPERF you’ve just made a really good point. The job that he does means he has tools in his van to gain entry to properties.
I have a personal YALE alarm that I think I can wrangle around the door so should he enter it will pull the pin out.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfSox · 16/03/2018 13:33

Having just read your update, I’m glad you have taken this bull by the horns. He has been gaslighting you for so long now that you don’t know which way is up anymore. So well done for trying to sort your life out, I know it’s probably tough for you, but I just wanted to show some support.
💐🥂🍸 have this bouquet, some champagne and a cocktail. Let’s all get drunk and tell you “you’re too good for him”. Until someone needs to hold hair out of the way. X

BettyBaggins · 16/03/2018 13:36

Well done op, stick to your guns Star

Forevertired19 · 16/03/2018 13:36

She's only 15! I'm sure Iegally she's allowed on her own but seriously, at 15, how does she feel?
I think you need to make her the priority here. Not him.

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 13:37

@Clutterbugsmum thanks that gave me a much needed chuckle today. Yes you’re right. I’m expecting a follow up phonecall as I don’t think I’m playing ball with him right now. I think he is expecting me to call him and grovel as some of the pp’s have said.

OP posts:
Forevertired19 · 16/03/2018 13:38

Ah right, sorry OP didn't realise she had a baby.
Honestly ltb. He sounds controlling.

spiderbear · 16/03/2018 13:59

Well done for getting rid. Stick to your guns - he's sounds like he's gonna be hard work to get shut of completely for a while but he'll go away eventually.. you've done the right thing after realising what a controlling weirdo he is and put you, your DD and GC first.

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