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Original poster

Was I rude and disrespectful?

191 replies

MellowMelly · 15/03/2018 08:49

This is my first time doing this so please be patient with me:)
I live at home with my 15 year old daughter and my partner lives in his own place. I alternate my time between both of them every other evening. On the days/evenings that I’m not with him he will call me up to 5 times for a chat and he will text message me too.
He called me the other day for the third time in one morning and whilst I was on the phone to him my daughter needed some help so I asked him to hold on briefly and apologised while I helped her. She very rarely interrupts so I saw no problem in this as I speak to him so much each day anyway!
Well apparently this was not ok! When I saw him the other evening he went on a rant and said that when I did this I was rude and disrespectful to him and now he is saying that when I stay over at his, that she shouldn’t call me when I’m with him unless it’s a dire emergency as it’s ‘our time’ together and she interrupts this BUT it’s ok for him to call me when I’m spending time with her?
Was I rude and disrespectful?

OP posts:
Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 09:27

@SparklyMagpie Hi!
One phonecall this morning where I got to listen to his road rage twice in ten minutes. He nearly got out of his van to confront someone. Was not the right moment for me to end it as I know he would steam round here.
I also tried yesterday but he was on a rant at me about babysitting. Because I didn’t tell him this means that I’m a ‘liar’ and I’m being ‘underhanded’. If I end it when he is in this mood I know he will steam round here.
I feel like a wimp right nowBlush

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 16/03/2018 09:35

I would consider putting a letter through his door. You don't owe him an explanation. It means he cannot drive immediately to you. It's the most he deserves. In fact, I would do it by text if I knew he was far away.

TwitterQueen1 · 16/03/2018 09:36

Oh OP he sounds awful! Don't lose heart now - your life will be so much improved without this angry man in your life. Is there someone else you can ask to be with you when you tell him? And if he does 'steam' round to you, DON'T let him in. And if he starts demonstrating violent or threatening behaviour don't hesitate to call the police.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 16/03/2018 09:37

He ranted at you because (I'm assuming here) you're going to babysit your grandchild? And you're too scared to end it because you know he'll go steaming round to your house? Christ, he sounds dangerous.

Right, you need to get yourself, your daughter, her partner and GC out of the house for the weekend to stay somewhere he doesn't know. Do you have friends who could help? Then call him to end it. If he does head round, you'll be safely somewhere else.

If after the weekend he comes round shouting the odds, or worse, call the police.

OssomMummy1 · 16/03/2018 09:41

Put yourself in that child's position and think. Common sense.

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 09:49

@WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo you assumed correctly. I told her to go and spend the afternoon yesterday with a friend for a few hours so she could just have a break for a bit. This resulted in him ranting at meConfused. He said he feels so angry at the moment and that he is going to explode.
I feel like this is going to get incredibly messy.
I do need to make some serious plans for our safety now.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 16/03/2018 09:59

Bloody hell!

OP is there any chance you,Your daughter,GC could go away for the weekend?that way you don't have to worry about if he came round as you'll all be safe somewhere else

It seems like no time will be a good time to do this, but if you can be somewhere else ?

Just curious ( being nosey ha )but what was the reason his last relationship ended? I'm just wondering what bull shit he fed you about that, as he sounds frightening an I can only imagine he's been like this in previous relationships

NathusiusPip · 16/03/2018 10:01

Melly has he ever hurt you or threatened to hurt you? His anger, ranting and drinking are ringing huge alarm bells for me as to what he might do when you finish it.

I'm glad this thread has helped you realise what a nasty, selfish, controlling piece of work he is, though. You need him out of your life - definitely and finally. Do you have any intimidating friends or family to support you in this if he gets nasty? Is he prone to being violent?

ArcheryAnnie · 16/03/2018 10:11

OP, was going to answer your original post, but see that your circumstances have moved on. I think you are being amazing, and I am so glad you posted. It's so hard when you are in the middle of something, when awful behaviour from a partner has come to seem so normal (when it's anything but), and it's these threads that really help. (I finally left my now-ex when I realised what I'd answer - "wtf, LTB!" - if a friend came to me with the same relationship problems I'd been having.)

Good luck in getting this man out of your life. It's hard, but your life will be so much better.

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 10:13

In pure honesty, his last relationship ended because apparently he was an abusive alcoholic. He was involved in a domestic altercation which led him to be arrested for Affray and two other charges that I can’t remember and he did one week in Wandsworth prison and a years anger management course. Of course when he admitted all this he said it was all the ex wife’s fault and she lied. I believe him at the time because he painted her out to be some sort of crazy monster.
Now I know it wasn’t her. It’s definitely him.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 16/03/2018 10:22

Yep knew whatever the reason he'd have painted it out to be her.

Atleast you can see now OP !

I also wanted to ask if he's ever put his hands on you or been rough?

ddrmum · 16/03/2018 10:30

Looks like he's a full on abuser.The fact he got a custodial sentence indicates that it was pretty serious abuse. He won't change and I applaud you for seeing the light. The safety of you & your family is the real issue here. You've made your decision - 'it's no longer working for me' should suffice but have no reservations about dialling 999 if he doesn't like it. Make it clear to him that you will call the police if he harasses you in any way. Going forward - do not engage on any level - phone, text, meetups etc. That would be dangerous, especially if you don't do what he wants.
Look up grey rock.He's an oxygen thief / emotional vampire.
Having being in a similar place, I (& plenty of others) can tell you it's so much better (& more peaceful!)on the other side for you and your DD.

Costacoffeeplease · 16/03/2018 10:31

Can you contact the police and let them know that you’re concerned for your safety?

TheSaviorsAreNonU · 16/03/2018 10:46

Oh good Lord what possessed you to be with this man?

I would consider calling the police or women's aid maybe? in your position and getting some help/advice.

Just stop returning his calls and answering your phone. You owe him nothing.

TheSaviorsAreNonU · 16/03/2018 10:47

Yes I would text him and say you don't want anything to do with him, and that you will call the police immediately if you get any harassing or abusive stuff from him. Then change your number.

MarthasGinYard · 16/03/2018 10:48

Op call Police non emergency

They can call him or visit him if he continues with this.

Don't answer don't communicate and keep evidence of calls texts etc.

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 10:56

He has never laid a finger on me but I’ve had a couple of times where he has kicked off and I’ve been walking through the room and he smacks his shoulder into my shoulder when there’s plenty of room to manoeuvre around me. It’s as if he guides himself into me on purpose.
I’ve called 101 and explained the situation. They’ve put my landline number on a ‘rapid response’ by police should 999 be called from it.

OP posts:
Abitlost2015 · 16/03/2018 10:57

There is not going to be a good time to end it. It is not going to be easy. Don’y Wait for the perfect time because it will not happen. Tell him and tell him if he approaches you you will call the police and don’t hesitate in doing so. Good luck. Be strong

purplelass · 16/03/2018 10:59

I'd definitely ask either the police or Womens Aid (or similar) for advice if it's likely that he's going to turn nasty.

I really feel for you, what a horrible situation to be in. I truly hope you're able to get out of it quickly and easily. You're not being a wimp, you're scared and quite justifiably by the sounds of it. Look after yourself x

TheSaviorsAreNonU · 16/03/2018 11:03

OP you're doing really well.

Seriously impressed at your strength

bastardkitty · 16/03/2018 11:03

In view of all of the above, especially the comment that he's so angry he could explode, I would text saying you don't want to be around that and will leave him to sort himself out/seek help. I would just remove myself basically and announce the actual end of the relationship at a later point after you have ignored him for a week or two. Well done for calling the police. Crazy exes eh? Wink

Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 11:11

@NathusiusPip he has never threatened to hurt me but would regularly threaten to drown one of my cats or ‘brain’ my dog and then say he is joking but I always thought that was a pretty sick thing to say. Having read yesterday about people like my partner it seems that this isn’t a goodbye sign either.
My alarm bells should of been going off much earlierSad
In regards to his drinking, he drinks 8 cans of Strongbow every night and gets really pissed off when he runs out. I’ve also found him on many occasion swigging from other bottles of alcohol secretly in the evenings between cans of Strongbow. When I asked him why he does that he said it gives him an extra buzz.

OP posts:
Original poster
MellowMelly · 16/03/2018 11:15

Basically after all my frantic googling and talking with you all on here, I’ve realised that I’m not going mental (as he so likes to make me think it’s all my fault and manipulate the situation to make himself sound so entirely reasonable!) but I’m with a emotionally/mentally abusive alcohol dependent twit.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 16/03/2018 11:22

The comments you've just said he's made about your pets is sickening :(

The sooner you can away from him the better! And I'm so glad you can see that it's been red flags from the start

But, you know now and you can see it and you're going to end it and I think the difference you'll see once this is all over will be huge!

Really frightening. Would you ring women's aid for a chat? They can help support you to do this and give you some amazing advice

Glitterandunicorns · 16/03/2018 11:25

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You sound like a great mum.

I just wanted to echo the previous posters and say please please get rid of this awful man. He sounds abusive and you and your daughter would be far better off without him.

The very fact that you've had to set up an emergency line with the police should tell you this.

Please don't wait for the next time he's abusive. Get rid ASAP and have a lovely life without an abusive wastrel. Thanks