Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

[DoYouRegret]

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

Yes it’s his body but there are reasons why the NHS would not do it at such a young age. He might not want more children now but lots of things could change in the future including breakdown in his marriage or simply a change of hart. It sounds like he is being influenced by his family. OP needs to sit down and talk through possibilities and how she feels about it. Being so young you have to consider what will happen if you don’t stay together. If he goes ahead then he won’t be able to have more children if he was to leave and enter another relationship, you on the other hand could?
I don’t think I could stay with someone who’s longtearm outlook is different than mine.

Really Random ? I've been on MN years and never seen that. Not without telling their partners . Making the ultimate decision yes. Without telling an absent former partner... Maybe, although I think a whole thread wouldn't fail to raise an eyebrow unless the ex had been abusive. In a marriage though I've never seen a thread where people say it's fine not to tell the father!

Abortion isn't a direct parallel anyway - female sterilisation is the direct parallel. Sterilisation is the permanent removal of any future chance to have children. Abortion is ending one pregnancy. The issues have some similarities but are not the same. Some people will feel totally differently about each.

Abortion is of course a decision which has to be made under intense time pressure. Vasectomy is not.

'An abortion is different from sterilisation.'

In the sense that one ends a potential life and the other prevents that from ever occurring, okay. Both, however, are decisions are person can make regarding his/her own ability to reproduce, which is entirely one person's right to make on their own.

'I've been on MN years and never seen that. Not without telling their partners . '

I have, particularly if the OP reveals the partner is a dickhead.

If everyone in his family are do against his procreating are you sure they don’t have a genetic condition?

Maybe something that presents in males like Huntingdons?

Would explain why on seeing a healthy girl he knew he didn’t need to take any more risks.

Everything ChaosNeverRains and MorrisZapp said.
Totally agree with expat as well.
Been reading through the comments and smirking at the double standards on here.
Seriously men are actually continuously getting slagged off for not taking proper steps towards contraception and now a man is ready to do it, he STILL gets slagged off?
I have come across so many threads where the woman is pregnant and the partner does not want the woman to have the baby and everyone is quick to shout "YOUR body, YOUR choice. Leave him if you have to"
And despite the OP clearly mentioning she doesn't want to break her family over this,I cannot believe the number of people actually advising her to leave. She doesn't want to,why enforce this idea on her that she will resent her DH and leave anyways so why not leave now. Let time speak for itself.
I am so glad I am not the only one of this opinion though.
As for the nasty grandparents, that's exactly how my MIL is. It hurts me a lot sometimes but I have already decided I would keep DD away from her if she keeps going on and on about her comments.
So just keep your DD away from the kind of people who could have a negative impact on her, to whichever extent you can.

Elocutioner, paragraph 4 of the OP - DD wasn’t planned.

It's his body and his choice.

^This exactly!

'Maybe something that presents in males like Huntingdons?'

Huntington's disease is not X-linked and effects men and women equally.

@expatinscotland but it’s not that simple really is it? To walk away from a marriage when you already have a child is such a huge decision.

It could feel like choice was taken away because you don’t want to break up your family.

Ask him to go to couples counselling with you, OP.

I’d insist on this pre-vasectomy. I assume you love him and want to stay together long-term, sobits a marriage issue - his decision could cause resentment.

You both need to discuss it together in a forum with an impartial mediator, so that both your voices are heard and understood.

I didn't want to "break up" my family over similar, but I wish I'd done it sooner. I'm trying not to project, but in my situation my ex's refusal to try for a second child was symptomatic of a whole bunch of other stuff.

I'm surprised any doctor would do this at that age, nothing to do with the wife thing, just at 24 there's a high chance he could meet someone else and things change.

Hongs comment above not helpful and fucking rude! I had my kids aged 22 and 27 and I'm a good Mum thanks

There's lots of issues here. The arse hole grandparents for one, it's awful they tell everyone that! Will they be able to censor themselves when your dd gets older? How awful if she over hears her Nan and grandad never wanting her!

Secondly your oh is a selfish piece of shit. You are still young. Leave and find someone who doesn't think the world revolves round him. I was a single Mum aged 22 and met someone new only 6 months after my baby was born, we are now married with another boy. Your child rearing years do not have to be over because of on man.

The feelings of a third party - even if that third party is a spouse - should not be taken into account. It's the patients consent only that is required

Completely agree, his body his choice. As far as im concerned if i want a hysterectomy its my body, my choice, what my partner wants is irrelevant. Even in the case of abortion and he knows this and agrees

Your choice op is can you move past it or is it a deal breaker

Being so magnanimous and proceeding without even pretending to consider your partner (and child's!) feelings is just a dick move. His attitude and tact is really very immature ("I just don't want any more, ever." - eh? You're 25!) and I wonder how much influence his parents/grandparents are having on this "choice". I actually feel sorry for him, they sound like cocks. It takes strength to block out that sort of manipulation from your own parents and plough your own furrow without their support.

Agree that how he's dealing with this is symptomatic of other issues- dealing with parenthood and "settling down" at a young age, potential FOMO, and most importantly, his weird ass parents. I think you should stop trying to convince him and say you'll not stand in his way, but ask him to consent to joint counselling before he goes for the procedure given its permanent nature. I think if he refuses to agree even to that, you've got to really assess who he's trying to please here.

OP. I'm many years older than you. I'm expecting DC no. 2. I'm 41. I'm not the oldest new mum I know. You could have a baby in 15 years from now, maybe 17 - 18 years, but not with your DH.

How does that make you feel?

We thought we were only having one, but that was just trying and nothing happening so we cut our cloth around just having one child. Neither of us decided to walk away from the option to have more children.

On the Relationship boards, loads of people will say "if they tell you who they are, listen". I'm sorry OP but he's telling you who he is. He's putting his family's views first, he's letting his family pay to remove your rights to a bigger family, and he's telling you he doesn't want more children with you. Listen to him - then decide if that's what you thought you were marrying. I don't know I could stay in that family; the views and actions of his wider family would knaw away at me even if I could accept he was just being honest with me.

The failure rate of Nexplanon contraceptive implants is 0.05%.
For the husband to refuse to rely on his wife using this for 3 years, rather than a rushed and ill considered vasectomy, is unreasonable.
I wonder if he is resentful of their first unplanned baby and is trying to engineer a divorce?
Whatever, his attitude to the marriage and complete indifference to his wife’s feelings on such an important matter suggest to me that this marriage is over in all but name.
I’d advise the couple to go for counselling about their entire relationship, not just the pregnancy issue. His relationship with his parents also needs examination.

His attitude and tact is really very immature ("I just don't want any more, ever." - eh? You're 25!)

I was 22 when i had dd. The day she was born i wanted no more. Nothing has changed 8 years on.
Even at 25 he very well may be sure he is done

Perhaps throw in talk about the possibility of screening eggs for genetic conditions just in case he isn't aware of this.

All you can do is warn him that he is risking the family he has in taking this unilateral decision, in that you have no way of knowing how you will feel in the future or if you will be happy to live with his decision. He needs to consider the possibility of life on his own as part of the decision making. Then it's up to him and up to you whether you can live with his decision.

FWIW I think it's red flag that he just doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't seem to respect you. There should be a lot of discussion around this decision even if he does end up having it. How much discussion has there really been op?

It isn’t a third party though. It’s his partner.

She isn’t saying “no you can’t have one”. She saying “we should think about this”.

Ultimately yes his choice but it seems very unilateral

He isn’t making a decision in isolation. But ultimately if the OP leaves him because of it, then he has only himself to blame.

When they got together he wanted " 2 or 3 or maybe even 4"
He was 20/21?

I still think something medical/hereditary and if that#s the case will it impact on your DD.

Can you ask them (the DP and GP) directly , face to face?
They might imagine that they're saving you from future pain. And that might be the reason for the private referall (who would still have to follow guidelines but quicker than NHS?)

If he wanted to freeze his sperm they'd discuss this with him.I'm guessing he doesn't.

What was his family's reaction when you got married?

Wow his parents & grandparents are waaaaay too involved in your marriage. It's his life (&yours) not theirs to butt into your joint child rearing/baring choices. I agree, they are affecting his thinking on this.

I think most new parents think "never again" it's exhausting & robs you of the freedom you knew before, but that passes. This is not a decision he should be making in his own when it affects your future fertility with him too & 2 years after having a DC is way too soon for such a decision anyway, he will live to regret it.

My own DD is an only, not by choice, Just the way things worked out for us, it didn't bother me or DH at the time, but now she's a teenager, we really regret, as does she that she has no siblings.

You can't make these decisions on your own in a marriage, especially not with so much interference from his family. Whether I wanted more kids are not at the time. This would be a dealbreaker for me as he is making a decision for both of you & his family seem to have more say than you. FFS his GM is even enabling it

He needs to be told that it's not on, his family need to butt out or you can't see how your marriage is going to last when he thinks their opinion matters more in such a huge decision that affects you & your DD far more than it does them

Ref other comments...

I really don't think you can compare abortion with sterilisation. Abortion is no, not this time. Sterilisation is NEVER!! You cannot make a decision like that on your own & not expect it to have an impact on your marriage

Of course it is his body, his choice.

To decide to have a vasectomy without debate, discussion and consideration of other options is very very disrespectful.

He is indeed showing who he is. And it’s not nice.

I really don't think you can compare abortion with sterilisation. Abortion is no, not this time. Sterilisation is NEVER!! You cannot make a decision like that on your own & not expect it to have an impact on your marriage

Who says no impact? But yes one can just make a choice like that.
Abortion and sterilization are comparable, both broken down are about bodily autonomy