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One-child families

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Original poster

Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

324 replies

DoYouRegret · 23/01/2018 23:54

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it Sad) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 07:56

Hang on a minute, he hasn’t said that the parents are the reason for his not wanting children has he? The OP is merely extrapolating this from the fact that his parents have said what they said. How is it that if it were the OP it would be “her body her choice” but because it’s the man he must A, have been influenced by others, clearly not able to make his own decisions,” and B, prepared to consider the OP as this shouldn’t be his decision to make?

And isn’t it interesting that if the OP suggested long-term contraception for herself given that the woman would need to be responsible for that,) and said contraception failed and the husband wanted her to have a termination the same people saying that he is in the wrong here would be shouting that it was “her body her choice” and that if he didn’t want another baby he should have had a vasectomy.

I actually admire someone for being that decisive about their future that they’re prepared to take responsibility for it. So what if he’s only 24. He’s an adult no?

And if the OP leaves the marriage over this then splitting up her family will have been her choice, not his fault. But on mn only women have bodily autonomy apparently. Hmm.

Bluedoglead · 26/01/2018 07:56

If I want to take the pill. Or not take the pill. Or go for my tubes tied. That’s up to me. If my partner doesn’t like it then he can decide wrhther it’s a deal breaker but he can’t stop me.

Shimmershimmerandshine · 26/01/2018 07:57

I'm utterly gobsmacked that in 2018 anyone would believe a spouse has the right to veto who a husband or wife does with his/her body.

Agree.

However, if he goes ahead with this he is unlikely to still be her spouse in 5 years. However much she doesn't want to split up the family if she wants more children and is only 25 that is highly likely to be a deal breaker. This massively impacts on the OP's life also.

It is highly likely that he will decide at some point it was a mistake despite his 'adult' status.

JustAnIdiot · 26/01/2018 07:59

You are an adult at 24 but evidence suggests your are still adolescent till that sort of age, with all the impulsive and misguided behaviour that comes with it.

His parents sound awful. Presumably they feel too young to be grandparents or something. Not up to them.

Katinkka · 26/01/2018 07:59

Poor you. If it were me we’d have to part ways. I couldn’t compromise on it.

Elocutioner · 26/01/2018 07:59

Actually Chaos I think yet again here is an example of something which is expected to be black and white every time on MN - "your body your choice".

And actually it isn't black and white in real life at all. As a couple, it should be an agreed decision.

There are many ways here that OP's DH can get the result he wants which don't involve him having a vasectomy.

Mustang27 · 26/01/2018 08:00

My dh did this on the bus as we were older and had more children and yes, it has driven a wedge between us which I don't think I will ever get over.

^^ here you go. I think the above situation is exactly how it will play out for you @DoYouRegret. I'm sorry this is what you are having to go through.

Shimmershimmerandshine · 26/01/2018 08:01

And if the OP leaves the marriage over this then splitting up her family will have beenherchoice, not his fault. But on mn only women have bodily autonomy apparently.

No, it is both of their choices that would result in it. Same as if a woman decided she didn't want children but her DH did. Particularly as the one child thing was introduced after they got married.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/01/2018 08:02

I know someone that did this at 24. Unfortunately they took advantage of being infertile to have lots of affairs, but I don't think that was the vasectomy. They then, predictably, met someone who wanted them to reverse it.

It's a crazy thing to do age 24 and odd given you had one child and on the day of their birth he was just 'done' with the whole thing.

Even odder that his family appear to be encouraging this and paying for it (a very strange thing for a grandparent to pay for indeed).

I can't help- I have no idea why he's doing this, given there's no need for a definitive decision right this second. I think it will eat away at you over time, because I'm not convinced about what's going on, it all just seems off-centre and it is that which is likely to destabilise things rather than you necessarily being very angry at him.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 26/01/2018 08:04

It's 2 separate issues (3 if you count the inappropriate grandparents).

  1. bodily autonomy - yes, ultimately he has the right to make all decisions about his own body, as do we all.

  2. Marriage/ long term partnership means mutual respect, caring about each other and not making permanent life changing decisions which hugely impact your partner without slot of mutual discussion and soul searching. Ultimately compromise (medium term contraception, doubled up as in for example coil or implant plus him taking responsibility for always using a condom) would be a compromise that would take both partner's wishes into account for a few years, agreeing to have another heart to heart in X amount of time (3 years say).

undercoveragent · 26/01/2018 08:04

Actually splitting the family would be his choice if he goes ahead with the op knowing what that means for his partner.

Believeitornot · 26/01/2018 08:05

I'm utterly gobsmacked that in 2018 anyone would believe a spouse has the right to veto who a husband or wife does with his/her body

Really? This is more than body autonomy. It’s about closing off future family plans which dont just affect him. There are other ways to avoid having children.

It’s not like having a tattoo.

MorrisZapp · 26/01/2018 08:06

What expat said.

Men are continually slagged off on here for not taking full responsibility for contraception and moaning when unplanned pregnancy occurs.

This man does not want an unplanned pregnancy, so he is taking steps to avoid it.

And getting slagged off.

SleepFreeZone · 26/01/2018 08:06

Wow. Well that’s one hell of a decision for him to make alone! I suspect he has signed the death null in your marriage OP.

undercoveragent · 26/01/2018 08:07

My dh did this on the bus

And apologies for damn autocorrect-of course he didn't do it on the bus, he had it done on the nhs.

ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 08:07

This whole children are adolescent ideal is something that society has created not what is reality.

A generation ago people were done with having their families by the age of 30, by the age of 24 my parents had two children, a mortgage and were living abroad, but we have largely mollycoddled children into believing they should be treated as and behave as children for as long as they want. Now people are leaving it later and later to have children and the upshot is that in a generation we will have children who are being born to the middle aged and grandparents will be a thing of the past.

Many people don’t regret completing their families. It’s entirely possible that having had one child he feels his family is complete. The OP would be utterly selfish to destroy her DD’s family over a decision which she hasn’t even made yet - she said that she didn’t even know when she got married whether she might want children. When does the man get to have a say then? After she’s had two? Three? Seven? Where should the cut-off be?

Redken24 · 26/01/2018 08:07

He is super young. Things can change in one month, if your keen to have a bigger family tell him now!

MorrisZapp · 26/01/2018 08:08

None of the other ways to avoid pregnancy are foolproof. People on here get pg all the time using every method apart from abstinence or sterilisation. Then the man gets blamed if he isn't keen.

TickyTakky · 26/01/2018 08:11

How did he react to you pregnancy?

Merrz · 26/01/2018 08:12

Aww OP i really feel for you, must be very difficult.
In one way, got to respect him if he's really made up his mind for doing something about it but 24 is so so young to make a decision like that.
Have you suggested long term contraception ie if you get the implant for 3 years then if he still feels the same after that he could go ahead with it.
I personally would worry that over time you will really resent him for it and and it will cause issues in your marriage. Maybe you should talk to him about that
Also very strange his family to be like that.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2018 08:13

'Really? This is more than body autonomy. It’s about closing off future family plans which dont just affect him. There are other ways to avoid having children. '

No, it's not. By your logic, a woman should not be allowed to have an abortion if her spouse or partner doesn't agree to it, because it affects him, too, and affects 'future family plans'.

His body, his choice. Her body, her choice. ALWAYS.

If the marriage falls apart due to a decision one makes about his/her ability to reproduce, that's their lookout, but they have the right to be in full control of their ability to reproduce.

He is an adult.

I got a divorce because my h never wanted children. He went and had a vasectomy. But it was not my right to tell him he couldn't do as he pleased with his body.

ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 08:14

And let’s leave the permanency out of it for a minute. If he insisted on wearing condoms every time and still said he didn’t want another child would that be ok?

If a condom split and the OP got pregnant and insisted on keeping the pregnancy despite the fact that he had made it clear he didn’t want any more children would and should he be within his rights to walk away from the marriage and refuse to have anything to do with the child? And if not, why not?

If he said “ok, I won’t have a vasectomy but given that sterilisation and abstinence are the only permanent ways to ensure no pregnancies sex is now off the cards,” would that be ok? And if not why not.

Bear in mind here that there has already been one unplanned pregnancy, so he knows that contraception is not a guarantee of no children.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/01/2018 08:17

Stab in the dark here ..........are there any hereditary illnesses on his side of the family?
Maybe that's why his family are so keen to pressure him?

Your DD when she was born and checked I presume was fine but maybe there's a risk too big to take, but they choose for whatever reason not to tell you?

Or maybe they are a weird controllling clan?

Layla8 · 26/01/2018 08:17

His family need to butt out, why do you let them interfere like this ? I would have serious issues with them, and his attitude towards you. This is not a descision to be made without much thought. NHS doctors wouldn’t do it for very good reasons, your both far too young.

Duckstar · 26/01/2018 08:17

All those saying I’m shocked about the veto on vasectomy - I’m not saying they have veto; however, my DH just had procedure on NHS and on the numerous forms he had to complete was a section for partner to sign, if they couldn’t attend, saying they were in agreement. It’s not me “consenting” to procedure, which would be completely different. It’s a way to ensure informed consent - the patient has considered the consequences of procedure. Of course my husband didn’t have to get me to sign and then the doctor would need to discuss with them why they hadn’t and be fully assured that they had considered all the consequences before agreeing to perform procedure.

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