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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

324 replies

DoYouRegret · 23/01/2018 23:54

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

OP posts:

therealposieparker · 26/01/2018 10:21

Gosh. That's pretty awful.

Rikalaily · 26/01/2018 10:33

Been there and done that with my ex who I had 3 kids with. He was 26 when he had it done... We both met other people and I am now pregnant with no.6 (our 3rd together), he had an unsucessful reversal done and now has another ex.

Making a decision that is permanent so young is a very silly decision. Especially when your partner wants more kids and you are taking that choice away from them, he might as well sign divorce papers at the same time because your need for another baby is unlikely to go, mine just got worse when that choice was taken away and it caused MASSIVE resentment.

RockinHippy · 26/01/2018 10:34

Okay Squeek lets put another way.

Anyone who thinks a decision like that is theirs alone, without discussion with their wife/husband, should not have married as there is no partnership there. Only me, me, me.

ThatsJustLikeYourOpinionMan · 26/01/2018 10:46

People are taking like his OP's partner has said he's getting castrated.

Surely everyone has heard of reversals? Success rates seeming to range between 30% in the worst cases to high 90's%. The lower rates being for those who had left reversal for 9-19 years ago (presumably with dated vasectomy methods too).

It's certainly a huge decision to make. But it's not necessarily permenant. My niece was conceived within 4 months of a reversed vasectomy (that had been performed 15 years earlier)

squeekums · 26/01/2018 10:52

Okay Squeek lets put another way.
Anyone who thinks a decision like that is theirs alone, without discussion with their wife/husband, should not have married as there is no partnership there. Only me, me, me

Funny thing is, marriage or partnership dont mean you can deny the other from a medical procedure. Can discuss it till the cows come home, op can cry, beg, plead but at the end of the day its his choice and if he decides to do it. I would actually be resentful of a partner who thought they get to say what happens to my body and what medical care i decide on.
She has 2 choices, leave or stay.
Like i know my partner would love a 2nd child. Me i will never consider it, no discussion entered into as i refuse to be pregnant again. He knows this and accepts this as its my body, i cant stop him if that makes him want to leave though, thats his choice. 8 years on he still here though, hell he even stayed when he thought we would never have kids
I stand firm on my body, my choice. I expect that respected for me, im willing to respect that choice in others

RockinHippy · 26/01/2018 11:19

Ahh, that makes more sense now Squeeks you are talking personally f I'm the POV of the DH.

I still disagree, though as a mother, carrying the MUCH larger burden of pregnancy, birth & more often than not, child rearing, I can agree with you & your body, your choice, far more so than I can the OPs DH. So I really can't agree there is really a comparison.

SoupDragon · 26/01/2018 12:20

So the man isn’t allowed to maintain “his body his choice” because he’s not he one getting pregnant?? Is he some how less entitled to bodily autonomy than a woman?

Dozer · 26/01/2018 12:28

Of course it’s his body and his choice. Given his age and that he is married to someone who would like more DC it would be kinder and more sensible to discuss it first and be extra careful about contraception for a period of time.

OP’s choice is whether to stay or leave. I recommend the latter.

ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 12:35

So if there’s no comparison to abortion, how about the fact that abortion brings with it the risk of infertility?

If a woman has a termination against her husband’s wishes, becomes infertile and is unable to have more children then presumably the termination was selfish on her part?

ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 12:36

Oh and, where is the OP?

VimFuego101 · 26/01/2018 12:52

Your in laws sound awful. Are you really happy with this man and his controlling family?

I was adamant I didn't want another child after DS was born... it seemed too hard to do pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights and toddler tantrums for a second time. I think it's too soon for him to make a decision on this.

RockinHippy · 26/01/2018 12:59

So the man isn’t allowed to maintain “his body his choice” because he’s not he one getting pregnant?? Is he some how less entitled to bodily autonomy than a woman?

I didn't say that Soup. Of course he has a say, but there is no getting away from the fact that physically, the woman carries the bigger burden, therefore I do think that holds more clout in a situation like this one.

Situation being, that OPs DH has entered into a marriage agreeing that he wants 2/3 kids & then not only changing his mind, seemingly under pressure from his family, but cutting out the OP from even having a discussion about it. That's a dickhead move & if mine had so little respect for me as to do that, he would be out on his ear pdq

Dozer · 26/01/2018 13:00

Women having abortions do not intend this to cause infertility, although this is a small risk. (Eg “Asherman’s Syndrome”, which I sadly have from C sections, or infection).

A partner of a woman who has an abortion, or informs them she is infertile for any reason, has the option to end the relationship. Just as OP does here.

OliviaStabler · 26/01/2018 13:11

DD wasn't planned

I suspect that is the issue here. He didn't want a child, yet one came along. Somewhere buried in that event is the cause of all of this.

ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 13:21

A partner of a woman who has an abortion, or informs them she is infertile for any reason, has the option to end the relationship. Just as OP does here. and to deny the child? To walk away from it and refuse to have anything to do with it? No maintenance? No contact, nothing? Come on, you know that’s not true.

I have asked the question several times on the thread, if a man should hold off having a vasectomy but still is adament he wants no more children ever and they have a contraception failure and an unplanned child, should he be allowed to walk away on the basis he made it clear he wanted no more children ever and was using condoms to ensure this?

And as yet, no-one has answered the question. Why do you think that might be? It’s simple. It’s because women don’t believe that men have the option to decide their own fertility if that’s not what the woman wants, and that babies happen all at the woman’s behest and the man never has any say ever because if he has a vasectomy or remains abstinent he is the selfish one.

DearMrDilkington · 26/01/2018 13:29

Op, were you on birth control when you conceived your dd? I'm wondering if his worried about another unplanned baby and doesn't trust birth control to prevent it happening again.

I do think it's his right to get a vasectomy if he wants one, his body his choice, the same as it is with woman. However, I would try to talk him into freezing some sperm in case he ever changes his mind. Although I believe in some cases a vasectomy can be reversed but I'm unsure on the success rate of the procedure.

JessieMcJessie · 26/01/2018 13:39

Does seem like sperm freezing could be a reasonably straightforward way to at least give some acknowledgement to the fact that the OP is not in agreement about having more children.

Though OP seems to have disappeared, hopefully not back to her desk at whatever rag she works for

123namechanged · 26/01/2018 13:41

I am 24, I couldn't imagine making that decision at this age! I'm actually pregnant with my third at the moment.

DH only wanted one child.
I fell pregnant unplanned at 18. Then again unplanned when DS was nearly 8 months old. DS will be 6 very soon, and I'm due in a couple of months.

DH is 27 and after DD (second child) said he would have a vasectomy if he wasn't scared. He was 23 when she was born.

But this baby was planned. I told him that I wanted another baby, fully expecting him to say no. He completely surprised me by saying yes. Even though a few years ago he was adamant he didn't want any more!

It's possible he would change his mind in a couple of years. I don't think it's the kind of decision he should've made by himself without speaking to you first.

Dozer · 26/01/2018 13:42

Eh?

In the scenarios I described there would be no biological DC. The man would be free to decide what to do.

And women can’t have DC with no sperm! So don’t get to decide.

It’s true that a man and woman having sex leading to pregnancy have different situations, because the woman, being the one who is pregnant, gets to decide whether to keep it.

Of course men should not be able to walk away from their financial or emotional responsibilities, whatever the circumstances of the birth . In practice, though, many do. Those men are losers IMO.

Mustang27 · 26/01/2018 13:43

Op posted this Tuesday night and got nothing until this morning she maybe gave up checking for replies. I tagged her in one of my posts that way she will get an email to say she has been mentioned. She might not be back though maybe her she has had procedure already

Mustang27 · 26/01/2018 13:45

*dh

Aridane · 26/01/2018 13:48

DH and I are in our late 40s and we don't feel ready to make this choice yet. Feelings change as you get older. I'd be having a word with the surgeon to tell him how I feel

No, no, just no (speaking with the surgeon)

Aridane · 26/01/2018 13:49

@Mustang - what do you mean by the tagging thing?

ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 13:55

Of course men should not be able to walk away from their financial or emotional responsibilities, whatever the circumstances of the birth . so let’s get this straight. If a woman doesn’t want to have a baby she doesn’t have to have one, her body her choice. Even down to the fact that if she is pregnant she can terminate that pregnancy and no-one but her has a say in that, her body her choice.

But if a man decides he doesn’t want any more children ever and wants a vasectomy (his body, his choice) he is selfish for doing so if that’s not what the woman wants, (his body, her choice.) but if he then uses contraception (on the basis that if he doesn’t want children then he is responsible for contraception) and that fails and the woman falls pregnant and decides that she doesn’t want a termination (her body, her choice) then he is still financially responsible for that baby, after all if he didn’t want another baby he should have had a vasectomy. Except having a vasectomy would be selfish.....

Yeah, that’s logic.

Dozer · 26/01/2018 14:19

Yes, it is

Men or women may act in ways that others may deem selfish. But when a DC is born both parents have responsibilities: if they’re acting ethically and as good parents concerned for their DCs’ wellbeing they should fulfil them.

At present the government seeks to enforce fathers fulfilling their financial responsibilities, but there are flaws with the system and many pay nothing.

Except for child protection, the state cannot make anyone fulfil their full parenting responsibilities to their DC. many, many fathers walk away from those, which is a disgrace.

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