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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

324 replies

DoYouRegret · 23/01/2018 23:54

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it Sad) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/01/2018 08:17

'None of the other ways to avoid pregnancy are foolproof. People on here get pg all the time using every method apart from abstinence or sterilisation. Then the man gets blamed if he isn't keen.'

Exactly! 'Well, he should have had the snip if he didn't want any more children.' Then when he does it's all, 'He shouldn't do that unless you fully agree.'

iBiscuit · 26/01/2018 08:18

It's pretty extreme at such a young age, and his parents sound weird.

Yes, yes his body his choice but I don't think abortion is a reasonable comparison.

FWIW not being allowed to try for a second child (after discussions in which we'd agreed to have at least one more) is one of the things that drove me to leave my ex. It was symptomatic of other issues really; his utter insistence on having things his way regardless of mine and our child's wishes, because he knew best Hmm

I didn't leave him to find another man to father babies with me though; by the time I'd had enough of his ways it was far too late.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 26/01/2018 08:18

Undercover :o

Morris

Men and women both have bodily autonomy. Men and women who are in a marriage also need to be willing to make decisions with their husband or wife where they are permanent and have a life changing impact on the spouse. Compromise (using the coil plus condoms every time would be as reliable as a vasectomy although more inconvenient) and respect are reasonable expectations in marriage. That doesn't mean having a child because your partner wants one, it means not making a unilateral decision which changes your partner's life without a very considerable amount of discussion, if you are in a long term relationship.

Not being willing to compromise (as above, by finding a middle ground) is the right of either partner but is not what men or women sign up to when they marry or commit to a marriage type relationship.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2018 08:19

'however, my DH just had procedure on NHS and on the numerous forms he had to complete was a section for partner to sign, if they couldn’t attend, saying they were in agreement. It’s not me “consenting” to procedure, which would be completely different. It’s a way to ensure informed consent - the patient has considered the consequences of procedure. Of course my husband didn’t have to get me to sign and then the doctor would need to discuss with them why they hadn’t and be fully assured that they had considered all the consequences before agreeing to perform procedure.'

No such form was given to DH. Because he's an adult who can make a decision about his ability to reproduce without me.

FancyNewBeesly · 26/01/2018 08:20

Firstly, vasectomies do fail, so it's not guaranteed.

Secondly, I can't believe some people are saying that if he makes this massive unilateral decision and then she wants to leave, that will be her fault / choice.

I could absolutely have an abortion if my DH didn't want me to - that's my right, but I also know there would be consequence to this which would likely involve divorce.

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 08:23

You are at different points in your life and this means that whatever either of you does now, has far reaching consequences.

  • His decision to have a vasectomy because he is taking control of his own reproduction and is being responsible about not bringing any more children into the world that he doesn't want.
  • Your desire to have more children.

Two things that are hugely incompatible. A vasectomy is his choice to make. Staying in the marriage is your choice to make.

DollyLlama · 26/01/2018 08:23

This must really hurt Flowers he’s taking away YOUR choice and being influenced by his parents. He’s 24 years old! That’s so young to make such a life changing decision and you’re so young to have that choice taken away from you.

Please push for long term contraception, explain that then it’s a choice made together rather than just him. He could change his mind a few years down the line, baby’s and toddlers are tough! My partner only wanted one and I begged and pleaded until we had our second. He wouldn’t be without him and loves him dearly but now says he wants a vasectomy and I want one more. I have to respect his choice but I’m pushing for the implant or IUD for three years and then we will review. You’re a team and it’s only fair it’s a joint decision.

Ultimately though, the person who doesn’t want another trumps the one who does so this is a long term decision you need to make. Would you resent him? Could you be happy with just one child?

I really hope this works out for you both Flowers

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 26/01/2018 08:23

70 choosing not to tell your wife that you are a carrier for a genetic disorders and still not telling her throughout a pregnancy and the first two years of your child's life would be jaw droppingly selfish, cruel and irresponsible! Choosing not to tell your adult child about genetic disorders in the family even when he married and got his wife pregnant equally so.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 26/01/2018 08:24

Obviously it's his body and his choice completely. That doesn't stop OP being hurt and confused.
I think you need to have a frank discussion with him, and decide whether his decision is one you could live with.
I'm 28 and pregnant with my 2nd, my dd is 3 as well. I was like you for the first year, didn't want another but obviously changed my mind. I doubt we will want more children but I think that is something that has to be discussed honestly. He has every right to not want anymore kids but you also have every right to want another. He can decide what to do with his body bit you have every right to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2018 08:25

No one is taking away her choice, Dolly, she's free to leave. I would.

ChaosNeverRains · 26/01/2018 08:27

Yes, yes his body his choice but I don't think abortion is a reasonable comparison. yes, it is. If he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want any more children and has been told that if he dares to make that permanent the marriage will be over then he should have the right to either insist on a termination or deny any responsibility for the child if/when it is born.

And no, condoms are not as effective as a vasectomy by any stretch. Anyone who has used them long term will tell you that they have had at least one instance where a condom has split.

I am now unable to use any contraception because of a medical condition and as such my DP is having to look into having a vasectomy as children are (quite apart from the fact I don’t want any more) not an option. I am older so this is deemed to be perfectly acceptable, however if I were younger it would still need to be a consideration or I would have to remain abstinent as condoms just aren’t fail-proof.

iBiscuit · 26/01/2018 08:28

It's incredibly difficult to leave though. You feel like you're breaking up the family. It took all of my thirties and much of my forties to find the courage to do so.

Although it's all turned out fine for me now, I would hope that the op could find the strength sooner than I did.

Atticusss · 26/01/2018 08:31

That is so very selfish. I would be making it clear to him there is a chance you will leave. You still have around 20 years of fertility left and taking away all potential and discussion is so unfair, on you and your daughter.

Elocutioner · 26/01/2018 08:32

The OP doesn't say ANYTHING about whether the DD was planned or not.

It's completely irrelevant to say that years ago people would be done making their families by 24. We live now, when it is unusual for that to be the case (and it's got fuck all to do with mollycoddling) and the OP herself isn't done.

Of course he's being selfish, and immature. His parents are paying ffs.

RandomDreams · 26/01/2018 08:37

It's his choice, like it or lump it.

But on Mumsnet, he's damned whatever he does.

Elocutioner · 26/01/2018 08:38

Having a vasectomy without telling his partner . of course he's going to be damned. It's about making selfish decision, not about whether he's XX or XY chromosome.

DistractedByIrrelevance · 26/01/2018 08:39

“DD wasn't planned”

AuntLydia · 26/01/2018 08:42

Whilst I agree with it being his body and choice, if I were op I'd be very concerned that he was rushing into something that may not be right for him. He has always said he wants up to 4 kids and he's very young still. Op herself has changed her mind from no kids to wanting them so she understands how your mind can change over time. There's also no mention in the op of trying to pressure her husband to have more kids right now so it's not as if he may feel if he doesn't take control of the situation she's going to 'trick' him or nag him. It also sounds as if there's some weird, inappropriate family pressure going on. All in all, it's sounding far more complicated than a man just exercising his right to contraceptive control. Would he consider speaking to a 3rd, uninvolved party? Like a counsellor? On the understanding you'll respect his final decision if it stays the same after.

RandomDreams · 26/01/2018 08:45

Having a vasectomy without telling his partner

When posters on Mumsnet have abortions without telling their partners, nobody raises an eyebrow.

Dozer · 26/01/2018 08:46

In your situation and at your age I would consider ending the relationship if he went through with it.

Dozer · 26/01/2018 08:47

An abortion is different from sterilisation.

Elocutioner · 26/01/2018 08:48

That's simplaynot true Random. Either one shows a lack of respect for the relationship.

AuntLydia · 26/01/2018 08:50

Really random? I've been here donkeys years and never ever seen that attitude espoused.

notapizzaeater · 26/01/2018 08:50

Him actually having the op wouldn't bother me, the way he's gone about it would. Why does his family have more sway than you, he needs to discuss it with you hh shouldn't just disregard your feelings.

JessieMcJessie · 26/01/2018 08:51

You mention his grandparents are paying, and that his parents are clearly influencing his decision. There is something odd going on here- two generations of a family actively pushing a married 24 year old to have a vasectomy?

How well do you get on with the grandparents? What do they think about being great-grandparents to your DD? Is it possible that they don’t know you are not on board with this? Wondering if a quiet word to them might stop them from coughing up the money and take away the immediate threat for long enough for you and your DH to work this through.

It’s also concerning that he said that the moment he held your DD he “knew he was done”. That’s just nonsense, how on earth could he know in those seconds how he would take to fatherhood? He sounds like a bit of a twit to be honest (sorry).

Your inlaws sound vile. At your young age I’d say that you might be better off ditching the lot of them and finding someone new to have future babies with.

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