Very bad first session at nursery

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Newnamesameoldlurker · 05/08/2024 11:24

Oh dear- could you leave it until closer to you going back to work? She might be more ready then, particularly as she was premature. Does she have a blanket/comforter that you could send in with her? That helped with mine. You will get through this- it feels horrendous I know!

crumblingschools · 05/08/2024 11:24

When are you going back to work?

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 05/08/2024 11:28

How long till you go back to work? 9m is quite young and it may be easier if she's a few months older if that's possible? I get wanting her fully settled before you go back but perhaps it would be less stressful for all of you if you leave it a bit later?

Are you able to go into the room with her when you drop her off? DD started at 11m (2 weeks settling) and I found it was easiest if I went in with her, got her interested in an activity / toy / story time and then just quietly left without her noticing.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 05/08/2024 11:29

No advice, only sympathy.

My DC was only ever cared for by me or DH because we didn’t have any relatives nearby. (Except for one evening with a very good friend who is sadly no longer able to help due to having her own child).

At 18 months, I hired a daytime babysitter so I could get some stuff done and DC just refused to let me out of sight. The babysitter was lovely but DC wanted me and only me. The babysitter refused to come back (albeit the most lovely and polite refusal).

PhoebeMcPeePee · 05/08/2024 11:29

Unfortunately 9 months is prime age for deportation anxiety anyway as close bonds have been formed but if you LO has literally never been without you or your wife it's understandable she struggled.

I'd suggest little and often but not too spread out - half an hour 2 or 3 times a week then up to an hour, then 2 hours etc if your nursery will accommodate this. If you have any friends you could leave her with even just for short round the block drop offs I would start ASAP - your LO needs to learn you are coming back and she is safe with these strangers and that will take time.

I was a childminder for many years and some children did just take a while to settle and most parents did t have the luxury of lengthy settling in time so it was often a case of comforting crying baby for hours (I'd juse a sling) sometimes for days/weeks on end but all got there in the end and every one of my criers, formed lovely attachment with me and my other charges and many stayed for years well into school age and I still see some now 15+ years later

Peonies12 · 05/08/2024 11:30

Sorry but it’s hardly surprising given what said - I don’t mean any judgment but you need to take small steps in advance of nursery like leaving baby with your partner or other family, sleeping in her own bed etc. no wonder she found nursery tough.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 05/08/2024 11:31

Separation not deportation

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 05/08/2024 11:34

Peonies12 · 05/08/2024 11:30

Sorry but it’s hardly surprising given what said - I don’t mean any judgment but you need to take small steps in advance of nursery like leaving baby with your partner or other family, sleeping in her own bed etc. no wonder she found nursery tough.

I completely disagree. My first daughter was a very attached EBF baby who had never left my side because of lockdown, and yet she started nursery at 11 months with no issues at all. Please don’t make the OP feel guilty as it is not her fault.

OP I’m so sorry to hear this, it must be so difficult. I would work with the nursery to see what they suggest or perhaps consider whether a childminder environment might suit her better. Hopefully you have time on your side. Good luck.

Musiclover234 · 05/08/2024 11:38

Leaving it longer just pushes the issue further down the road. I was a nursery nurse many years ago and even children 3+ struggled to settle when they had not really been left with many people. She has very close bonds with just two people in the world so of course she’s going to find this difficult.

If she has to go to nursery/childcare you need to persevere, can you do visits with her for the start? Would a childminder be more suited to her needs? Little and often visits? When i was nursery nursing children as young as 12 weeks started nursery as mat leave was different. Some still went through separation anxiety months down the line despite being settled. It’s common at her age.

blackcherryconserve · 05/08/2024 11:43

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 05/08/2024 11:34

I completely disagree. My first daughter was a very attached EBF baby who had never left my side because of lockdown, and yet she started nursery at 11 months with no issues at all. Please don’t make the OP feel guilty as it is not her fault.

OP I’m so sorry to hear this, it must be so difficult. I would work with the nursery to see what they suggest or perhaps consider whether a childminder environment might suit her better. Hopefully you have time on your side. Good luck.

Show quote history

There's a huge difference between 9 months and 11 months!

RafaistheKingofClay · 05/08/2024 11:44

PhoebeMcPeePee · 05/08/2024 11:31

Separation not deportation

That did make me laugh, but I was going to say the same thing about 9months being one of the peak ages for separation anxiety. If you aren’t going back to work yet, then I’d leave it a month or 2,if you can.

But also try and get her used to being in the company of someone else for a minute or 2 while you leave the room and she’s engaged. She will eventually learn that she’s fine and you are coming back.

Willmafrockfit · 05/08/2024 11:45

there must be a transition plan in place?
did they suggest that?

78Summer · 05/08/2024 11:47

Sorry you are going through this. With being a premature baby and going through sepsis she may need more time at home and it is too early for her. Can you sit in the room with her for a day to get used to the surroundings and people before you leave her.

LondonPapa · 05/08/2024 11:58

Becsmatestr · 05/08/2024 11:21

My little girl, 9 months, EBF and only ever been with us (we can't trust that family will respect our parenting style - gentle, and very much push boundaries, even in front of us). She only settles for contact naps with me, not even my wife (she has two mummies). She cosleeps with us both. She was premature and spent time in NICU and SCBU. She then had sepsis. We've been very protective. I've opted to start her settling in at nursery a lot earlier than me going back to work. Today was horrid. We've never seen her so beside herself. Panting and shaking while crying, snot all over her face.. the nursery rang us, they'd tried everything. The nursery nurse was still holding her when we got back to pick her up. How on earth do we make this transition work? Please, please help. Or, if anyone wants to give me the winning lottery numbers so we can stay home and look after our princess, I'd also accept that 😅
From a very, very sad mama x

9-months and trying for settling? I'd nope out of that one. Leave it a while and focus on stay and play groups for a while, get her to build up confidence in group settings and try again when she is 1.

What isn't clear is whether you stayed? The first sessions you usually stay for a while, did you do this?

Saytheyhear · 05/08/2024 11:59

Your baby sounds like they are loved and supported very well in the lifestyle set up you have chosen.

i would look to change your working hours/job to work round your child.

If they manage best with you bed sharing and breastfeeding then perhaps you could work mornings and your partner work evenings.

Original poster

Becsmatestr · 05/08/2024 12:03

LondonPapa · 05/08/2024 11:58

9-months and trying for settling? I'd nope out of that one. Leave it a while and focus on stay and play groups for a while, get her to build up confidence in group settings and try again when she is 1.

What isn't clear is whether you stayed? The first sessions you usually stay for a while, did you do this?

Show quote history

I unfortunately can't nope out of it. I work in the NHS, I've been refused the change of hours to accommodate more work life balance around my child. I'd also need to pay back my maternity pay if I just walked away. The cost of living crisis means neither of us can afford not to work.

Noping out would be great, and if it was an option, I wouldn't be trying to settle her in nursery at all.

She's doing x1 hour daily this week. Then 2hrs daily and so on. I go back to work 23rd September.

OP posts:

Original poster

Becsmatestr · 05/08/2024 12:05

Saytheyhear · 05/08/2024 11:59

Your baby sounds like they are loved and supported very well in the lifestyle set up you have chosen.

i would look to change your working hours/job to work round your child.

If they manage best with you bed sharing and breastfeeding then perhaps you could work mornings and your partner work evenings.

I've been refused the change of hours, and I have to go back to work for a minimum of 3 months or I have to pay my maternity leave (or some amount of it, at least) back.

Longterm, I don't envisage I'll be staying in this job much longer. I'd literally take any job, if it means our daughter feels safe and secure. In the meantime, though, nursery has to happen - even if it is for 3 months.

It's heartbreak. She is honestly our heartbeat. Our absolute world.

OP posts:

Willmafrockfit · 05/08/2024 12:14

when my dd went to a child minder for half an hour for a trial she said it was just not feasible for that amount of time, just upsetting her
i imagine the nursery are experienced enough op.
i am sure things will get better

CocoPlum · 05/08/2024 12:17

This is peak separation anxiety time. It was hideous when my DS started at a similar age. This will very likely get better. It sounds like you are doing a long, slow transition which is probably going to work well. Big, unmumsnetty hug as I know how awful it is. X

Peonies12 · 05/08/2024 12:18

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 05/08/2024 11:34

I completely disagree. My first daughter was a very attached EBF baby who had never left my side because of lockdown, and yet she started nursery at 11 months with no issues at all. Please don’t make the OP feel guilty as it is not her fault.

OP I’m so sorry to hear this, it must be so difficult. I would work with the nursery to see what they suggest or perhaps consider whether a childminder environment might suit her better. Hopefully you have time on your side. Good luck.

Show quote history

I’m not making OP feel guilty. I’m just saying nursery is a massive step if baby has not been away from mum at all, and need to take small steps.

otravezempezamos · 05/08/2024 12:23

All I can say is buckle in because this is going to be hard. Give how you have parented her thus far she was hardly going to skip merrily in and say see you at 5!

maaama · 05/08/2024 12:25

Can you discuss a slower settling in process op?
I worked in nurseries for a while and if the child was struggling then we always started slower with the parent staying for the first few times and then gradually leaving for a while so the child was able to build a connection with the staff knowing that mum or dad weren't far away. You have plenty of time to be able to do that and it would be far gentler considering she hasn't been left with anyone else before.

Tipsyscripsy · 05/08/2024 12:28

My son - also EBF, c-sleeping, contact napping, very attached to his two mummies - went to nursery at 11 months. I was extremely nervous about him settling for someone else and being away from me. Lo and behold the first session when I left him was awful. He screamed and cried the whole time. I was absolutely beside myself thinking how will he ever settle how can I send him etc. but we decided to do a few more shorter settling in sessions when his key worker would be there and slowly but surely, he adjusted. When I pick him up now after a full day, he is happily playing - no tears in sight! He also naps in the cot for 2+ hours and eats really well there. He still gravitates to his key worker as she is his source of comfort, but he is building good relationships with the other staff too!

all this to say - just because the first session was awful, doesn’t mean it always will be!

she really will adjust - it might just take a bit of time and perseverance.

brightyellowflower · 05/08/2024 12:30

So say you earn £2k a month, and nursery costs £1k a month, you're coming home with £1k. Can you find ways of cutthing this so you don't have the costs of £1k a month and you can stay at home?

I actudally didn't have a choice - work paid £1k a month and nursery was £1k a month. Absolute no brainer to stay at home.

I do find it strange thought that people don't cost all of this out before they choose to have a baby.

Kebarbra · 05/08/2024 12:30

Did the nursery suggest much? Your little one won't be the first or the last, but it is heartbreaking when they're like this isn't it. DS was the same, but after a few settling sessions he was okay and then went on to love it thankfully, it was hard though I remember struggling but like you, we needed the money! They do start to realise ah mum comes back phew, but work with the nursery to see what they can recommend.