Very bad first session at nursery

[Becsmatestr]

My little girl, 9 months, EBF and only ever been with us (we can't trust that family will respect our parenting style - gentle, and very much push boundaries, even in front of us). She only settles for contact naps with me, not even my wife (she has two mummies). She cosleeps with us both. She was premature and spent time in NICU and SCBU. She then had sepsis. We've been very protective. I've opted to start her settling in at nursery a lot earlier than me going back to work. Today was horrid. We've never seen her so beside herself. Panting and shaking while crying, snot all over her face.. the nursery rang us, they'd tried everything. The nursery nurse was still holding her when we got back to pick her up. How on earth do we make this transition work? Please, please help. Or, if anyone wants to give me the winning lottery numbers so we can stay home and look after our princess, I'd also accept that 😅
From a very, very sad mama x

Hey, I'll try and remember to come back and send you an update - and any tips that we find work best for our little lady. Wishing you all the luck in the world 🌎 ❤️

I would really second a childminder. My DC2 started at a nursery at 12 months and he was miserable. The thing was he wasn’t the classic “Velcro” baby, he was bottle fed, had been looked after by his grandparents for a couple of hours a week, very social but just found the environment far too overwhelming. We persevered for another 5 months and eventually looked into a childminder.
Hes been so so happy since he started at the childminder. Never cries at drop off anymore and is in a good, rested mood at pickup. As with all childcare, you need to take a bit of time to find the right childminder just like you need to find the right nursery. But my thinking has always been, a baby/child under 2 is not often going to know the difference between a childminder and a family friend / auntie as it’s in a home environment with one primary carer. However I think they instinctively know the difference between a home environment and a nursery.

ps- just to add a parents instinct is very strong. I knew the difference between how DC2 was reacting at nursery to the little tears they had when they started at the childminder (which stopped after a few weeks). You know your child better than anyone so don’t be swayed to think you should subject them to something that you instinctively feel isn’t right for them.
The fact is, most parents these days need to work so therefore most parents need childcare. You don’t need to feel any guilt for that. But do trust your instincts and look into alternative childcare options that would be best for your little one. It may not be financially viable but would a nanny be an option? Maybe even just for the first 6 months to get them used to someone else looking after them in their own environment?

Ummm, she’s a baby. Babies cling to their mothers for protection. It’s very normal.

Daycares Don’t Care

Hope it goes better today. I assume nursery know about her start in life?

Some people are saying a childminder might be better, but at nursery they can change keyworkers if your baby settles better for another person.

My super clingy boy ended up thriving in nursery and absolutely adored his KW. You are in the earliest of early days, at peak separation anxiety time, and with a baby who has needed to be away from people for the first 6 months! Treat yourselves gently x

Our nursery did care about DT’s - sorry that you didn’t have such a good experience.

@Becsmatestr I've only skimmed the thread, but wanted to come on and say that we had terrible trouble settling my DS at nursery. He was born at the tail end of Covid so wasn't used to being looked after by other people either. The nursery wanted to do: session 1 sit in nursery with a parent for an hour, session 2 drop off for an hour, session 3 drop off for two hours, then just do his normal sessions. In the end it took weeks to build up to two-hour sessions (admittedly these were only a couple of times a week, which in hindsight didn't help). As there were still Covid restrictions I ended up spending a lot of time lurking nearby and weeing in bushes (no cafes or public toilets open). However, he DID settle in the end, though it took a couple of months, and now he's three and loves it there.

He was also exclusively breastfed (by his other mum, not me), and would take milk in a bottle from me, but early on decided he didn't want it at nursery. I think he was a similar age to your DD or maybe a little older. He just ate more food at nursery and dropped down to morning and evening feeds at home, so we kept sending in the milk for a month or so and then stopped bothering. He was also a LOT more cooperative about going down for naps at nursery than he was at home - we'd have to put him in a buggy and take him for a walk, but they used nursery magic to get him sleeping on a mat on the floor.

Thank you for messaging - we had our first 'care plan' session for 1hr, where my wife, I and DD sat with the nursery nurses and our daughter crawled over to play with the other babies and all the new toys! She was fine, kept checking where we were etc. The first proper settling in session was an hour yesterday, and she did super - went to the nursery nurse, we waved and she seemed fine. It was 10/15mins into the session where she realised we had left - then screamed the place down, naturally.

I just think, as you say, we need to do this slower than what the nursery would generally implement for this transition. Some babies are more sensitive to change. Developmentally they're in such a complex place, too.

It's been really kind of people, like yourself, to share experiences - so, thank you.

Lift the flap books and peekaboo - especially if you leave the room and stick your head back in, are good for object permanence and separation anxiety apparently.

Don't worry about causing this, I had a "clingy" EBF etc baby too and they were fine at nursery, it's luck of the draw.

Good luck today

We had a terrible time settling dd at nursery. This won't be what you want to hear but even at 5 she still hated it and every single day was a battle to get her in the door. She started nursery at 2.

Hopefully your lo settles soon.

Huh? I totally loathe daycares and would not dream of ever putting my child into one. My child my responsibility.

So you think 🤷‍♀️

@HongKongDreaming how rude! What do you propose couples do who are struggling financially? Who must return to work to support their children? My child, my responsibility. That is why I researched nurseries, chose one that would suit my daughter and her needs, one that had a good reputation. That's why I chose to return to work to ensure all her needs are provided for. She is very happy in her nursery. You can clearly see from OPs posts she is distressed and feeling guilty at the thoughts of leaving her baby, but has no other choice due to the ever increasing costs of daily essentials! Trying to make her feel even more guilty is hardly helpful!!

OP for what it's worth, my child genuinely loves her nursery and her key worker. It's so hard in the beginning, the tears, the guilt... but you will get there! Both of you will. Best of Luck.

I’m sorry, my approach is tough love. Especially in this situation. For both you and her, to a degree.

My baby was in intensive care for a long time from three weeks old. I’ve been there. Even when discharged I was told she was at vast risk of SIDs due to the nature of her admission. It’s easy to get into the overprotective mode but it creates anxiety in you, in the baby, and makes the future difficult. Very, very difficult.

But the fact is you have to go to work now and she has to go to nursery. Flapping about outside the door and returning every time she cries because you want her to know you’ll always return to her will just unsettle her further now. If you like and trust the setting, you need to let them get on with it. It’s brutal. You’ll cry. But she’ll adapt. She adapted to arriving ahead of schedule. She has adapted to everything so far. And she’ll adapt to this.

And we all love our children, and lots of us have to or choose to send them to nursery, so you have nothing to prove there. We understand you love her.

Thank you for sharing your experience, but I won't be taking the brutal approach.

My daughter is very good at socialising, developmentally she's at the point where she's realising we can disappear and she doesn't like that. However, she's also in a good position to form a bond with a practitioner. In no uncertain terms will I be leaving her to get on with it, letting her cry it out and believing mummies won't come back until she's exhausted and a little soul destroyed from crying - and that being 'normal'. Not a chance.

I'm opting to work with the nursery, and follow the lead of my daughter - and they're willing and happy to accomodate that. I stayed with her until she wanted a feed today, she fed and my wife is in with her. So she can get used to the environment, and new faces (the practitioners). There's been no tears. I aim to continue doing this, and build up increments of time where neither of us are in there. So, when she's looking for our faces, she might see practitioner A and know she's safe. That's my aim. Not brutal, but gentle, and following her lead entirely.

Yesterday was utterly heartbreaking, to see my daughter beside herself. There'd be more wrong with me if it didn't send me in an internal flap. We have quite a few weeks to play with, so we'll follow her lead. She'll guide us very well. Positive experiences will build her up to feeling secure in her new nursery - Not brutally abandoning her to get on with it, what tools does she have to navigate it? None, we're in a period of forging her very early life-tools!!

DT’s loved their nursery - went from six months to starting school. We are still in touch with two of the staff who became our babysitters.
DT’s are DH and my responsibility so we chose the best nursery for them. Nothing to loathe about it.

i know DT’s benefited from their nursery - they are now in their early 20’s so easy to see the results.

Nope, they don't.
They've done things how they should be done.

Since there is a little time before you have to leave her to work - so therefore I'm guessing you have a little flexibility? I'd take her in with you and stay, but ignore her, pretend to be busy and allow the staff to encourage interaction. As she starts enjoying the interaction with the staff maybe pop out for a few minutes at a time until she doesn't seem too bothered if you are there or not.

Most separation anxiety is due to the child not having trust in the person they have been left with. Children generally settle with nursery staff once they become familiar with them and the environment and realise they will be cared for even though the parent isn't there. They will always prefer a parent but will tolerate others once they know they are safe with them.

They turned out well despite the daycare - not because of.

Their nursery contributed to how well they did. DH and I had the reassurance that they were being well cared for by highly qualified staff and importantly were happy whilst DH and I were working

We had no choice either, and My LO started just before 1 and first half hour session was actually great. Then it got harder and harder, over all the first 3 weeks were the most difficult 😥
m the practitioners kept telling me don’t worry this is normal etc. and would send me regular updates. I think it took 6 weeks in total to totally settle and for LO run in excitement without even saying bye! Over a year on and this is still the case (but still super happy to see me at pick up time!)
honestly it’s been so great, everything - the practitioners , the experiences, the nurturing, the socialising & development, etc that now I’m glad we had no choice. We go new places with such ease these days. Good luck OP. I now look back on the settling period and it seemed longer at the time but now I realise wasn’t so bad. X

Stop shaming mothers who need to work to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Great that you were able to stay home and never use childcare, but this isn't actually possible for everyone. What do you think your post achieves?