Very bad first session at nursery

[Becsmatestr]

My little girl, 9 months, EBF and only ever been with us (we can't trust that family will respect our parenting style - gentle, and very much push boundaries, even in front of us). She only settles for contact naps with me, not even my wife (she has two mummies). She cosleeps with us both. She was premature and spent time in NICU and SCBU. She then had sepsis. We've been very protective. I've opted to start her settling in at nursery a lot earlier than me going back to work. Today was horrid. We've never seen her so beside herself. Panting and shaking while crying, snot all over her face.. the nursery rang us, they'd tried everything. The nursery nurse was still holding her when we got back to pick her up. How on earth do we make this transition work? Please, please help. Or, if anyone wants to give me the winning lottery numbers so we can stay home and look after our princess, I'd also accept that 😅
From a very, very sad mama x

Starting nursery can be so tough but it does get better. It took my baby a while to settle but it really improved. It's so hard at the time though!
But there are a few things to hold on to -

1. It gets better
2. She's upset as she has a close loving relationship with you and is securely attached
3. There's been great studies into the impact of nursery and it's actually good for children - better social relationships and cognitive development.

You and your wife have been through such a tough time - that sounds so stressful. You're doing great - and this will get better. You will get to a place where she's happy at nursery.

Hi lovely just want to say you aren't failing her, it goes to show how well she's attached to you, she doesn't want to leave because she feels safe and secure with you.
Some children do adjust to transitions a lot easier than others, it's just different personalities.. You won't be the first or last.
She should calm down hopefully the more time she spends in the setting when she realises you will be coming back for her.
Unfortunately it can happen again when they start school.. Just got through that 3 months of hell but now my ds is happy there. 😅

In the real world most of us have to send our children to some form of childcare so ignore all the posters who seem to be completely ignorant of their level of privilege that allows them to stay home/drop hours at work.

My little one was exactly the same, it was horrendous, genuinely traumatic so I know how you feel. With hindsight I had PNA and I think she sensed my anxiety, she did eventually settle and learn to love nursery. It did not affect our bond at all, so don't worry about this, you are not failing her.

Cut the settling sessions to 30 minutes and build up from there, do not stay in the nursery, sit outside the building because hearing her cry will break you. She needs to build a bond with her key worker, so you can't step in too much. Make drop off quick and be upbeat/confident.

I disagree when those suggesting to delay nursery for a few months. The closer they get to 1 the harder it gets in my experience, so unless you can return to work much later than 1 I would definitely work on it now.
My second wasn't that bad but she refused her milk etc when she started. It actually got better when she started doing full days. I wish I had done 1 full day instead of 2 half, it would have worked better for her.

It could be that nursery isn't the right setting though, I found based on our NCT group experience that some babies settled better with childminders and smaller groups. I think nursery can be overwhelming for some.

But also, it's only the first session. Give it a bit of time!

Honestly it's so hard leaving them at this age. I went back to work when mine were about 10 months old. Second was harder as was a covid baby and had hardly been with anyone else but me and dh. However they will become used to it and will settle in to their routine at nursery.

There may be tears for a few weeks at drop offs but there's nothing you can do. I used to try to drop and run. The hanging around doesn't help you or baby just makes u both more upset. The nursery told me that she wld stop crying seconds after I left.

So sorry you are going through this, my son was the same and took a while to adjust but now loves nursery. It’s heartbreaking to go through though.

Could you ask nursery if you can spend half a day there with them? For our settling in sessions, we spent an hour there with him, then we did two hours the next day with him, then half a day with him before we then left him there for an hour, then two hours then half a day then a full day.

It’s a longer process but I think the gentlest way to do the settling in session as it builds trust with you there.

I had a massive clinger, I started off with me being there the full hour then then moved to I stated hour and left for half an hour etc. can the nursery give any direction on how to settle in best?

To add, after a few sessions like this he settled brilliantly and loved nursery

Thank you for your message - this gives me hope.
We're going again tomorrow for an hour (in fact, we're going every day for the next two weeks), and I'm hoping they'll work with me to transition her similarly to how you mentioned worked for your little boy.

Thsnk you, so much x

Hi, we're back in every day for the next two weeks. I think I'm going to suggest really slowing down increasing the time she spends there, and instead focus on increasing her security there - by me staying 15/30mins, then trying to see if she'll manage 15/30mins on her own - I'll only be on the curb outside 🤣.

Thank you for your message, it's also given me hope.

So sorry it was tough for you - thanks for sharing with me.

The thing is, she went happily with the nursery nurse, we waved bye and left right away. Purposely to try minimise her upset.. it worked until the distraction of other babies and new toys worn off!.. it'll fall into place, it just threw me into panic ridden guilt mode.

I really feel your pain! I nearly had a nervous breakdown when my son started at 13 months. In hindsight I wished I'd pushed for a slower transition, so I could spend more time with him in the room and with his key worker. Our nursery are quite old school and so we did 15 minutes all together and then I had to leave. It was awful and slightly traumatizing (for me at least). If possible, ask to spend some sessions with her in the room so she feels safe and secure to explore whilst you are there. Don't feel bad for asking this, and if they push back, just stay strong and insist if you can face it. I'd also suggest following a woman called Babiesandbrains on instagram. She has a lot of resources for helping kids to transition to childcare. I wish you the best of luck!

They do cost it.

What first time parents can't possibly know is that maybe they will get a baby who takes longer to transition happily to a childcare setting or that their own parenting instincts will manifest strongly against separation or both.

We're in a culture that has made FT childcare from babyhood the norm. But none of us know what kind of child we will get. It puts a phenomenal pressure on to know you have to settle child in FT childcare by X date.

Have some compassion.

I'm really sorry OP this sounds so rough and of course, heartbreaking for you.

I was very fortunate in that I didn't go back to work until mine was 3. However I expect he would have been similar, as he found it very hard to switch off and sleep with any kind of stimulus.

I guess you can only be guided by the nursery, they should be used to this kind of thing surely? Can you go in for an hour or two and wait outside the door? Go in after 5 mins, then stretch it to 10 mins, 20 mins etc? Not sure if this feasible so sorry if it's a stupid suggestion.

If I happen to win the lottery I will pay for you not to have to go back to work!

It takes while but it’s amazing that once they get it, they seem to love it.

I think I read she’s doing 3 days? One thing we found, although costly, was that upping my son from 3 to 5 days helped with the settling in. We found the first few months when he did 3 days, he was hysterical come his first day back the following week as he had 4 days off with us. Once he went to 5, he seemed to accept nursery a lot more but that could also be a coincidence.

Hope she settles soon.

That's something to definitely consider. I'd happily put in overtime if that suits her better. I'm hoping that this will open the door to, in time, building her resilience and ability to adapt to change - it's a huge ask for a 9 month old. I was always aware she'd find it difficult, hence why I started the settling earlier. The nursery were only going to do three weeks - I'm glad I didn't just go by that!

She's amazing, and I know in time and adjusting how this transition goes, we'll manage.. we just have to be guided by her, I think.

I work in a preschool so age 2 and up so much older, little and often just keep trying. It can take some children at least a term to fully settle and not be upset leaving parents. Your little ones at that prime separation anxiety stage (9months) and not being left but they will get used to it just keep on a bit longer and as hard as it may be try and be positive and not feel uptight dropping them off as babies pick up on this. It will be hard for a while but if you trust the nursery (and if they have rang you when she's unsettled that's a good thing instead of keeping her there upset) I would say that's a positive as they are respecting your parenting style!

Well, she’s not been prepared for this by you both, because you’ve never let anyone else do anything. As you said, you’ve been ‘very, very protective’. So now you’ve put her in nursery, she hasn’t a fucking scooby what’s going on. You’ll just have to continue with it until she feels ok there.

You mention that your families are not involved - how is she with your friends and their families?

How lovely of you.
For 6 + months she needed to basically isolate because her immune system was so poor. So, why don't you take your inconsiderate comment and shove it elsewhere?
I kept my baby alive, I've nurtured my baby, I've held my baby three times expecting it to be goodbye. So, yes, perhaps protectiveness has made her ill-prepared for this transition, but I made the decision to extend the transition time for that reason.
She's here and loved and secure beyond measure. Separation anxiety is normal, both developmentally and when they've bonded with their caregivers. I don't regret any of the love and care I've provided her.
She may not have a 'fucking scooby' right now, but she WILL be okay. All I wanted was tips, anything to help me to help her. Shame on you!

I agree with a PP thinking about it, might be worth checking out childminders? Not for everyone, but the home from home environment really suits some.

i started with a child minder but changed to a nursery, a lot of trust placed in one person compared to a group of people. personal choice

Ignore these women trying to goad you. Anyone who reads a mother distressed about leaving her baby for the first time and decides to give her a kick is a nasty piece of work and says a lot about them.

similarly those laying on the guilt about needing to work and how it’s better for baby to have their mums…. Firstly, if all the nhs workers stayed home with their babies who would look after yours when they were sick eh!?!?

also, nursery and work teaches social skills. Something that clearly appears to have been forgotten whilst staying at home…

Thinking about this more today and your journey.

We go to whatever level is required to settle a child at playgroup. Regardless.

Thinking about your situation. Who is her key worker. What are the rules on home babysitting if you like?

I wonder whether booking for some babysitting at home or oaky type sessions might help?

I appreciate that might not be possible but thinking of how to reassure her with other key people.

I've had mums and children here for a cuppa. Play dates, baby sitting, just get them to know me and then continue with settles at same time.

I don’t have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say that we’ll be in the same boat in September when our baby starts nursery. Our son is 9 months old (two mums as well) and is EBF and cosleeps. He’s never been left as he doesn’t take a bottle. Please keep us updated with how things go. I really hope it gets a bit easier over time.