Very bad first session at nursery

[Becsmatestr]

My little girl, 9 months, EBF and only ever been with us (we can't trust that family will respect our parenting style - gentle, and very much push boundaries, even in front of us). She only settles for contact naps with me, not even my wife (she has two mummies). She cosleeps with us both. She was premature and spent time in NICU and SCBU. She then had sepsis. We've been very protective. I've opted to start her settling in at nursery a lot earlier than me going back to work. Today was horrid. We've never seen her so beside herself. Panting and shaking while crying, snot all over her face.. the nursery rang us, they'd tried everything. The nursery nurse was still holding her when we got back to pick her up. How on earth do we make this transition work? Please, please help. Or, if anyone wants to give me the winning lottery numbers so we can stay home and look after our princess, I'd also accept that 😅
From a very, very sad mama x

I honestly wouldn’t worry about the naps - as others have said this is where most children adapt surprisingly well and often their naps at a setting bare no resemblance to home. I had children who would sleep on a mat in my living room whilst I tidied, cooked and busied about for 2 hours barely a few feet away but at home needed blackout blinds and silence or would only nap on mum.

Oh, you have a crystal ball that could forecast every and all costs in current climate rising? I unfortunately don't have such a crystal ball, and also had to pay for fertility. The money we earn is good money, but things have changed majorly in the last year - our food shop and mortgage costs alone show that.

We also didn't plan for a super premature baby, or for her to become gravely ill with sepsis, nor did we know that she was going to be super attached and velcro. A lot of things can't be planned for, just be nice - not everyone has your crystal ball. Don't drop it on your toes.

Disagree with this - v experience childcare settings will often call if a child is very upset as they don’t want to traumatise them / develop a negative association. Your place probably just didn’t tell you if your child was distressed which is the concerning thing. I’d say to OP it’s a very good sign that you were called.

12 months is worse than 9 months for settling so OP waiting 3 months won't help at all.

I'd also try a childminder rather than a nursery, it may be too much of a shock to go to that kind of environment.

Don't sneak out on her - it will just make her panic when she's realised you've disappeared. Start developing a routine of saying goodbye and coming back, and always say goodbye so she knows you are leaving.

Contact napping to sleeping alone in a cot in a strange place is going to be a huge shock so personally I would work on a bit more independent sleep at home and lots of comforters she can take to nursery to ease the transition.

there is always hope op
ignore any negative posts, there arent that many

you need to be matter of fact, not emotional when you leave, be happy when you go

My nursery did tell me when my daughter had been upset during the day - when we collected her at the end of the day.
My point was more that when you're working you can't go back every day and collect your child because they're crying. Much as I might have wanted to.

Same here - Ihad a clingy, covid-era EBF baby in nursery at 7months. He had a terrible first session, sobbed the entire 2 hours he was there.

Stupidly, one of the reasons was because it was directly over naptime!
I just kept taking him back for 2h sessions and built it up and he was fine.

My second born was also a clingy EBF baby, and he was on full days after a week.

Try again OP, they might surprise you.

I actually disagree with waiting until they’re older - everyone I know has had more issues with older babies rather than younger ones

Such a difficult time for you, but you will both come through it. Be prepared, though, for the crying to come earlier next visit as your little one will know that you are going to leave. Try not to panic too much, as the anticipation shows you that she will also learn that you always come back! It is really tough for some of our little ones. My eldest, on his first day at special school had to be peeled off me by his speech therapist, with whom he already had a good relationship. Didn’t want to be left though… It didn’t take long for him to learn the routine though and be happy with it. He was 3 at the time, but obviously not typically developing.

This is during settling in though. The whole point is to ease the baby in with minimal upset.

It will be hard but they will settle. You can do this OP. I worried endlessly about leaving my first, she'd also had a tricky start in life. And of course it was eventually fine.
I practically slipped down the road dropping off my second; it's amazing what a bit of hindsight offers.
You're doing an amazing job. Your baby is attached and healthy and loves you. You're caring for her beautifully. You will always come back. She will learn that you're always there for you, even when you can't be there at that exact moment; it's a useful lesson for life.

work paid £1k a month and nursery was £1k a month. Absolute no brainer to stay at home.

Work pays 1k plus pension and Ni contributions plus paid leave. It s not net income only to be considered.

It s day one op. Keep going. Day two three five will get easier

Sounds like you just need to give it time.

Don’t try and sneak out while she’s not looking.

A cheery “Bye, I’ll pick you up again later” and off you go. She needs to learn that yes, you’re leaving her, but you’ll always come back. And she may cry the first few times but she’ll learn and it’ll improve.

I had two of these babies. EBF, contact nappers, had to start nursery at 9 months. Never looked after by anyone else as we have no family around.

It absolutely got better, and a lot quicker than expected, it will be OK I promise!

Milk - Mine used to get very upset if offered milk as they only wanted me for that so nursery quickly worked this out and with my agreement, stopped trying.
They made do with bits and pieces of food and took a huge BF when they got home.

Napping - Initially they would get pushed around in a pram (using up a lot of nursery workers time but they were used to it). Some days they'd only manage a 15 minute catnap and I'd pick up an overtired crazy child.

But again, they got used to it and started napping longer until eventually they could sleep in a cot and have nice long naps. Kids are very adaptable.

I was sick with anxiety for about 2 weeks and then it started falling into place.

What I would say though is that a drawn-out settling process is probably counter-productive.

Mine had a couple of sessions then straight into 5 full days. It meant they adapted a lot faster.

Some of my friends only used nursery once or twice a week and 2 years later drop off is still difficult, because they have to get used to it all over again every week.

You’re not failing her at all. She got upset the first time she was away from you, in an unfamiliar place. Of course shes going to cry - she communicates displeasure by crying! That doesn’t mean she’ll be traumatised for life, or even remember starting nursery in a short time. Stick to your plan - 1 hour stay and play, next day leave her for 30 minutes then take her home - increase in 30 minute increments each day. Don’t try to drop her off, return to settle her if she cries then leave again. That’s very unsettling. Before you know it she’ll be absolutely fine!
I suspect though that your wishes to spend every waking and sleeping second having her with you is more about the circumstances of her premature birth than anything else. That’s totally understandable, but as a long term parenting style isn't great for fostering independence and resilience in children. The greatest gift a parent can give their child is the gift of independence.

Hi Op,

This sounds so stressful. I would ignore those saying it's too young to start settling in sessions.

Like you, our DS was premature, in NICU and had sepsis. And was mostly cared by me and my DH. I do have a wonderful MIL who didn't push boundaries and did help out from time to time during mat leave, but we were anxious with our DS from our experience in NICU, CMPA, weight gain etc. she would look after him whilst I had KIT days but I was WFH so I was always around when that happened.

I went back to work at 10.5 months because I needed to. Not everyone has the luxury of waiting. However we were lucky that my DS crawled into the childminders and didn't care I had left him! Is a childminder an option? They tend to offer a home from home experience and can be more flexible with settling in sessions.

Many hugs to you x

Agree with this, I think getting her used to waiting would help. So she wants something instead of immediately jumping to get it, wait a minute (then build up) keep your face relaxed and reassuring.

Same with naps, get her used to napping for your wife, she’s going to have to get used to napping for the nursery staff

Thank you - I do agree.
I've been getting help with postnatal anxiety and PTSD. Thankfully, my daughter is really socialable, observant and very aware - loves to people watch! Other than this very big separation anxiety (which I had anticipated to some degree) she's developing well and was happy to go with the nursery nurse and interact with both other children and the toys. The fact she did 30 minutes is actually impressive.. I mean, she was upset for 15 minutes, but she was happy when reunited with her cat at home 😅.

I want her to be independent - appropriately, of course. And we'll support her throughout all stages in her life. This is just one of those stages.

Thank you for your kind words x

I came here to say the same: 9 months old is a very complicated moment to make any kind of separation. You seem very thoughtful and have your heart in the right place: I know it's very difficult and, dare I say, awful! Trust yourself during the process and if something doesn't feel right, make whatever changes you can. Good luck 💐

@Preggers101 well, most people just are not as perfect and careful as other people obviously!

Back in the real world things change -mortgages increase substantially (a friend of mine had their mortgage increase by £1,200) a month, cars die, when push comes to shove employers won’t allow compressed hours etc. Or like me end up having twins: our budget worked well for 1 but not for 2 babies

I know my opinion goes against most modern notions of bringing up baby but putting a defenceless baby in a daycare is so sad. Babies need their mothers. If you can, wait a while longer at least.

Exactly. Plus NHS pensions are good so that’s a consideration as well

It does get better but this is a really difficult time for velcrobabies. They are just beginning to develop their understanding of the world as being full of individuals and that you as mummy are a separate individual to them. Before now, the possibility of you not being there was as inconceivable as the possibility of their own hands disappearing. Your DD has worked out that if she can't see you, you must be somewhere else and if she screams loudly enough you will return.

Could you pay one of the nursery staff members to come and visit you at home for a couple of hours every weekend and one midweek day for a few weeks in order that they become familiar?

Don’t worry OP, we did all our calculations and my husband lost his job. My crystal ball broke too.

She’ll get there, mine is 4m but will be going to nursery at 10m so I will have similar I’m sure! No advice but you’re not failing her, it’ll just take time xx