Very bad first session at nursery

[Becsmatestr]

My little girl, 9 months, EBF and only ever been with us (we can't trust that family will respect our parenting style - gentle, and very much push boundaries, even in front of us). She only settles for contact naps with me, not even my wife (she has two mummies). She cosleeps with us both. She was premature and spent time in NICU and SCBU. She then had sepsis. We've been very protective. I've opted to start her settling in at nursery a lot earlier than me going back to work. Today was horrid. We've never seen her so beside herself. Panting and shaking while crying, snot all over her face.. the nursery rang us, they'd tried everything. The nursery nurse was still holding her when we got back to pick her up. How on earth do we make this transition work? Please, please help. Or, if anyone wants to give me the winning lottery numbers so we can stay home and look after our princess, I'd also accept that 😅
From a very, very sad mama x

Thank you - I think this is the most reassuring message I've received.

I'm going to see if there's a local childminder. This nursery has a really, really good reputation, I don't get a bad feeling at all. They've answered all my questions, reassured us. Baby settled and happily went with the nursery nurse, it's just 15mins in, she realised we weren't there.

If we can just get her to understand (big ask at 9months) that we will always come back.. poor babe. I hate that she felt abandoned.

Thank you again x

If you're not going back til 23rd September can you just wait another month to start settling in?
Maybe do some pushchair naps at home and then ask the nursery if they would also be able to do pushchair naps at nursery as well? So there's some consistency there.
If EBF maybe get her used to expressed milk, though solids increase loads between 9-10 months so I wouldn't worry too much about this part as she'll be eating lots more by the end of September.
Also I know she's your baby but honestly the nursery workers as so good at getting them to go to sleep. Is the nursery the best one you can find?

You are NOT failing your daughter. You are doing the absolute opposite. You are doing the best you can in a society that has made it almost impossible for us to stay close to our babies.

To a little baby it probably does feel like deportation from her mums- 9 months is very young, and especially if she hasn't been used to being around other people caring for her, even for the odd half hour or so- of course she's going to have massive separation anxiety left in a completely new environment.

Could you have a Nanny who cares for her in her own home, @Becsmatestr ?

She's never had to be without me, she's never had to settle for anybody else. I'm very responsive, so she's never had to really be upset for any period of time. Even when teething, I work my hardest to find what works timely.

Ok so this is the issue really, she's never been left at all in 9 months, and she's never properly cried for anything, she's just got what she wanted at all times. At nursery, you won't be there, and she will have to wait for things she wants as there's not 1 to 1 staff. Meal times will be at set times and she may have to wait for a bottle and nappy change, and toys that she wants. It's hard for babies to learn that as they are still very young, but this is why your doing the settle sessions. It may take her a bit longer as you've never left her and she's never had to cry, but she will get there, your just doing the transition now instead of doing it in small steps earlier on.

The only message of hope I can give is to say that you're baby's memory is terrible and they won't remember any of this in the future.

My daughter was 2 and cried consistently for what seemed like months. She eventually settled and had a really good time at nursery

She's now 8, doing well at school and has zero memory of ever being unsettled or feeling "abandoned"

Don't worry too much OP - the first time is always the worst, even if they are not Velcro babies!
Now she has experience that you do come back, and she will keep getting that

You have a good few weeks to ease her into it, keep going

In time you will be able to leave, look through the window and see she's ok

I had to leave mine at 8 weeks and 12 weeks due to work - completely understand your heartbreak

You are not failing her at all, she has 2 mummies who adore her, take care of her and are a great example of working in a caring profession too

Now that you know that she couldn't manage at nursery then you can start working on things like her napping in her cot.

Maybe ask a friend round and leave the room for five minutes. Ask a friend to change her nappy, stuff like that. Every time you are with people who you do trust take advantage of that even if it's a small thing like pushing the pram.

Sorry, I don't mean to be overly negative!
To be clear, you're not failing her at all. We all have to make difficult choices when parenting but you know that you're doing the best you can for her so don't listen to judgements from anyone else.
It is absolutely heart breaking though, just know that you're not alone in feeling that way.
I would echo another poster about just considering alternate sessions if that's an option for you - IF she really doesn't settle into this nursery at all.
There isn't really any easy option, it's always going to be hard because at this age they don't understand what is happening and until they become familiar with the setting, they will continue to be upset. It just takes time and lots of tears.
I do think that for the sake of what in reality was only 45 minutes that nursery calling you to come back and get your baby really isn't helping anyone. I don't believe in sleep training or letting a baby cry when you can comfort them; but this isn't an option for you when you go back to work, you can't collect your baby from nursery after an hour every day whilst also being able to keep your job, so it is something that you, the baby and the nursery are going to have to make peace with unfortunately.
I really don't want to be overly negative or upsetting, just realistic. My only message of hope is that it really does get better (though it took almost 6 months in our case for our daughter to be truly settled).

Aww its so tough. DD was the same as we were during lockdown. Had literally never left her with anyone before.
ALL babies get upset during settling sessions, it's why nurseries do them to gently introduce them to a new environment.
I would focus on building a relationship with the nursery - they should be doing everything they can to reassure you that their settle plan is working. You need to confident int heir abilities. I wasnt with my first nursery.

@Becsmatestr Separation anxiety is a two way thing... Leaving a baby or child is hard.

Heck, I know parents who fret about leaving a dog with someone, never mind a child! - some people just do get very ''attached'', especially if they themselves suffered as children {that's just my observations, not based on any studies or research}

A kind local childminder or Nanny might be better.

I run a playgroup Scotland so 1-2 year olds, three hour sessions. A sort of gentle introduction to separation before nursery at three.

She will settle, but it will take time.

I have some who settle week one, then week three is a real trigger.

I have one who has taken a few weeks, mum staying.

Every child is different.

Do you know who has taken the longest to settle and caused the most stress to the nursery? One of mine. Who was with me at work until she was three. Thus has never been left. It was an absolute nightmare, and she is next door in a different room.

January - June it took. I was in playgroup and nursery for a full term.

My point is she has got there, and the fact she had never been left to that age undoubtedly made it worse. But like you, I had to work.

@Becsmatestr Just wanted to give you some reassurance. I had similar worries with our son. He was EBF and we coslept as he had some earlier issues which meant he was up all night (undiagnosed tongue tie and CMPA!) He also only contact napped on me. Even at 22 months he still naps on the bed with me 😂 I work in the NHS too and started him at a local childminders for 3 days per week. I was worried about his naps and generally just settling, as we also have no childcare other than my husband and I. Our childminders are a duo that work together so my son gets the benefit of more kids but in a home environment. We started him there at around 12 months. The first few weeks were tough but he settled and I think the busyness of it all helps. He has always napped in the pram for them or on the sofa with the other kids, which I find baffling as we still rock him to sleep at home 😂 it does get better I promise.

She'd never been alone, or away from one or both of you, or with anybody else.

Then suddenly being left in a strange place with strangers and mums nowhere in sight must have been horrifying for her. No wonder.

Maybe start a plan of gradually easing her into it, with other people and children for short whiles. Softly softly next time.

Becsmatestr Look OP you are not "failing" her at all ,quite the opposite in fact!You and your wife sound lovely caring parents .9 months is about standard really for babes starting Nursery. I would follow your plan ,its sounds good .As you leave her she will gradually get used to it ,and settle down .I was a Nursery Nurse and this was the general rule .Dont feel guilty .needs must and all that!

Childminder here. If it's any consolation I've often found the 9 month old babies easier to settle than those at 11 months/a year. I actually no longer do settling sessions with parents. I find that the baby won't start making bonds with me until parents are not on the scene. My covid babies settled better than any other children because parents were not allowed in. So I've amended how I do things. It's hard at first but honestly it nearly always works out fine. If you stay with nursery make sure the baby has a consistent key worker - that makes a big difference.

Oh crikey, you aren't failing her!

Definitely stay for the next session. And cut it short if you have to. I used to hide in their staff room when mine first started nursery.

Can't see if you've said you go to play groups or stuff like to get her used to other people/babies? But I'd you don't then maybe go e that a go as well. And try and take a bit of a back seat there.

This is for when she is a bit more independent but I always stayed in one place/bench/seat etc whilst mine toddled about (in a safe space) but they always knew where I was if they needed me.

It's hard letting go and going back to work. Expect to be an emotional wreck!

I had to post, my situation was so similar to yours. Premature, only ever been with me and my partner, EBF until 10 months - didn’t even take expressed milk bottles and wasn’t having solids either. I was petrified about how she was going to eat, sleep and be with anyone else. But she did and is a happy healthy 19mo now.

You’re doing an amazing job. The only way she can learn that you always come back is if you leave - this is meant to be upsetting at first, it shows her attachment to you is absolutely where it should be. Things that helped us were:

1. being happy with the setting ourselves so we at least were confident she was being well cared for and was safe
2. spending time with her in the setting so she could see the staff were trusted by us and were friends
3. gently increasing time in the setting as you are, but maybe starting with smaller increments (you could try 15 mins out, 5 mins in with her etc next time she goes?)
4. always telling her when we were leaving and saying goodbye, we didn’t want to surprise her and wanted to set up reliability in that way early on (ie always doing what we said we were going to do).
5. trying to focus on one key relationship in the setting so she could get really used to one person and then branch out

Our LO was with a childminder and I think that really suited her. I think she would have been overwhelmed and swallowed up by even a really good nursery setting. She’s since moved to an even smaller setting where there is just one other or sometimes no other children there and is really thriving now - loves it! The bond she and her childminder have is lovely. I sometimes worry about the jump up to school and how to help her get used to busier environments before then but she’s still so little so I think we have time. I wouldn’t worry about naps yet - that will come when she is calmer and has a relationship with someone there.

I really empathise, it is such a horrible time but it really does get easier and it’s getting to be more of a distant memory now!

That's not helpful. Even older babies/toddlers who have been cared for by friends/relatives before can find nursery distressing at first.

Awh man I so feel for the poor babies, biologically they just want their mums. Hope you can figure it out, OP

It always helps me to remind myself that human children have evolved to be cared for in a community of caregiving adults or "allooparents". Not cared for by just one or two adults (which is a massive stress and strain). Nursery staff, teachers, childminders etc can all be part of that community. Helps to erase the guilt.

Agree with this - start getting her use to other people and sleeping in her cot. DT’s started full time nursery at six months old and although we have no family in the country, they always slept in their cots and were use to taking bottles from our friends .
She’ll get there -nursery staff have magical powers in getting babies to sleep - often all at the same time!

Ah I feel your pain, we started the settling in sessions at 10 months, and it was awful, she was so unsettled, refused food and liquid, had to pick her up early a few times, so the nursery extended the settling in period by a couple more weeks and we did some extra sessions rather than just 1 or 2, and shorter ones. It did get better and after a couple of months she was happily going into her key workers arms, both my daughters were the same. We started at 10 months with 2 months left of my DHs paternity leave, so it helped to know he could just go and get her if needed. Harder when you start them and you're back to work right away.

You have until 23rd September. I think some of the replies here are very dramatic. That's a lovely long time for your baby to get used to being left.
I also wouldn't stress about contact naps. My dd only contact napped on me and was fine once she got used to nursery.
Yes, it's sad she cried and was distressed but nothing actually bad is happening to her and she will get used to it (as will you!)

There are two kinds of crying when children are left at nursery. The first is I want mum crying. This type of crying is usually stopped with play distraction. The second is panic separation anxiety which is I am terrified mum will never come back. It sounds like your baby had the second.

She needs to learn that if you leave, you do come back. So you need to build it up gradually. Leave her with her other mum for 5 minutes in another room and leave the room, then come back 5 minutes later. Pop out for 10 minutes. And so on. She will learn that although she might not want you to go, you do come back.