Very bad first session at nursery

[Becsmatestr]

My little girl, 9 months, EBF and only ever been with us (we can't trust that family will respect our parenting style - gentle, and very much push boundaries, even in front of us). She only settles for contact naps with me, not even my wife (she has two mummies). She cosleeps with us both. She was premature and spent time in NICU and SCBU. She then had sepsis. We've been very protective. I've opted to start her settling in at nursery a lot earlier than me going back to work. Today was horrid. We've never seen her so beside herself. Panting and shaking while crying, snot all over her face.. the nursery rang us, they'd tried everything. The nursery nurse was still holding her when we got back to pick her up. How on earth do we make this transition work? Please, please help. Or, if anyone wants to give me the winning lottery numbers so we can stay home and look after our princess, I'd also accept that 😅
From a very, very sad mama x

My little boy was older when he started (12 months) but also very, very upset at being left-it was really hard, I feel for you. It almost got easier once he started the longer sessions, as he had more time to be distracted by other people/toys/food, so do give it some time. He’s 2 now - I dropped him off this morning and he ran off to have breakfast with his friends, he’s really attached to his key worker, and he loves all the outdoor activities there - I promise it gets better!

My middle one hated nursery at first. Absolutely hated it.
but I had to go back to work so he had to get used to it.

Keep on going, she will get there in the end.

This happened to us with our prem baby. Nursery traumatised my girl and she was only there for 3 days before we pulled her.

She was the same as what you describe with the crying. I'd never seen her like that before or since. In my gut, I didn't want to leave her and I was crying at the thought of leaving her for months beforehand. We chose a nursery because there were several members of staff and it had cameras so we thought it would be better.

We pulled her out and sent her to a childminder that a dear friend of mine recommended. I trusted that friend's opinion. I never once worried once she was with the childminder and my child was fine.

However, since being a childminder myself, it does take babies time to settle. But, when I had a 10 month of, I kept her close in the baby carrier and after a couple hours of days and several settling in sessions with Mummy, she was fine.

Babies that age need a smaller, quieter environment, I think being bonded to one or two particular caregivers.

Plus childminders tend to be older and Mums themselves, not young girls that come and go from job to job.

Ahh OP this was me 12 years ago. I went back to my non-flexible NHS job when our EBF DC was 9mth. We did not do such a gentle transition - I think she did 2 or 3 settling in sessions as she was quite a clingy baby. She went to a wonderful wonderful childminder who was just incredible.

I want you to know it gets easier and it gets better. She WILL settle, she just has no concept of being apart from you. Nothing awful is going to happen. The nap thing will change, she will learn to sleep without you - she will have no option and that’s okay. Be prepared for a very hungry baby the first few times you pick her up - my DC would be clawing at my clothes to get to me as they refused to take BM from a bottle. They did start to do it after a week or so so it didn’t last long.

It gets better I promise.

I wonder if a child minder would be better for her personality. I had two very clingy babies before I returned to work. The constant of 1 understanding carer rather than a nursery where staff can change through shifts and time off for lunch was better for them. You will need to find one that understands it will take a bit of time to build up the bond needed.

Because the mother has to go to work - not complicated to understand

She is very young.
She doesn’t yet understand that if you go you will come back.
She will learn that - if it’s any consolation I stayed at home and went through this when DS started school. So it isn’t necessarily something you could avoid if you went back to work later or not at all.

Paying the bills to enable your family to have a roof over their head is pretty beneficial for baby.

What about your wife’s workplace though? Can she take some time off or move her hours around? You both should get statutory leave for 18 years - unpaid but if you’re not paying for nursery then maybe it could be used? (Assuming she’s employed and not freelance etc - I’m freelance so I don’t think I get this, DH often uses his allowance though). It’s only 4 weeks a year but that might make all the difference, or add on some wife’s annual leave too? Eke it out to her birthday?

Or maybe a childminder or nanny could be less of a severe transition? I’m a nursery user so no judgement at all, never used a CM or nanny yet myself.

She’s had such a rocky start and she’s not even been alive a year yet! Really sorry you’re going through this stress.

Sorry OP, I know how stressful it is having a baby who doesn’t like to go to nursery. One of mine was like this from day 1 and cried every single drop off until starting school 😂 the other ran in happily and never looks back.

There are things you can do to better prepare them, but a lot comes down to personality. It doesn’t seem surprising she was going to struggle given what you’ve described. I would work on teaching her you will always come back, you can even turn it into a game. I also wouldn’t underestimate what she can understand, so do tell her exactly what’s going to happen and that you will always come back. Have you read her owl babies ?

Can she take a comforter from home in with her?

Will they let you both go in for a few sessions to sit and watch her explore the environment first?

It’s not very helpful to suggest this now, but really if you’re exclusively breast feeding you’d have ideally got her able to take a bottle and be happy with others feeding her much sooner. No wonder it’s a big shock for her. You can work on this to help her get used to being looked after by someone else. Same with the contact naps. You may need to speak to a sleep coach who can help you with this.

She also works in the NHS and has been refused change of hours - I've managed to drop one day, so it's only 3 days of nursery needed, but we can't afford to drop any more hours of work. We have a mortgage and a car. Life is ridiculously expensive right now.

I know. Poor baby. I wish things could be different, I really do. She did well for the first 15 minutes, playing with toys and the other babies, then they said she looked around and realised we weren't there - and they tried her expressed milk, her duck teddy, a pacifier, change of environment, singing, bubbles, distractions. They rang us and we obviously dashed back.

I'm going to try and stay tomorrow, and just go back in if she gets upset, settle her and wait outside the door. To try and help her realise, we will always return for her. It's so harsh. So traumatic.

It's going to be a big change for her if you've never left her with anyone before. Do you take her to many groups so she's confident around other babies? If not then try adding some groups to your weekly routine alongside the nursery sessions. She will get used to it eventually, it may just take her a b it longer. I had my dd in lockdown so she hadn't gone to groups and wasn't able to be left with anyone before nursery started, and we weren't allowed many settles because covid. It was hard but she did settle and then loved nursery for the next 3 years. My ds was born last year and is just doing his settled now, he's been to loads of groups and has been left with others and there's a huge difference between him and my dd at his settles, he's way more confident and happy to be there.

It is worrying that it was only an hour and the nursery had to call you as they couldn't settle her.
My daughter was EBF, co slept etc and started nursery 2 full days a week at 10 months and it was really tough, but we never had a situation where nursery had to call us as they couldn't settle her. So I would be questioning how experienced they are with young babies. Do they have any recommended strategies to help with the transition? Eg a teddy/blanket from home that smells like parents, favourite books, nursery rhymes/songs etc anything that helps soothe them at home or reminds them or home.
We did drop off as late as we could & collect as early as we could when she first started as she struggled a lot, barely ate/slept and had to be held a lot by the nursery staff. It got easier over time but it was many months.
It also made home life and the transition back to work really difficult, as soon as I got home I had to breastfeed my baby, she would immediately fall asleep in my arms and just nothing got done, I felt so tired and overwhelmed.

She's at exactly the wrong age for this.

Oh it’s tough isn’t it! She will settle, some babies just take longer than others.
as absolutely heart wrenching as this feels for you, I honestly would keep going and try to keep as positive about drop off as you can. She will pick up on your anxiety and this will feed the situation negatively.
Does she respond better if your wife drops her off? (finds it easier to separate from her?)
My two used to kick off for me but not bother so much with Daddy😂
the nursery staff will be well experienced in this and will get you all through it, I promise!

That’s actually a good plan. Good luck with it!

It sounds like you’ve got a lovely long settling in period too and short frequent visits will really help to reinforce that you are coming back!

You are doing so well. I would have loved to stay at home longer with my babies but had to go back to pay the bills 9 months and 8 mo the old. EBF too. I know will have looked at all options but can you look at child minder I always found the larger classic nursery settings very overwhelming for my babies as child minder it’s more like the “home” environment. If you can’t look at other options I promise she will settle as long as you feel confident it is the best setting you will get there.

DD also started at 9 months and was a Velcro BF cosleeper and the first nursery couldnt get her to settle AT ALL, she was screaming, they couldnt get her to sleep so I was picking her up halfway through the day.
I tried another nursery after viewing the baby room during naptime and she settled immediately, slept like a dream.
Are you confident its not the setting?

I'm anticipating it being tough when I return to work, and I know it's very likely she'll feed as soon as she sees me/reverse cycle through the night.

They had babies in her age and younger. They seem a very lovely team and I've a couple of work colleagues whom have had their babies in from similar ages.

She won't be in 3 days until she's 11 months - I've asked for extended transition time, basically.

She's never been away from us apart from when in NICU - and even then, I basically set up camp and refused to leave.

She's never had to be without me, she's never had to settle for anybody else. I'm very responsive, so she's never had to really be upset for any period of time. Even when teething, I work my hardest to find what works timely.

I can't trust family, as I was abused. My MIL also tried feeding her a blooming Yorkshire pudding at 4 months.. and constantly pushes the boundaries. I just can't trust anybody to help us, help her, get used to mummies nipping out..

I was hoping for some messages of hope, but I'm definitely not getting any of it. I probably shouldn't have messaged on here looking for it 🤣 now my heart hurts worse for her, knowing I'm basically failing her.

I do find it strange thought that people don't cost all of this out before they choose to have a baby

Wow super helpful @brightyellowflower

I think it's that she's never, ever been without us - ever. They said she was doing really well, until she realised we weren't there.

Napping is a HUGE worry for me - she only contact naps on me, so God knows how any of this is ever going to work 😭

I'm absolutely heartbroken this morning.

You’re not failing her.
How can you be? Needing child care isn’t failing her.
Like I said I had this when DS started school - you could say I failed him by not preparing him for being away from me.
You are doing a great job

1 hr sessions must be too long for her, seeing as she has never been apart from you. Speak to the child’s worker in the nursery, and ask for the time to be built up more gradually.

It’s actually very common for babies to get upset during setting sessions, and it’s also normal for parents to be asked to return to pick up a baby if they become upset during the settling in session. I know it’s hard to see your baby getting upset, but I’m a bit surprised that the staff in the nursery didn’t reassure you that this is usual.

I worked in a nursery - but we had 30 minute settling sessions for babies and would build it up.

The parents would stay for the first visit, then wait in the parent room for the next visit, so as they were nearby and could come back into room right away if the baby got upset.

We would continue this until the baby was comfortable with us for 30 mins, and after that parents would drop them off for an hr.

We would then extend the time, to include staying for a snack or bottle, then staying over lunch, then a half day including a nap etc depending on the babies routine.

It does take time, and every baby is different, but never worked with a baby that wasn’t settled after a month. What you have described is normal, and as pp’s have said, it’s usually just a matter of persevering.

Your baby will pick up on how you respond to to going to the nursery and how you interact with the staff in the room.

My advice for your next visit would be to interact with the staff like you would your friends, chat to them and take an interest in resources in the areas of the room and stay and play with your baby.

Bring a familiar item from home, like a blanket or toy that they like, as this will provide them some comfort.