What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

No no no, if she's working part-time, then she should not be paying 50% of the nursery fees. It needs to be pro-rata, depending on both of their salaries. So depending on who earns what, if say, he earns more than her, he should be paying a higher percentage of the childcare bill.

And I fully agree with that but the original post reads she'll be paying 100% which is so much worse..

On these threads people always respond with “childcare is a shared cost”. Obviously it is - but the fact still remains that if mum goes back to work, she earns X amount, it will cost Y in childcare and Z will be the difference - positive or negative.

Whose money if technically comes from makes no difference when looking at impact on overall household income.

But - as others have said - when you say you’ll need to ask for money - that doesn’t sound good at all. If your relationship isn’t completely secure, I wouldn’t take the risk.

Once we accounted for needing a 2nd car, fuel etc we were a tiny bit worse off by me going back to work - but for me it was worth it because by the time we got nursery funding, we were much better off.

Now my kids are older, no childcare costs, but I’m wondering if the stress of work and the impact it has on my parenting from being constantly exhausted, emotional and burnt out - as well as no energy to cook from working 12+ hour days, trying to be in 3 places at once from after school activities, missing sports days, school plays etc - is worth it. I am questioning the impact me working has on our whole family balance/happiness. But at the same time worried about pensions!

1)Your husband needs to do some childcare and/or consider reducing his hours.
2) Childcare costs are a shared responsibility in a marriage
3) He should not be lending you what is your joint money. (It's a marriage)
4) Keep your career. Never ever ever rely on a man. It makes you very vulnerable.

As many others have said there isn’t an absolute right or wrong answer. Putting aside what your OH thinks what is it you feel like you want to do? If you strongly want to go back to work or strongly want to be a SAHM that might be your answer and you need a discussion about how that will work. If you are unsure I think I’d maybe try going back first. Seems like it would be easier to hand in notice at a later date vs look for a new job while you have a small child. Whatever you do childcare is something you share & your partner should be both paying a fair share of any costs and doing a fair share of the care when you are both around. What that will look like may differ per couple. A good measure for us has been us both having equal free time and money available to pursue our individual interests.

Your husband viewing it as lending you money is a red flag for me. If you are a family unit it is better for finances to be shared. My ex was ok about money (although we had very separate finances) until I became a sahm. After that he viewed it very much as his money and resented giving me or 'lending' me money for anything. I was a sahm for 7 years and it was such a relief when I went back to work, it was just a few hours a week and most of my wages went on childcare (I had to pay nursery fees, ex never offered to help with that) but I had a bit of financial independence again.

I loved my time as a sahm but I wish I hadn't taken a career break. I would advise my daughter when she is older to keep her job so that she has financial independence and doesn't become trapped like I did.

Instead of 3 long days, would there be the option to do maybe 3 and a half or 4 shorter days?

I don't think there's necessarily a right answer. This is my experience, for what it's worth:

I'm a SAHM to our toddler. It can be exhausting, sometimes boring and a little lonely, and also very frustrating not earning my own money - that can also feel a bit vulnerable. We can just about manage financially, but my job was poorly paid compared to my husband's so, like you, the "extra" family income from my work would have mostly been taken up by nursery fees. It didn't feel worth it to me. I should also add that I hardly had a glittering career that I was desperate to get back to (a few very fulfilling years in non profit sector, but followed by few years in a perfectly tolerable but "in it for the paycheck" job).

However. Spending my days with my kid is the best, most rewarding thing I've ever done. We are very close and I find watching her grow and learn to be the most magical thing I've ever experienced. I make an effort to get us out to playgroups etc so she does mix with other kids, although I sometimes worry that it's not enough - perhaps when she's a bit older I'll consider preschool. But at 2 she's only just starting to pay attention to other children and attempt to play, and I'd say that seems on par with her peers? I don't personally believe there's a huge social benefit to nursery for actual babies, although I suspect plenty would disagree.

Ultimately, I didn't want her to spend the majority of her days with strangers. I wanted to really experience and enjoy these early months and years, and I am - pretty much everything she says and does absolutely delights me (except the occasional tantrum but that's all part of it, I suppose). We play, bake, paint, plant seeds, do chores, bug hunt, read, walk the dog, lie in a hammock together and watch the birds. I've learned so much. I suspect the ideal model is probably having kids raised in a cooperative multi-generational family "village", but sadly I don't have anything like that. I just hope I am enough for her, for now.

I will say that I generally find Mumsnet to be pretty down on SAHMs. Perhaps I'd feel the same way if I absolutely had to go back to work and I know I'm very lucky to be in the situation I'm in, although it has certainly required sacrifices. But I do have respect for other SAHMs, as I know from experience it's also a full time job and can be very hard work for no (financial) reward, plus I'm sure it'll make returning to work harder later on.

Hope you figure out what's best for your family - could be completely different to ours!

10 hours is a really long day. I stayed at home with ours and really enjoyed it but only you know your character.

My DS goes to nursery 3 days a week and has done since a year old, 10.5 hour days. This decision was made because

• I have poured blood, sweat and tears into my career and I didn’t want to give it up. I think it would be difficult to get back into it if I’d had years off.
• I am in the fortunate position where my salary was about £1.5k more than nursery fees (now about £2.7k higher due to promotions)
• I truly adore my son but like having something that makes me feel like justlonelystars rather than “mummy”

In addition to this, my husband and I share all money so it’s never been on my shoulders to pay for the fees by myself. He is our son and my husband supports my decisions around work so is happy to share the costs (as all dads should imo). My son loves nursery and, particularly as an only child, has thrived there in terms of his social development. I have a day off a week with him and we have a lovely time together, then the weekends as a family.

I think you need to make the decision pragmatically- it tugged on my heartstrings to leave my baby at nursery initially but in the long term it’s been the best decision for both him and me.

Why isn’t your husband doing the drop off? Would result in a shorter day for your baby. My husband likes a leisurely start so I used to head into the office early whilst he did the drop off and I finished earlier than he did as I’d started early so did the pickup.

I would always say to work. One look at the relationships board on here confirms it. Hundreds of women trapped by financial circumstances with no independence or ability to support themselves or their DC. Your DH could leave you tomorrow leaving you entitled to maintenance only. Could you support yourself and half of your child’s costs?

that's my exact position as well, without my career we would have be screwed with DH loosing income. Both worked FT with DS.

I can't even comply giving up my independence if my DH said he would loan me money for childcare.

That's just not needed and frankly just fucking rude.

Depends abit how much maternity leave you have? If it's a year it would be doable if it's only 3 months then you would be too shattered to work properly and drive safely. I think there's new laws with more rights for flexible working requests so you might be able to do two days a week

I think you need to have clear conversations around money before you make a decision. Regardless of the option you decide, all money should be family money. You don't need to be loaned money from your DH. You should have full access to family money just as he does.

I wouldn't consider being a stay at home parent if you're not confident in your relationship and your access to family finances tbh. However that being said, should all that be fine I would consider it yes. Or even look for an alternative job that suits you better.

I've always worked part time two days per week since my DCs were born and I love the balance this gives me. I would have happily been a SAHM too though but I didn't want to give up my career at the time as I was worried I'd have to start from scratch at a later date.

if your dh doesn't want his child to go to nursery then he should be doing some childcare. How come this is all on you - the decisions, the costs?

Well maybe he should stay at home if he doesn't want your child to go to nursery?

Surely the discussion should be what you want to do too not just feeling like childcare falls on you. I've seen so many women end up badly off long term through doing this.

I would never want to be financially dependent on a man who works with "allowances". 10 hours days are very normal in my circles and I don't know anyone who has given up work in that scenario, personally. There are many who have though.

Everyone is completely different and everyone’s circumstances and options are completely different so this is by no means a judgement but I’ll just give you an insight to how I felt and what I did at the time.

I didn’t want to leave my baby and I definitely didn’t want my choices impacting my baby any more than they needed to. I visited a few nurseries and couldn’t imagine leave my PFB in one for 10 hours a day. But I knew I had to maintain a level of independence for myself and my child to safeguard our future. (My parents had their own messy divorce and my mum spent far too long in an unhappy marriage because she felt financially trapped. That was NEVER going to happen to me.)

I returned to my career after 13 months mat leave, 4 days per week. I hired a nanny to look after my baby at my home. I think it cost more than my salary once tax and NI was taken into account. I did this because our home was where my baby felt most comfortable. A nanny could give her undivided attention. I wasn’t returning to work because I needed the money right then, luckily my husband earned enough to support us. I returned to work for my future and as a “just in case” I ever needed to leave my husband. As I said above, I never wanted to be in the same position as my mum.

I have never regretted my decision. Me and DH are still together, my baby is now late teens. We are as close as ever. She has no recollection of that time. But me furthering my career early on means I have been around a lot more during her teens as I’m now Board level exec so I decide my hours/calendar. I can provide her with everything she needs (in terms of money and time), and I will be able to afford her uni easily.

Basically, I earned nothing in those first few years as everything I earned paid for the nanny, but there is no way I could have possibly earned what I do now plus have all the flexibility that benefits me and my children had I not just sucked it up for a couple of years when they were babies (that they don’t even remember now).

this with bells on. If you dont already have a relationship where money is fully family money, I would be hugely concerned.

Could you and your husband both work part time? Your child isn’t your sole responsibility.

I picked up on yr H ‘loaning’ you money! This may have been an unintentional slip, but if it’s not, hey ….. my H’s wages have simply gone into the pot and spent by whoever/whatever needed it. Loaning…I don’t understand that.

Regarding working and childcare, if you work the 3 days you haven’t put all yr eggs in one basket so to speak. But 10 hrs for a little one is a very long time away from you. I don’t envy you the decision.

Judgy much? Let families do what works best for them while you do you.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It has been eye opening and has definitely made me sway a bit more towards working. As some have mentioned one of my fears has always been being financially dependent on someone so much so that if they ever left I would be in a difficult situation or alternatively may end up feeling financially trapped. This is just an insecurity I have probably from hearing this from others in my life. By all means I am not in a job where I could financially support my little one by myself but at least if I'm working, I'm keeping myself in the employment market. This may seem selfish on my little one, but also for me there is an element of returning to work for my own mental health as I can feel lonely at times so this would probably make me a better parent having that balance. I still have 9 months of my maternity leave left so I guess if I changed my mind I could always leave nearer the time, although I would feel bad for my work for messing them around, I guess sometimes these things have to be done.

I'll give you my perspective as someone who's DC are now adults. I worked 3 days a week with 1 DC and dropped to 2 days when the second came along. I don't regret it for a minute - work gave me the chance to have a break from the children and also keep my well paid job with pension, security etc.

It came very useful when later my husband unexpectedly left the family - I was fine financially as I had never not worked.

The DC are happy and achieved well. I don't look back and think I missed out as I was with them more than I was not with them.

I've now taken early retirement- that would not have been possible if I'd become a SAHM.