What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

Why are you falling into the trap of thinking childcare costs are your responsibility?
Do you have full access to money ?

There’s no right answer. I need time away from being mum. So I would work. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to work part time at the moment (due to the job and lack of flexible working). So DC are in nursery 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I know many will judge and I hate myself for it. But I would love 3 days. It would be the perfect balance for me.

10 hour days are long. If I had a choice I wouldnt send my child to nursery for 10 hours at a time so I vote stay at home.

I work 3 days a week, 1 year old is in nursery for 3x 10 hour days (loves it) and 4yo is in for 4 x 10 hour days, so goes in on a day I don't! This gives me a day with just the baby to get stuff done like the food shop etc.

I think you would be a happier mum, and a happier worker if you did the 3 days, it's the best of both worlds (despite its challenges as well).

The red flag for me is that you talk about DH loaning you money to do things or have coffee. If you you are going to be a SAHM whoever is doing the paid work is bringing in money that belongs to you both. There should be no loaning going on.

I am a SAHM, and have been for many years, but I would not recommend it in your situation.

Would you have to leave them in for the full 10 hours each of the days? Maybe you and your partner could share pick ups and drop offs. A shorter day would be more manageable as a transition for your little one and you wouldn’t miss as many moments, eg. they’d have breakfast with you, or a trip to the park after pick up

I would think long term- pension contributions and having a career to return to.
I also wouldn't want to be financially dependent on a man so would always choose to work (you hear so many horror stories on MN alone!)

Why are you paying for childcare? Why would you only have £350 left, why would your husband be lending you, his wife and the mother of his child money? All money should be shared money regardless of whether you go back to work or stay at home and facilitate your husbands career by providing childcare for your joint child. You had this child together, all costs relating to your shared child are your shared responsibility. If nursery is £1500 a month then you each pay £750 out of your salaries but frankly if you have a child together all money should be going into one acc and then anything left over after all bills should be shared equally between the two of you

Comments like this are so unhelpful. What do you think happens to the child during those 10 hours? They have a great time with other children, socialising, developing, learning, trying different foods.

I was with my mum until I started school, she didn't work, and you know what, I was a very shy and nervous kid in reception as a result.

What jumped out at me was the phrase "lending you money". He's not lending you money, if you aren't working you can't pay him back.

I know mumsnet generally says everyone should combine their finances. We don't, as I've been in a financially abusive situation before so it's important to me to have my own money. But I think if you're not working then shared finances are the only way to go. It won't work if you have to ask him every time you want money for something.

Sorry in answer to your question, I am a SAHM with full access to family money. This has been the best choice for my children but personally it is challenging and I have really lost my career, however I would make the same choice again, my children have really benefited from being at home for longer

SAHM! You’ll have time to work when your little one is in school

Childcare doesn't just come out of your salary though does it? The child is your DH's yes?

In your situation, I'd definitely try to keep your job. It doesn't sound like the relationship is stable and there are already red flags that your DH will control access to money,

Few thoughts: surely it’s a joint expense for nursery fees? If you stay at home and mind your child he does not lend you money - it should be joint money.
I did nursery and then stayed at home. 10 hour days are extremely long and it can be tough on little kids. I love being a SAHM although I probably will go back when they are older . However, my husband and I are very clear his earnings are our money, and he would never dream of checking how I spend it and he values my role at home. I wouldn’t do it unless I had this type of partnership and felt very secure in my relationship.

We both worked part time and DS was with a childminder then in nursery for the days we couldn’t cover. Worked for us. But it wasn’t 10 hour days though. How long is your commute?

Your husband shouldn't be lending you money and he should pay a proportional amount towards the childcare costs.

From what you describe, keep your job. Part-time would be great and full-time better than being a SAHM in the relationship you describe.

If one of you drops off and the other picks up from nursery, the days aren't as long.

I never understand why fathers can’t share earning and childcare equally with mothers if that’s what they both want and can earn enough so they can avoid paying for childcare or at least pay for less. Surely it benefits everyone and I just don’t see how we will have equality in careers and earnings without some fairness.

Is it possible for your partner to do a couple of days while you work OP? If you both decide you can be SAHM make sure you have a plan of how finances will be shared, how childcare funded and how your pension will be compensated and future employment assured. Don’t make yourself too vulnerable.

If you have the option to go down to 3 days and feel that would work better for you than full time I’d do that. Keeping your career going and maintaining your earning power is so much more valuable than just the money that’s left when you subtract the childcare (which as a PP said, is a false way of looking at it as that’s not a ‘you’ expense). I would be particularly wary of giving up work if my husband used the word ‘lending’ to describe my use of family money. In fact, that’s something you’d need to sort out if you went part time too.

I had this dilemma. DH offered me the option to be a SAHM as we could easily live off his salary alone. I was massively torn but I decided to go back as I thought it’s better to go back and quit than not go back and wonder if I made the right choice.

As it happened, I made the right choice to go back. I didn’t realise just how much I needed my career and own space away from being a mum. It made me a happier person and therefore a better mum. But that’s my own experience. Theres no right or wrong answer.

Edit to add that I went down to four days and my mum had DS one day a week, so it was a nice balance in that he was at nursery three days a week, one day a week with my mum, one day just the two of us, and then the weekend.

@GrazingSheep we don't have a joint account so all our money is separate. My husband has said that he would give me a credit card. My husband has never wanted our child to go to nursery and so I feel it would be on me to pay the child care fees but then I wouldn't be responsible for paying anything else (i.e rent, bills or food).

“will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money”

“If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees”

🚩🚩🚩

I'd say you were in a fortunate position (work-wise at least) to be able to do 3 days at work and 2 days at home.

OP literally asked for opinions. This is mine.

10 hour days are long, there's no disputing that, regardless of whatever great time the child is having at nursery.