What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

My DC went into nursery for similar length days for 3 days a week. They enjoyed it at the time, but barely remember it now, a few years later.

I don't regret it. By sticking with my job, now they are older I have the flexibility to work around school hours.

If you chose a good nursery they will have a good mix of downtime in the day along with fun activities. My DC didn't really feel any difference between a 8am - 6pm nursery day, and 9 - 3 school.

Stay at home. It's a no brainer

Tbh it works against men too. As I say I know two families who did it that way round ( and it isn’t faux naivety to believe that can work) and they got quite a bit of backlash for it. Like your DH, they were the better choice of sahp. Society needs more flexibility in attitude but I don’t think that needs to rule out sahp.

Yes me too, the idea of commuting home with a tired toddler.

Plus if the nursery is near OP's work but not the DH's it's just one more excuse for him to opt out of parenting.

If he’s using the phrase “lend” in regards to your joint financial situation when you’re raising his child I would not leave your job and put yourself in a financially very vulnerable position.

I'm nearly your age. I continued to work FT with my three in childcare and I don't have one single regret. In fact, I am really glad I did now that I am nearer to retiring and I kept up my pension contributions. I don't think I missed out on anything. I was always with them when I wasn't at work, so we had plenty of quality time.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

I think your husband is your real problem here. You don't trust him to support you and your child. Under that circumstance, you'd be wise to work, or at least have the child benefit paid into your account. You should pool money anyway now that your child is here.

I notice that you capitalise the word "Husband" and not other words like "baby". I've seen this writing style in other contexts: D/s relationships where the dominant partner is "Ma'am" or "Sir" always capitalised. Now, I may be way off the mark there and it might just be a typing quirk you have, but if I am right, bear in mind that abusers can masquerade as dom(me)s.

Yes, that's a good point! Is the H not going to deign to do any dropoffs or pickups? Can't he schedule his time so that he can do his share?

It's really not!

Just to add I was a SAHM for a year before returning to work part time, I had full access to our joint account which we used to put both our full time wages and then only my husband was paying into. It was considered our money, my husband understood childcare is work and was a joint decision and also my pension and career was taking a hit so he would never have financially punished me further for taking one for the parenting team. Xx

Huh? He doesn't want your child to go to nursery but he also sees it as him "lending" you money if he supports you to stay at home?

Big red flags around your husband, sorry.

Even if he doesn't want your child to go to nursery AND feels his earnings as totally joint money, it STILL wouldn't be solely your obligation to pay for nursery.

Whether or not one or both of you FEEL that his earnings are totally joint, the fact of the matter is that there is no way for you to ensure that you will be treated fairly if you quit your career or that you will always have equal access to the benefits of his income and earnings. If you ever divorce, state mandated child maintenance is comparatively small. There are ways to get around it by hiding income. Even if everything he has earned to the point of divorce were to be split equally, you will have lost your career progression i.e. your earning potential, promotions (and raises), pension contributions, you name it. You cannot force a father to take 50-50 custody so your future job would likely be impacted by having to work around childcare, so that would make it harder for you to get back into the workforce. It is not fair that he can keep his future lifetime earning potential and you lose yours, just because he SAYS "I don't want my child to go to nursery and therefore if you CHOOSE to send her there rather than quitting your job and becoming my dependent, then the costs of nursery are totally on you."

SAHP are great, I was raised by one, she was brilliant. And of course we know better now and know that men can be good carers and so they should be considered more often. I'd never slag off SAHP.

Working parents are great too though. In particular, maintaining a career allows women to retain financial independence and avoid financial abuse, which it seems OP may be at risk of.

Can't your husband drop off?

Is there a middle ground like working part time. I wouldn't want a baby in nursery for 10 hrs but I also couldn't be a stay at home mum

I gave up work after my 1st born as I didn’t feel ready to send him to nursery so I handed my notice in at the end of maternity. I have been a stay at home mum for 7 years and had a second child in this time.
It’s definitely challenging but I wouldn’t change it for the world and I will never regret spending that time with them.

I’d say I only started to long to go back to work about a year ago, started casually job hunting about 8 months ago and have now been back to work for 2 months and loving it 😊
It was terrifying at first and I did lose my confidence but it all worked out in the end and I’m really happy with my current work/life balance.

I should also add, I have a very supportive DH and it wouldn’t have been possible without him so this should be a massive factor in your decision.

Whichever choice you make doesn’t have to be final either - you can try going back to work and then leave if it doesn’t work out, or you can try the SAHM life and then go back to work if that doesn’t work out too.

It’s a very personal decision that only you can make and whatever you choose to do will be what works best for your family at the end of the day 😊

Could you stay at home until your little one is 2?

She is talking about PT, she's talking about 3 days. So working 9-5 with the baby in nursery 8-6 presumably, but two weekdays off plus the weekend.

A wise post.

Part time sounds ideal, and shorter days would generally be better for LO.
but as above, it really does need to be a personal decision.
and I was a sahm with each of mine til they were 2 - I’m a child psychologist and therapist so I’m admittedly biased!

From your post, it seems to me like you are not a person that would enjoy being a sahp, so I suggest you return to work. Independence is important for some people, and if it is for you, and you also felt lonely during maternity, then you will probably be happier if you returned to work. My first went to nursery 9hrs 5 times a week, the second 9hrs 4 times a week. They both loved it and I have a very close relationship with both.
Moreover, as many posters have said, given that you do not have a joint account with your husband and that you view paying for childcare as your responsibility because your husband does not want his child to go to nursery, I think it is very risky for you not to return to work. You should return, and when you do, you should both pay for childcare proportionally to your incomes - as pp have said, childcare enables both of you to work, not just you. You should also share drop-offs and pick-ups, and share looking after your child when he is unwell and can't go to nursery.
If your husband does not want your child to go to nursery, he is welcome to become at stay at home parent.
Just to add that I have nothing against being a sahp - it can work great for some people, but I don;t think it will work for you.

I had the exact same choice as you years ago, either to go back to work or be a SAHM. My son would also have been in nursery for 10 hours 3 days a week. My eldest is now in secondary school and I haven’t regretted choosing to be a SAHM for a second. DH and I have always had separate bank accounts and that does work for us - he pays into my account each month and then it’s mine, no ´lending’ involved. I found it tricky to get used to not earning the money from my own job at first but I got used to it, and earn some of my own during school time and at weekends now.

As for loneliness, I made friends at baby/toddler groups. I didn’t enjoy going to them but they were worth it for that.

If I had an established career or a job I liked more I probably would have chosen to go back to work. I was planning to go back at first but I was really, really dreading it and for me it was a gut feeling that I didn’t want to so the decision was easy once I knew I had the choice.

There is no right answer as it’s different for everyone BUT if you are having any doubts about the stability of your relationship perhaps keeping your career and earning power ticking over could prove valuable in the long run.

Childcare is a joint expense. If he doesn’t want the baby to go to nursery, is he planning on getting a nanny? Or taking care of baby by himself?
3d nursery and working 3 days gives you a good balance of keeping your career, financial independence and also having 2 days with your child!
I started mine in nursery, 5d a week, 10h a day and what I noticed is he learnt so many new things there. The nursery takes kids from 3m old and the ones who had been there since young were extremely well socialised ( mine was a little shy for the first 3months )
so yes I think 3D nursery would be good for both of you

I work 3 days, it’s a nice balance.

I think in an ideal world it’s good to be equal when it comes to childcare/work/home and to share with your dh. But that’s not always possible. If financially you don’t need to work I would consider staying at home as a temporary solution. However I am someone who craves independence so could you consider another role working around dh? Or changing role so childcare isn’t such long hours. I loved the baby years and being home as much as possible but also appreciated my own finances. I think it teaches your children a good work ethic too.

Emerald4567 · Today 20:18

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees.

So the baby is not your husband's baby?

It is the only way that he can justify not paying any childcare costs.

If the baby is also his baby, then he should be paying his share of the childcare costs.