What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

If your husband doesn’t want your child to go to nursery he can stay home and take care of them

Nursery and work

@Changed18 commute is about 40 mins so I think I would find a nursery near my work rather than near where I live as otherwise the day would be even longer for my little one.

Keep your job. Parenting is not only about the baby years.

Three days a week is a good balance, I think. Both of my DC started nursery at 8 months old. They attended 4 days per week for about the same daily hours you are considering. I felt really guilty about it at the time but they both grew up absolutely loving nursery. I saw some of my friends children who started attending at 2-3 years old really struggle and never really settle properly whereas, to mine, it was just somewhere they had always been.

I found I was a much better parent for being away from them and still having something that was mine. If anything, being a SAHM got a lot more appealing once they were both in school and had constant events that parents were expected to attend!

I’m old, so you might just disregard my opinion, but anyway;

Whats best might depend on your child. I provide childcare, so my daughter has choices. But her oldest doesn’t really like being in nursery. Given the choice (he’s now nearly 4) he’d stay with me all week. His brother on the other hand loves nursery, and is bored within half an hour of nana’s crafts and activities and would rather be with his friends at nursery.

I do realise some families have no choice, but it does help if you can to consider the personality of your little one.

I don't think you should even consider being a SAHM if you don't have completely shared finances. What is happening with maternity leave - is he keeping all his money as normal while you take the hit?

If he doesn't want his DC to go to nursery and he thinks he can support you (ie not lending money for a coffee) then he puts his money where his mouth is or the conversation is at an end.

Having worked in a few nurseries I chose not to send my children until they were potty trained and could reliably communicate about their day but I am lucky that I can take them to work with me. Everyone will have a different opinion you really have to figure out what's best for you and your child.

Have you got a nursery place yet? Round here the wait lists are about a year long so that might make your decision for you!

Good Idea. So then is it more like 8 hours, or a bit less? But also the journey both ways.

I was a SAHM. It was right for me.
When we married 42 years ago DH insisted on pooled money which has never been a problem. (We’ve argued about other issues but never about money.) It concerns me that you talk about your DH “lending” you money.
My DiL works three days a week and has done for 8 years. Nursery and GPs have covered those days.
When I married I took a chance it would work out. When I became a mum I couldn’t predict what motherhood would be like for me. We all take chances.

If your husband isn't keen on sending his child to nursery, and wouldn't pay the fees, is he also considering giving up his job? I get that it's personal choice and you may want to not go back but I don't understand men who make these comments but assume it would be the woman to give up their career.
Total red flag.
As is the him loaning you money, you should have access to the family pot

Whats your set up at the moment OP? How do you split housework and the life admin? How are you affording maternity leave if you don’t have a shared account? Does he have separate savings to you?

I think you and your DH should both work 4 days per week. That way you still have the same childcare costs, but the career penalty is split more evenly.

I work in a nursery and still wouldn't want my child doing such long days. If you have too then fair enough but if I had the option to stay home instead I would.

Baby will obviously be fine whatever OP decides but she did ask for opinions.

Consider if you do choose a nursery closer to your work then your child will no doubt sleep in the car on the way home. Worth considering it the other way round.

Also are you sharing nursery drop off and pick ups? Dh and I did this before I eventually became a sahm but I had full access to shared money and none of this lending me money attitude.

I would definitely work. They have so much interaction and activities at nursery.

But you need to sort out your controlling husband and your mindset. Just because he is physically being paid doesn't mean it not joint money....you're allowing him to do it by looking after your joint child.

It doesn't sound like your husband has a very good attitude. I agree with all the other comments about shared finances and costs.

What sort of job do you have? Is it something you can get back into? Is it a career?

Personally I would vote work 3 days. My kids are in primary school now and I expected I would be back full time at work, but actually wrap around childcare prohibits that. I also don't want the kids to be in after school clubs. I worked 3 days when the kids were babies. Now they're in school I spread my hours 9-3 now and do all pick ups. I can take them to things after school like swimming lessons and scouting clubs that they want to do. If you've got a chance to work part time I would take it, as part time jobs can be hard to come by. Think longer term.

We both kept working FT after having kids. It was absolutely the right decision. I’ve built a solid career, which has meant that we’ve been able to survive DH being made redundant twice in the past 5 years. Plus I have a decent pension of my own. It’s not just about the pre-school years. (My DC are 18 and 20).

I love being a SAHM, she's 2 now and it's flown by. Everyone is different but this time with her is so fleeting and truly the most fulfilling of my life.

Personally I would avoid a 40 mun drive for the baby twice a day. That'll play havoc with your naps later on 😆

If you chose a nursery near your work, isn’t that risky driving 40 minutes - mine would’ve fallen asleep!

This. My sister and her husband did this except 3 days each. It meant they both kept their careers ticking over and their children only needed child care 1 day a week which saved them a fortune - nearly as much as they lost in wages.

Being a SAHP is wonderful in my opinion but only if finances are 100% shared. The working parent does not lend money.
If you go down the nursery route, the fee's are paid proportionally by each wage earner. Same with groceries, bills, holidays etc.
Which century is your DH from?

Also, even if the nursery day is longer, the child won’t be strapped in a car seat for nearly an hour and a half.

Against that, if urgent collection is needed, do you want to be 40 minutes away?

Do not give up your job , there are so many red flags here . Before you became a SAHM you need to have joint and equal access to all money coming in . Your child’s costs be it nursery , clothing or food are an expense to be shared .