What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

It is about choice. But some people do see the time as precious - especially in those early years when they are learning about the world. What’s the quote about giving me a boy till he’s 7 and I’ll show you the man… It’s a natural instinct to want to pass on your accumulated wisdom to your child, to awaken them to things that you have identified as meaningful and to ensure your child has certain values instilled in those very formative years . And, I suppose, to know they are safe, because ultimately we take huge leaps of faith entrusting children to the care of others and that is a bigger leap of faith in the years before they can easily report back or even discern if something is off. Some people will see this as more important than luxury items or a newer car - and that’s valid personal choice too.

I realise there is a strong argument that it is chauvinistic for a man to want his wife/ partner to step back and raise the child; but viewed through this lens it’s also a huge compliment. Of course he could always do it himself … But I don’t see it in the black and white oppressively and exclusively chauvinistic terns some people seem to.

DH and i both did a 4 day week and had different days off and one day grandparents. That way we only paid for 2 days of nursery which DD and DS enjoyed and DG's also liked that day. Don't be a SAHM you will get bored. Having that one full day with DC in the week on my own was so special as could plan things and have quality time. If DG were not an option then we would have gone for 3 days at nursery. It's much harder to pick up a career after a 4 year break and also I would want to be financially independent.

"My husband has never wanted our child to go to nursery"

Then why isn't he quitting his effing job. Fuck this! Do not give up your job OP and if he isn't prepared to reduce his hours to provide 50% of care whilst you work he's going bloody halves on the nursery bill!

You should have a joint account. Baby is equally your DHs child! He needs someone to look after her in order for him to work which you do. You staying at home with her enables him to go and work however long he wants, you are an integral part of the household being able to bring in money so should have equal access to it. He shouldn’t be ‘letting’ you have a credit card or lending you money or whatever.

Equally if you are both at work one day then you both have an equal responsibility of finding somewhere to care for your SHARED child in order for BOTH of you to be able to go to your workplace. If he doesn’t believe she should be in nursery then he should stay at home on your work days. Until then he is equally responsible for the fees.

I think in this scenario you have nothing to lose by trying 3 days at work and actually seeing how it goes. It will help you make a more permanent decision

Childcare comes out of total joint wages
If he does not want nursery is he proposing cutting his hours to do one day per week at home? Or getting home to pick up child from nursery early? Is he funding your pension? Why does he talk about giving you his credit card and lending money to you instead of joint account access?

Oh enough with the misogyny.

Five days a week is a normal working pattern for the vast majority of men. Don’t see anyone banging on about dads ‘palming them off for the majority of their waking hours’ so that they can keep their ‘fancy jobs’.

So sick to death of the judgement of women.

You’re worried about the state of your relationship. You don’t talk as someone who has the full trust of her husband or who trusts her husband fully. Your finances aren’t shared even though your baby is. Your husband doesn’t like nursery but won’t take time off his work. You feel guilt about him paying for childcare but not about putting a 1yo in nursery for 3 ten hour days. You rent but think an extra £350/mo isn’t worth it.

As a long time SAHM: keep the job. Your foundations aren’t strong enough for you to stop working.

She didn’t actually say it had to be the mum. I know two families where the dad took the time out of his career for exactly the reason the poster identified .

Well if your husband doesn't want your child to go to nursery, is he willing to be a SAHD? Somehow I doubt it! Who is going to pay this credit card that "he would give" you? And "lending" you money?

Of course it's not 'on you' to pay the childcare fees! It's a joint expense. Childcare enables both of you to work not just you! I'll be honest, I am not liking the vibe I am getting off him.

Run back to work! For your own independence, for your own self-worth, to not lose your career, to always be able to support yourself if your relationship goes belly up, and to pay into your pension, because believe me, the years fly by and one day you will be glad. I know I am.

Plus it's only three days a week!! You get to be with your child the other 4!

Well she said "you", referring to me, with no mention of my DH doing the same. Like most posters on here I'm a woman. I did find it misogynistic, as is much of the conversation around childcare.

What a load of horseshit. The 1950s are calling you back!!

"Palming them off", my arse!

I took it as “ one” ( as in parents); but perhaps she was meaning you.

I’m pro parental care, but I don’t think the gender of the sahp matters.

Go back to work. It's your career, your Independence and your pension. Never be reliant on a man (or women). You also used the word 'lending' which concerned me. Your baby will be fine in nursery, loads are.

Agreed. I'm a SAHM of two years (twins too expensive for childcare vs work). It feels very infantilising, and I wouldn't want to do it if my husband was treating money like the OP's. He's earning the money for both of you, but it belongs equally to both of you. Likewise childcare is a joint expense. There's no borrowing for coffee with friends if you're a SAHM, that comes out of family money or your allocated spending money. Not borrowed though, that's wild.

I, I, I.... What about what is best for your baby????

It’s unfortunate that sahd even sounds sad! 🤣

"Fancy job", singular. She meant me. They always do.

I don’t.

I genuinely think dads can be great sahps.

I would have done anything to stay at home with DS until he started school but I had to go to work as I was a single mum with a mortgage which wasnt covered by benefits. I have regretted it all my life. Im 62 now. They are little for such a very short time.
I had a wonderful childminder who was a lovely woman and he was happy there but I missed him so much.

Sure, they absolutely can. My DH would have made a better job of it than me when they were babies.

But these conversations are always, always about the mother as a five second glance at society will tell you. It's wide eyed, faux naivety to say otherwise.

Agree with @VivaVivaa

id look at a Childminder and I’d be going back 5 days and splitting the cost 50/50 with your red flag of a husband

There are so many factors to consider and everyone’s situation is so different. Personally I decided to SAH and I think it was 100% the best decision for me and my child, I have absolutely no regrets. Now that they are older I’m going back into my career part time during school hours and am SO glad I had that time with them. However, my husband is extremely supportive and I’ve never had any concerns about our relationship or money etc. I do think you need to communicate really well around these areas.

I'd say the opposite. I would think your child would be happier spending those 80 minutes a day in nursery to being strapped into a seat in your car. Also, if it's nearer home and there's ever a day you need to do something, you can always pop the child in to nursery while you're busy.

Mine did 11/(sometimes 12) hrs which tbh was a bit long as they were hyper/shattered by the end of it, I'm a SAHP for now. but in your case it's only 3 days a week which will likely be fine i think.

If DH is not on the same page as all money being shared you should definitely go back, he has to be comfortable that you can decide how family money is spent.