What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

It's worth saying that mine did a few 10 hours days at nursery per week from age 7-8 months. They're now 11 and 13, thriving lots of friends and very sociable. They are very well attached to me and to my ex husband.
I actually found that they and many other kids who had done nursery were ahead of their reception classmates at the time because of their social skills.
When ex H left it was a massive relief to be able to just increase my work commitments, and just slot in. It meant the difference between being able to keep the family home or not.
You don't know what is round the corner. I'll tell my daughter to always keep her career. Just in case.

It’s not really selfish. I am definitely a better mum for working PT. I’d really struggle being socially isolated by not working.

I would want to stay at home. If some conditions though you both have equal access to money and as a family you can continue to contribute to your pension. Or start a private pension for you.

We both work full time here. The max length of day our toddlers do is 9 hours. It’s a very long day for them and are very tired and cranky in the evenings. I am actually changing my hours to start even earlier so I can collect them sooner instead of being stuck in traffic every evening.
My husband starts later then me so drops off and I finish earlier so I collect.

I would love to cut back on one day a week but unfortunately my sector aren’t very accommodating of part time work.

Nursery can be brilliant OP, if you find a good one. Do you have it sorted yet?

We have no family nearby, so nursery has been our village through the early years. All four of us have made friends with the children, parents and staff.

My eldest is still at school with kids she's known since the baby room. She can be a bit tentative and neither DH nor I are the most socially confident people - but she is actually very socially confident and makes me so proud. She's gone to summer camps this summer without knowing anyone and bounded in and bounded out, all smiles. I'm convinced she wouldn't be anywhere near as socially confident if she hadn't been mixing with others from such a young age.

It's been wholly positive for us.

I love being a Mum but there's no way I'd financially rely on my husband.

My son went to a childminder 3 days a week for 10 hours a day since aged 1. He loves it. Happily goes in and learns so much whilst having fun.

The childcare costs will not be solely your responsibility. How else do you split bills? If 50/50 then that should be the same for childcare. Plus you should be eligible to some free hours. And you have 20% back using childcare account too.

This is an awful comment! I think there is a value in showing kids that both parents work, and I feel like me and my son get plenty of quality time together. So judgy.

Yes. Women are selfish for working. Men are amazing providers for their families. 🙄

What a load of nonsense!

Exactly. The double standards are amazing.

Men are heroes for providing for their families
Women are materialistic and only work for fancy cars and holidays

This poster has a lot of form for very judgemental posts if you take a look.
(Yes I probably spend too much time in my phone playing around in mumsnet, searching histories 🤣)

If you stop working as he wants, the he needs to pay the comparable amount into your pension, as well as access to funds for anything you need. Giving you a card, lending you money.......fuck that. Why doesn't he compress and change his hours if not using childcare is so important. Because he expects you to. Nope to the nope. If working is what you want to do, then he can make the sacrifices to not have your child in nursery if it's so important to him.

You should have more than £350 a month because surely dh will pay half the childcare costs?

Or she will have less than £350 a month if she pays half of the other household costs? (not sure why it would be 50/50 if OP only works part time anyway)

Quite, I nearly put surely he’d be paying at least half.

when my Dd was young and I worked part time dh paid everything. All the bills, the mortgage, childcare, everything. I spent my wages on food (back when a weekly shop was £40) and stuff like clothes for me and dd. We probably had a very similar amount of disposable income which seems the fairest way.

Tell me that you've never feared financial abuse without telling me that you've never feared financial abuse

Mothers don't work for holidays and haircuts. They work so that if the child's father turns out to be more frog than prince, they have their own money and hence financial independence.

Mothers don't work for holidays and haircuts. They work so that if the child's father turns out to be more frog than prince, they have their own money and hence financial independence.
^THIS^^

Yes. Women are selfish for working. Men are amazing providers for their families. 🙄

What a load of nonsense!

This!

Nobody ever questioned my husband when he went back to work full time when we had DS.
But apparently it was 'awful' that I did. 🙄

My fancy job provides for our family just as much as my husband's does.

My husband was an utter hero for taking a month's shared parental leave when I went back to work. A whole month! Is his boss ok with that? Won't he be bored?

Nine months was fine for me, obviously.