What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

And if you retain your career you're more likely to be able to work flexibly when you get to this stage, which is invaluable.

OP remaining in work has been nothing but positive for me. My children have also loved nursery - which is somewhat luck, both in terms of their personalities and the quality of the nursery. But it's been brilliant for us, and for our DDs.

In a lot of careers it's really not that easy to give up work for a few years and then pick up your career again.

And if you did have a reasonably well paid job before children, it's also difficult to get a lower paid job, as you will be considered as someone who won't stick about.

I also think as a person who could afford to send their DC to nursery when they didn't even need it for childcare purposes, you're not really in the same position as OP. I doubt very much that she is spending money on anything that is easy to cut.

I would go for a nanny share in your position.

Yep. Your children need you life long.

I was a SAHM for...about three months.

I was bored out of my mind and very unexpectedly DH got a bit weird about money.

I skipped off back to work three days a week and DD went to a lovely childminder 7am-5pm on those days.

Perfect balance for everyone.

I chose to work 3dpw with DC being in nursery for nearly 10 hour days. I did it because:

• Being FT SAHP wouldn't have suited me (maternity leave showed me that) but I still had 4dpw with DC.
• I wouldn't be at a disadvantage in terms of career when I did want to go back to work eg when they started school - in my field things would have moved on a lot in five years.
• It's usually easier to get a PT or flexible job in place you're already working than to have to find one later.
• DH didn't want to be SAHP parent or go PT, and I didn't like the idea of him earning and me doing all childcare, ie I wanted it more equal with us both earning and both having to do some childcare and housework. (As a positive side effect, I also think that was a good message to DC about gender equality.)

It worked out for me and I think DC had a good balance. DH and I shared the pick-ups and drop-offs - with him doing more on theory that I had more time with DC on my non-work days and he had more work days to make up the time if needed. And despite mine now being teens, I've carried on working 3dpw, as it means I can get most of the housework/life admin done on my days off (plus some voluntary work) - and DH eventually reduced to 4dpw too so we even sometimes have some child-free time together!

I'm curious though that you say that DH "has never wanted our child to go to nursery". In that case, why doesn't he become a SAHP or go part-time? And did you not discuss and agree the plan before getting pregnant (recognising that minds might change once DC arrives)? If he's not willing to give up work to look after DC then he has to share equally in childcare fees - though in my view when you have kids and agree to have unequal splits of work/childcare then a joint account has to be the way to go.

Mine both did five nine hour days from about ten months and it's worked well for us, so I think three ten hour days is fine.

Seriously can't see the point of having a child if you're literally palming them off for the majority of their waking hours. But hey, so long as you kept your fancy job!

These are the two things that jumped out at me too.
"lend" "give me a credit card" - who made him in charge of family money ??
As for the concept of you paying for childcare ??? How does it even come into your minds that all the expense of having a child together isn't a joint responsibility ?

Even without those two things being in what you wrote, I would 100% recommend you go back to work. You have 40(?) ish years of work ahead of you. Years of earnings. Years of paying into your pension. Years of stimulation and challenge. Don't lose all that for 3 days a week extra of looking after your baby for 3 years. You will already be with them for 4 days a week. You won't 'miss out'.

I 100% would return to work.

I went back to work but dropped to 3 days - facilitated by a new higher paid role. I had previously been in abusive relationships so for me it’s so important to keep my independence including financially.

It’s good for your own well being to be at work- because as you’ve rightly said being a mum can be lonely and it will give you some adult time as well as paying into your pension and keeping your career which will make it easier come school time.

little one will be fine. You have 4 other days in which to do things with them ( I know I get to Do lots with mine!)

I also feel rather uncomfortable with you not only having to ask for money for things such as a coffee with friends but also him “lending” it to you and the childcare coming out of your salary. He should be paying half from his at least

Came here to say exactly this!

Sorry! Sahm! My phone wants to say sham - which is unfortunate!

No no no.

He doesn't want them going to nursery? He can pay the fees or he can reduce his hours at work.

You're having the will pulled over your eyes here but you're probably thinking it's a great deal because you don't have to work!

In reality, you will have to work again and all you're going to do is stall years of experience, promotions, bonuses and PENSION contributions.

Keep your job. Put them the nursery.

Said no one to a man ever.

I could say I seriously don't see the point in getting an education only to stay home, but I wouldn't because I acknowledge that not everyone sees things the way I do.

DH and I earn equally and both made the choice to return to work. It worked for us, and has worked for our children. I worked hard for my career, and career changed to a lower paid but more flexible and fulfilling job before having children. I went through five years of university, and then a further eight years of professional exams. I wasn't going to choose to give that up.

For many parents it isn't a choice, and two incomes are needed to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads. Do you think couples that can't afford to have DC on one salary should remain childless?

I also think you need to request part time and see if there's a middle ground.

If I didn't have to work there's no way I would send to nursery. Four years you get before they start school. It's gone in a blink and never comes back. I would make the most of that precious time.

Because them going to nursery is short term. Having a job provides security, luxury items if you wish/holidays/newer car whatever are the needs and wants of a family, for life.

Also, working you are contributing to society by paying tax and securing funding for retirement..
So let's not patronise people for personal choice, hey?

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but what a hurtful, judgy comment. I hope you feel good about yourself and every choice you have ever made.

Thanks @Mitsky . Fortunately I do feel good about this particular choice I made, but this sort of judgement makes life harder for so many women.

Mine go 5 days a week, full time. 3 days is absolutely fine.

There’s no way I’d give up my career or my independence. Think of the long term, not just the short term because the expensive nursery years don’t last for long and you also have to think about your pension, potential earning losses etc.

THIS x 100000

I can’t believe you have typed that out and don’t see how F’d up that is.

This attitude towards money doesn’t work.

Your DH wants the baby to stay home
(I note he isn’t volunteering to give up his career and pension contributions to be a SAHD but we will park that with a red flag 🚩for now). Say you feel going to work IS what you want to do. Why is his preference the baseline? As in, why aren’t you sticking to whatever financial agreement you have in place now (proportionally if you reduce your working days), and bearing the cost of nursery fees equally? Why do you have to stump up for it as if you’re going against his wishes (naughty girl!).

That aside, the nursery/career question is personal choice. I would have become extremely depressed if I had to be a SAHM, it’s just not how I’m wired. My DC adores nursery and his development has skyrocketed a since going at age 1 (4 x 10 hour days a week!).

ps if you reduce your working days is your DH going to pay extra into a pension for you? He should.

Seriously hope that your family isn’t in receipt of any benefits whatsoever with that appalling attitude towards the working parents that are funding them.

I have been a SAHM for years and we have 100% shared finances, money has never been an issue. I couldn't imagine being a SAHM and having to ask DH for money!

I had to put DD into nursery from 7.30am to 6.30pm 4 days a week from 6 months old, on the 5th day she was with a childminder. We couldn't afford for me not to work.. It turned out to be a very good decision as we divorced when DD was 3.

This!!