What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

I regret making myself financially dependent on a man who ultimately let me down. It has been so difficult getting back up and running again after it all fell to shit. Keep the job. X

And by the time you have a couple more, it all merges into a set of hazy recollections, and by that time you've set your career back, lost your independence and years of pension contributions!

We decided to carry on both working and going the nursery route. We both think it was the best thing all round although we were sceptical about sending the first one to nursery because we both came from sham families and both families were sowing doubts into our minds..

My wife's career has flourished. The children have benefited tremendously from being at nursery. They both exhibit strong social and leadership skills all picked up from nursery! They love and find school a breeze. It was way better than we both had anticipated and, wouldn't think twice now if we were to be put in the same position (we won't ;))

This having separate finances I just don't get... We have always just put all our money into the same account... We do both have a Monzo account each for Christmas and birthdays.. Anything big that we might want, ie, a new fishing rod, we just discuss!

Being happy, safe and cared for.

@Emerald4567, some of the things I want to say has been said a 100 times so I won’t repeat.

what I will say is you sound like you don’t trust him to not compromise your independence, and there’s a reason you feel that way, so listen to yourself. It sounds like you’re afraid of not having your own financial and career stability. Listen to that too.

If he doesn’t want the kid at nursery, he should properly support you to SAH, by sharing income with you properly. But it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that.

In your case, I think working is the right choice. 3 days is ideal. I’ve done that. My little one loves it. They’re better for it, actually.

For anyone saying ‘oh they’re not young for long’ and ‘ah, 10 hours is long’ are not in your situation. Or else they are in the same situation, and are being controlled in exchange for staying home FT.
You’ll have 4 full days with DC and the rest of the mornings and evenings. You’re not missing out on their infancy with that, it’s fine.

And you’ll also be in a position to stay on the career, demonstrate self reliance to your child and financial independence where it’s needed. Good luck.

But even more part time then that so the baby isn't their for 10hrs a day

@rosiethenplease if the comment you’re talking about is ‘unhelpful’, then so is yours. I’m a SAHM and my daughter stayed at home work me until reception, she’s very outgoing and one of the biggest personalities in class. Everyone is different and your experience (and mine) means nothing to other people really. I don’t like the thought of my children being in daycare all day, and that’s ok. Some kids love it, some hate it.

I’m not judging anyone who does differently to me nor do I think their differing opinions are ‘unhelpful’ because they’re different to me.

Sorry but the majority of us are ‘working to pay childcare costs’ my job is part of what makes me, me! If I didn’t have that, I’d be a wreck. I know it makes some people feel guilty but childcare is practical too. Your children learn to make social connections outside of their family. Learn new skills etc. lots of benefits.

I would honestly consider putting them in childcare and splitting the costs…my partner and I split everything 50/50. We both put the same amount of money into an account every month and that pays for all of our bills including my sons childcare.

good luck op

The worst part about these decisions are the build up - once you start back in work, it will be absolutely fine you’ll see.

You won’t give it a second thought.

And you won’t have to repay any ‘lent’ money.

I was a SAHM for several years, and I’m not sure I would recommend it. I loved a lot of my time with DS but massively lost my work confidence and my career took a hit that it won’t fully recover from. It’s a real mix of moments of joy mixed with a lot of boredom being at home with a little kid. 3 days work sounds like a great balance.

if you do want to stay home, only do it if you’re agreeing together how to manage the money side of things. We opened a new joint account, DH’s salary didn’t go into it but he put in a fixed amount every month to cover household and joint expenses, including food, bills & everything to do with DS. He also put a smaller set amount into my personal account very month so I could buy stuff for myself like haircuts and clothes etc without feeling guilty. if your DH wants to tell you how it’s going to work, rather than discussing and agreeing it together, I think you’d be very wise not to give up your job. And if go back to work, childcare is a shared expense, not your expense.

I was being sarcastic / derogatory towards the ops husband...calm down

@Emerald4567 , also note if you haven’t already the 15 hours free childcare and 30 hours from next year for those sub £100k. So that might free up more cash.

DD does 4 days a week in nursery, typically 8:30-5:30pm. She started at 11 months, has just turned 4 and, honestly, I’m not sure you could pick her out of a line up as a child traumatised or otherwise affected by long hours in childcare.

I’d have been a shadow of myself as a SAHP, and worse mum because of it, and having a shouty, angry parent with zero patience for 3 years really didn’t seem like a good trade off for DD.

I had a similar situation OP, my DP was a high earner so I had a choice. I chose to work (3 days/week) for a number of reasons:

• social interaction through work, kept me happy and sane
• a degree of financial independence and security (we weren’t married)
• a balance to our relationship
• continuation of my career, I’d seen friends struggle with employability again after career breaks

There were times when I questioned my choice, times when the money didn’t seem worth it, when I missed my child. But it made me more patient and happier on the days I was at home, allowing me to enjoy my days ‘off’. My LO grew up happy with lovely bonds with friends and staff at the nursery.

BTW we set up a joint account, both paying a certain amount each month, proportionate to what we could afford) paying household and childcare out of the ‘pot’, leaving us with some separate and some combined finances.

This worked for us, but there isno right or wrong decision!

I don't work and mum all day, it's pretty full on!

My husband and I discussed what we'd do and decided we'd prefer one parent at home. I wanted to be the one but he would have and when it's all been too much we have discussed swapping.

It's doable because he shares money, all money is family money and then we both get paid the same amount each for individual spending we don't discuss with each other. His seems to mostly go on random eBay things, mine mostly goes on new clothes!

If you feel like by being the one 'at home' (there is a lot of going out), you'll be in a sad power dynamic or lose respect or financial independence then I don't think you should do it. Some men are not team players I guess. Have a good think about your work options. I have some friends who work part-time or collapsed hours so still get full pay for 4 days work. One of my friends has just got a 100% work from home job. Another works from home in school hours so she can do drop off and pick up. At my child's school there are a lot of dads who work from home a few days a week and do the school run! I love it and I love that the kids at school see it as normal!

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your little one won't have to do 10 hour days too long. Don't be afraid of nursery though, once my eldest went at 3 I felt so wonderfully supported by them, it was amazing x

Same here.

@AliMonkey being a SAHM is good AS LONG as you have a husband who openly sees the income as family income. There is no "lending" you money, there is no you paying all of the childcare costs when you are BOTH parents.

If your husband is the type to not see you as equal and to not be open with household income, and leave you saddled with all of the childcare costs, then you should be rethinking the marriage.

And he should really be paying into a private pension for you too, whilst you're not working, or topping up your pension whilst you work full time to raise your JOINT CHILD.

I think your little one will be fine in nursery.

I have two, and they do the same hours.
They started when the older one was 2.5 and the younger was 11 months. They do 8-6.30, three days a week; so slightly longer hours. But they've honestly loved it! They have learnt so much, have great interpersonal skills and have so much to talk about each evening.

We spend our days off together doing activities , going out and have quality time together as I'm not exhausted from a week of childcare.

It also gives me independence to go out and talk to adults, keep up my career and pension and feel like my own person while I'm at work- which ultimately makes me happier and therefore a better mum to my kids.

The fact he is saying he will lend you money and you give up your job and all independence and more importantly financial options means you should definitely not do that. In addition if you stay working for 3 days you pay 50% of the nursery fees and he pays the other 50%. It is not on you to pay for it all .

I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years and it’s worked brilliantly for us. My husband and I have joint accounts and he doesn’t monitor my spending at all and I in turn stick to my own budget as I would in any other situation. I have loved being at home with my babies and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Now they’re older and I’m about to return to my career - at a similar level to where I was when I left, which is around where I would have wanted to be anyway.

I don’t know if you should become a SAHM or not - only you can decide that and it depends hugely on your circumstances. I’m certainly not telling you to do it, just sharing my experience. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Stay at home, until school nursery.

OK I am responding without RTFT......I got as far as "ok with lending me money"

NO NO NO.

Go back to work.

If he thinks that supporting the family while another parent is caring full time includes building up a "tab" then you shouldnt do it.

And you both working means you both pay the childcare bill. If he wont then fine, but you bill him in 15 minute increments for the 2 days you wont be working for the childcare you will be providing so HE can work.

Just to add, if you do three days a week at nursery and do two days of childcare yourself. He should pay for 2.5 days of nursery and you pay for half a day so you'll have more disposable money than you think x

This thread is one of these things people who do have to send their child to nursery for 10 hour days, just shouldn’t read. Some people have no choice and they do what they have to do.

You’re in the fortunate position that you can afford not to work for the time being, so I’d say it’s a no brainer. Children are only little for a very very short time. By 5 they’re at school all day. When my first baby was born 5 felt like such a long way away. Suddenly we’re at 3 and it feels like the seconds are ticking away until he’ll have started school. People overuse the whole ‘you can’t get that time back’ phrase but you literally can’t. It’s gone! If your child is 1 already you’ve maybe only got 3 and a bit years until they’ll be off. There are other things you could do for a little bit of money here and there and there are flexible online jobs or bank shifts where you could work odd weekends. I know it’s not ideal but it would give you a bit of your ‘own’ money, majorly save on childcare and you could relax knowing your partner has your child while you work.

Work, definitely.

I do 30hrs over 4 days with DD doing 10 hour nursery days from 13 months. It’s been absolutely great, no regrets here.

It’s only expensive for a little while, the pension and career maintenance was vital for me and us as a family.

I would never be financially dependent. Not a chance.

Did you read beyond the title? The OP doesn't trust her "D"H to properly financially support her to stay at home. That's why she's agonising over her decision, that she might end up financially abused, not because she's a single parent or any of the other non-abuse reasons that mothers have to work.

This thread should really be in Relationships.