What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

My husband has never wanted our child to go to nursery and so I feel it would be on me to pay the child care fees

So he'll be stepping up and doing childcare himself then? Perhaps he can quit his job and become a SAHD?

I would strongly recommend you work part time if you can. I think there are benefits of children going to nursery and it allows you to have something other than being a mum. Also you are keeping some financial independence.

I feel like I haven't portrayed DH very well I'm my post and that's actually more my words/insecurity coming out when I referenced lending money. I have just always had an insecurity about being reliant on someone else. DH has said that I would have a credit card so I wouldn't have to keep asking for money.

If your DH doesn't want your child to go to nursery why does that make childcare entirely your responsibility? He's obviously not planning to give up any of his career, pension, social contacts or sense of self-worth to provide or organise looking after his child. I also think you should have a joint account, whether you are working or not, with agreed amounts paid in each month and agreed expenses coming out.

@Curlewwoohoo @FLOWER1982 oh gosh I didn't even think about this, but you are right. The difficult is that none of the nurseries where I live open before 8am and then as well as asking to reduce days I would be asking to reduce my working day which I don't think my work would agree to.

I mean this kindly. I think your focus isn't on the right issues.

You and your husband should be a team when it comes to your child. I would start with discussing the best options for you all as a family. You should be able to have fair and balanced discussions and agreements.

It shouldn't be that you have the pay all of the childcare if you wish to work. Or, that your husband will lend you money (will you have to pay it back?) or get you a credit card if you don't work.

What did you discuss and agree before starting a family? Has it changed?

In answer to the SAHM question, I stopped working when we had our child. I will start again part time when he starts primary school. My husband and I share everything, money and decisions. I have a solid 20 year career behind me and am looking to rebuild that slowly, part time, while my child is at primary. We chose to only have 1 child for financial reasons mainly. He now attends pre school for part of the week as it benefitted him from age 3 but I wanted to be at home with him while he was a baby. It was right for us, although tough financially and mentally at times for me, I wouldn't change it if I could go back.

A monthly deposit into an account in your name would be better. A credit card lets him check every penny you are spending and means you have no way of building up savings.

Also, if you do give up work, he needs to pay into a pension for you. It’s less important since you would have a claim on his if you ever divorced but it’s a sensible way of putting money aside for you anyway.

3 days is a pretty good balance. Don't forget that it's not "just" £350 a month - it's your pension contributions too plus you will be spending less with your child those days than if you are at home and wanting to go out.

My personal view is that you should give it a good go and see what you think. Unless you do something where it is genuinely easy to slot back in, waiting til your baby starts school - especially if you have more than one child - is a long time away from work.

In many ways, it's much easier to work when you have children in nursery than when they are at school. Nursery will be more expensive than school but logistically a whole lot easier.

Toddlers suck, go to work. (Can you tell I've had a hard day)
3 days a week is a great nursery balance.
Many nurseries are open 7.30 to 6pm so they could be in longer.

Have you considered a childminder?

Ultimately do what makes you happiest.

My personal experience though is yes to work. Keep your income, skillset and sense of identity.

10 hours a 3 days a week is not colossal.

My DD is in nursery for just shy of those hours. We would have had to drastically change our lifestyle for me to stay at home, and that wasn't something we wanted to do, for her as much as us. She started just before her first birthday.

It is really hard, I'm not going to lie to you about that. I feel the guilt, especially on those days where she is clingy on drop off or I have a rubbish day at work.

But.

The positives, for us, far outweigh the guilt.

1. She loves nursery. Has a fantastic day 99% of the time.
2. It gives her so much that I couldn't, and she's come on leaps and bounds since starting.
3. I feel like myself again, going to work three days a week. I lost myself a little on maternity leave, but didn't really notice it til I went back.
4. I have financial independence. And even if there's not much left in the pot after childcare fees (our over all pot), knowing I could support us both on my own if needs be is such a good thing to have in the back of my mind.
5. It sets her a good example that Mummy has a job she enjoys and excels at, as well as being Mummy.
6. Keeps my hand in and my pension topped up. Great for the future.

But it's not only on you to pay for childcare. Bills need to be distributed evenly/equally between you (however that works for your set up). As does drop offs and pick ups. It is not you paying to go to work. It is your family requiring childcare so that you all have a life that works for you.

I have one of these days and one of the "ugh why am I here, I'd much rather be a SAHM" work days at least once a fortnight each!

“lending me money (as he says)” - this is an enormous red flag for me. If you are a SAHM, you need to have full and equal access to family income. And from that, contributions to your pension. And why would you be paying all the childcare? It should be split with your husband. From what you say - no I would not be a SAHM in your shoes.

I absolutely would not give up my job to rely on a man who was prepared to “lend” me money to do things with the baby. A credit card is not good enough either - you need a joint account.

If you do work and you’re worried about the nursery days being too long, what is your husband’s work set up? Could he do drop off a bit later then start work, then you could finish earlier than him and do pick up? You’re both raising this child, they’re not entirely your responsibility just because he earns more.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. So your DH doesn't want your child to go to nursery - but still wants to be able to work? If so, he either needs to give you full access to family finances if you decide to be a SAHM (ie one joint account he gets paid into and you both have access to) or he needs to pay for childcare (split equally between you).

In terms of nursery, 3 days is nothing - your baby will benefit massively from it and will still benefit from more than half the week with you/DH. I think it's a good balance and allows you to keep your career. I was bored by the end of mat leave and was ready to go back to work, being a SAHM is really hard work and I really felt like I was getting some of "me" back. I did 3 days a week and it was definitely fine for both me and baby. I love having my own money / financial security and, if you're in any way worried about relationship stability I'd stay in work to be on the safe side anyway. It'll be good for your pension etc too for the future.

My daughter has been doing 4 full days for over a year and she never wants to come home, she loves nursery! Other perks include if you're poorly, you still get to take the day off work and rest and kids still go to nursery. You can take annual leave and have a day to yourself when you need it. We don't have much other family help so nursery is a godsend at times.

For me personally I don't have the patience or the domestic godessness to be a SAHM and I'd be bored and rubbish at it, so even if we had the finances to do it I'd still want to work at the very least part time.

As I earn less because I'm part time post kids, DH and I both pay a proportion of our wages into the joint account (he pays more) to reflect the unpaid work I do in childcare and also savings on paid childcare I provide for us on my days "off". I also provide my DH with uninterrupted career progression and he has more earning potential because I am able to stay home while he works away for his job, so again this is also reflected in the monetary proportions we contribute.

What I would say is that of the parents I know, they've all done different things and all the children are fine. So do what you really want to do (you, plural; your husband definitely has a voice too, and if he wants to be part time for a while alongside you, that could work brilliantly - working 3 days a week each, 1 day in nursery?)

What I did, for what it's worth, is get a more part-time job nearer home as soon as I could. I worked 4 mornings a week, about 15 minutes walk away. After 2 years, with ds in preschool, I retrained with full time study but got school vacations off.

Keep the job 100%. You DONT have yo pay all childcare. It should be a shared expense proportionate to your incomes.

Think of your career progression, independence, benefits and pension!

Don’t ever leave work!

A credit card is not sufficient, it shouts of control on his part, and wanting to review your spending. You need a joint account with all income together and both use it as you need to. Obviously with agreed budgets if you need to.

Good lord do not make yourself dependent on this man.

He's denying you full access to funds

He doesn't see childcare as his responsibility

He's making no effort to support you returning to work

He's using the word 'lending'

He sees you as free childcare. He isn't doing his share AT ALL.

You must return to work, ideally four days and he drops a day to make childcare a shared responsibility

And send him a bill each month for half the nursery fees

DO NOT LIE DOWN AND TAKE THIS SEXIST RUBBISH

I’m a total advocate for SAHP, whether mum or dad. Your DH saying he doesn’t want child in nursery is all well and good but he doesn’t seem to be considering he could also drop hours at work so you could share the parenting to avoid nursery?

You've framed the question in the wrong way.

your choice is between being a SAHM and spending all your time with your child

and

going to work for 3 days a week; retaining financial independence and maintaining a career, and having 2 days at home with your child

I agree with other posters - you need your husband on board and supporting you; not leaving you to do most of the child related things. so, for example, that might be him doing all the drop offs while you do pick ups.

I’m going back part time in September after 14 months off with my little one. Honestly, I’m really ready for it. I enjoy my job and worked hard for my career. I know it’s going to make me a better mum. There have been days on maternity leave I’ve found incredibly lonely, repetitive and difficult. But I know part time hours will allow me to have quality time with my little boy and give me some normality! I’m so excited for that peaceful cup of tea 😂 and equally as excited to pick him up!

DD went to nursery for 5 days a week, 9 - 10 hours each day from when she was just over 4 months old. We split all costs & childcare equally as she had 2 working parents earning on a par with each other. We always checked who had the most important day or week if she was poorly. We probably compromised a little on commutes etc.

The outcome? Relatively normal young adult DD. Strong role models in both parents. My pension & career didn't suffer. We have a very comfortable life and never had to worry financially.

I couldn't work long days 12+ days a month to be left with £350.

Why don't you look for a Saturday job where you can bring home a similar amount and your partner can look after baby so no childcare costs. (A Sunday, a couple of evenings, one night that runs into the weekend all other possibilities).

I agree there should be no "lending" you need family money and a family budget.