What would you do? Stay at home mum or 10 hour nursery days

[Emerald4567]

I am feeling very indecisive about child care for my baby. As a new mum it would be useful to hear thoughts of mums who have already been through it as it may give me some more perspective.

The decision is whether I quit work to become a stay at home mum or send my baby to nursery for 10 hour sessions three days a week.

I am in a fortunate position where my Husband feels able to support us without me working. A part of me wants to be home all the time with our baby, but I do have concerns. Will I feel like I'm losing my independence, will I feel isolated, will I feel like I'm sacrificing my career, will my Husband be as chilled about lending me money (as he says) to do things with our baby or meet a friend for a coffee. I have felt quite lonely at times during maternity leave, but I do think maybe I should be taking this time while I have the opportunity as they are only little once.

If I send our baby to nursery three days per week and work on those days I will only have £350 spare once I pay childcare fees. Although this doesn't sound much it would give me some independence, but it also feels like I'm basically working to pay someone else to look after our child. I am concerned that the days (7:30am- 5:00pm) are so long for a one year old, I know I would feel so guilty taking him to nursery and don't want to miss out on special moments with him.

The other concern I have on top of this is the stability of my relationship and so I wonder whether it is a good idea to give up my job just in case.

Also I haven't yet asked whether my work will allow me to go part time, but I really want to make a decision on the above before I open that conversation.

Any words of wisdom from mums who have had to make this decision would be really helpful!

This. These two bits is what jumped out at me too. Massive red flags so in your case no because your husband’s attitude to money etc. just seems off.

Is there a sort of middle ground of part time/alternative work?

My sister was going to end up with similar amount of money left over when they factored in nursery (plus her previous job had very unreliable finishes) so instead got a retail job where she does a 10 shift on a weekend day (12-10pm) and her dp can look after their dc and then one evening a week 5-10 where they do a 'handover' in the car park.

She says that she still feels like a sahm but takes home £600 a month with nothing to spend on childcare. Would anything like that be an option?

Is there a reason that your husband can’t do any of the pickups or drop-offs or take any of the responsibility? I agree with many posters here, he says he doesn’t like nurseries, well, this is his problem to resolve too. SAHM here and we have joint finances, a credit card would be an issue for me. So he can review your spending and then pay it off as if you work for him? He def shouldn’t be ‘loaning’ you money for a coffee- if you give up your career and look after his children full time he owes you more than a coffee..

That's still an overall £350 into the family pot every month. Childcare fees will reduce once baby is 3, and then again when at school. Meanwhile, OP gets to keep her hand in a career that may not lend itself to being a "Saturday job" and retains her financial independence and a sense of self.

It's not all about the money.

Can you both do compressed hours? That's what DH and I do, so DC are in nursery far less but we still work full time.

Return to work. Your relationship does not sound healthy and I would not be wanting to give up my independence particularly financially in that situation. Equally - you being left with £350. Where is your partner in this and why is the childcare cost not being split proportionate to your earnings? Alright for some reaping the benefits of being able to earn their money (that it sounds like he will be more than happy to keep at all costs) but not have to pay childcare 🤨

In your position and everything you’ve said. Absolutely no way. Your husband is a walking red flag 🚩 and it’s your gut which is telling you that this isn’t the right option for you.

if your husband doesn’t want to use a nursery then he can stay at home. If not then he pays half the cost.

Have you heard of Erica Komisar? She is a paediatric clinician who has done a lot of research into the longterm effects of nursery on young children 0-3 years old. If you would like a scientific research based answer I'd definitely recommend checking her out. She's done quite a few interviews on YouTube. It was quite the eye opener to me. Best of luck with your choice OP, it's hard being a mum.

What industry do you work in? Is it something you could re-enter in a year or two or would you lose your career?

Its a personal decision that only you can make, however I just wanted to say my son went to nursery 9 hours a day for 4 days a week. Many more parents did the same , some even slightly longer.

It's a long day, but you you know what, my son absolutely adored nursery and had so much fun there. He still talks about his nursery days now.

They aren’t unhelpful; they are someone else’s perspective.

It is perfectly possible for children to socialise and be stimulated ( and yes, even try new foods!) as part of a sham arrangement.The way your mother operated things sounds unusual to be honest.

There is no right answer or a one size fits all. You have to do what is right for you and your family.

I have friends who have done both - I have friends who it would have simply broke their hearts to send their little ones to nursery so young (myself included), have a couple of friends who would prefer not to need to work full time, have some who work part time and have some that loved working and couldn't think of anything worse than being with their baby all day - so depends on what works for you as a person.

You do need to make sure your DH is fully on board and he does see the value in being a SAHP - if he doesn't, you need to be careful he doesn't start to resent you.

You need access to money, all family money. A pension to be continued to be paid for you.

You should feel no guilt about going back to work if that is what you feel will make you happiest, and best for your family.

You will have 4 days at home with your little one to spend lots of time with them.

Being a SAHP does not mean you "stay at home" we had a great social life and it didn't always have to cost a lot. We met a good little few friends and we would do days out and catch ups and it was lovely. I loved my time as a SAHP and would not have traded it for the world, So again, it depends on your situation and what you like as a person.

Being a SAHP doesn't mean you "loose yourself" unless all you talk about is work, and work is all you have. I made sure I still saw my friends as I normally would, I kept up my hobbies and other things I would normally talk about with my friends.

Ultimately, certain people will tell you their way is best etc etc it's nonsense, no-one knows your own situation, but it's good that you are aware of the risks of both choices. Providing it's an informed decision, that you are happy with, do it.

I had a choice. I chose to stay home. I'm still at home as my second is 18 months. He'll go into nursery at 2 years old for 3 mornings a week to get him used to being in a childcare setting (same small place as my first) and it'll stay that way for 2 years. It worked well with my first. And I love being the one who is mostly with them until 4 years old. It can be hard sometimes of course. I find the lack of time to myself difficult. But it's a lot less stressful than if I were back at work.

Speaking only for me and my family. At the end of the day, there's no wrong answer. Just do whatever suits you as a family.

I think you should go back to work - largely because you seem to have a lot of internalised misogyny that will lead to you narrowing your own life even if your DH has a very non-sexist view of your roles (which he doesn’t seem to).

There’s the whole issue about your use of him “lending” you money - you say this is down to how you see it. Your DH has said he’d give you a credit card, but this isn’t the same as having fair access to money. It gives him full visibility into everything you spend, makes it difficult for you to access cash, allows him to cease your ability to spend at any point and completely hides his spending and your family finances from you. And none of this seems to have even occurred to you. You’re focused on the idea that you wouldn’t be adding anything to the family finances and not that you would be enabling DH to work and that you should be a partnership in this.

You also look at nursery costs as your responsibility because DH “doesn’t want your DC to go to nursery”. But he isn’t proposing to give up work to look after the child, you are. You and he both seem to see the DC as primarily your responsibility with all the costs primarily down to you with DH picking up the pieces where he has to. Virtually no change to DH’s life, but you doing all the working around and taking the hit for that - financially, especially long term, and, I’ll bet, socially, too.

He is just as responsible for enabling you to work as you are for enabling him. And you are just as responsible for ensuring DC has all the things they require (like clothes, food and roof over their head) as DH.

Go back to work full time, look for career advancement. Put pressure on your DH to alter his working week so he covers half the pick up and drop offs. Make him take time off to cover half of sickness and dr.s appointments, etc. If you’re going to keep separate finances, make sure he is paying his share, including childcare, in proportion to his salary.

Stop accepting less for yourself than you are trying to give to him.

In 10 years’ time you will almost certainly be better off as a family if you have both maintained careers. If you give up work to be a sahm, your DH’s career may be better, but you will most likely be stuck on minimum wage - and having to take whatever you can get. Quite possibly you will not have any idea how much he earns, you will feel guilty about spending money on yourself, but he will have plenty of money to spend on what he wants. And DC will have a a poorer relationship with him and, likely, a not great view of your role in the family.

I did 3 days a week
DC in nursery 8.30 to 4.30
Went self employed when eldest went to school which worked really well as I got to every assembly ,sports day etc
DC all seem to have survived without any scars
While i appreciate at your stage you will worry , but I honestly don’t think nursery does them any harm
Probably more important to be around for them at school, even at secondary stsge when they can need a lot of support
But all child are costs and money should be shared equally
And I would NEVEr have given up my career

Mine both did five nine hour days from about ten months and it's worked well for us, so I think three ten hour days is fine.

Your DH appears to think he can carry on with life as it was before the baby, and that you will cover all baby-related work and expense. You need to disabuse him of this notion.

If you go back to work, he needs to cover half of the pick ups, drop offs and sick days on your working days. Do not fall into the trap of thinking his job is far too important to do these things - I guarantee you his female colleagues are doing it.

If you go back to work and decide to keep separate finances, he needs to cover the nursery fees in proportion with income. Nursery allows you both to work.

All other baby-related expenses should be shared too.

Do not agree to become a SAHP without all finances in joint accounts that you have full access to.

I fear you risk sleep walking into a very bad situation here OP, beware.

I completely agree with this. So many people emphasize the preschool years when being around later on can be just as important and frankly children remember the later years more too. Also, nursery is a lot easier to arrange than wraparound and holidays during the school years.

If you're finding mat leave a bit lonely then definitely go back to work. Have you included the 15 free hours in the maths?

Full time Mum - in a heartbeat. You never ever get those early years back.

A job is just a job. If you're any good, you can always get one.

I did send my two to nursery I might add, for one or two days just to keep them mingling with other children. Rest days for me.

No regrets at all.

But I'm not the type of person who's bothered about fancy holidays, posh cars, kids wearing the latest clothes etc. I did have to cut right back on everything to do this. f

She’s an American Social Worker. Not a pediatrician.

Can you afford a part time nanny? That would be the other alternative to a nursery.

The baby at 1 would be looked after in their own home and have one to one care.

I'm sure your husband will cough up something towards it if you ask.

Erica komisar is a pop-coach peddling books and speaking tours rather than a serious academic. I wouldn't advise looking to her work for a solid evidence base on child rearing practices.

Don’t give up your career. You don’t know when you’ll need it!

Go back part time. Your future self will thank you for it x

Being a SAHM only works if both partners have a good relationship with money and free access to a joint account. You should not have to ask your husband for money. Agree and stick to a budget - you are in it together. If at all possible keep up your pension. I was a SAHM for years and they were the best years ever.

Why should she have to ask? It’s his child, it should be a given that he pays for at least half of all related costs of his family and home. More than half of he earns significantly more than OP.