Daycare say that my toddler is hard work??

[Mamalunn95]

My partner has just dropped our 19 month old daughter off at daycare which she has now attended for 11 months part time (two half days per week currently). One of the workers in the room has said to him: “I hope C is in a better mood today, she was really hard work yesterday.” Apparently she said it in a quite lighthearted way but to me this isn’t something a nursery worker should say to a parent. I find it quite hard leaving her as it is without the added anxiety that the nursery workers think she is difficult and that I am unable to control her behaviour...

When I collected her yesterday they said that she had been pushing other children and trying to take toys which she wants off them. My understanding as CACHE Level 3 Early Years Educator is that this developmentally appropriate. Although I have only seen her behave this way with her cousins when they are really in her space or snatching from her, she will push them or lash out and we respond to this without negative discipline such as time out. For example, if she becomes overwhelmed and lashes out then we will ask if she remembers how to be gentle and then show her how to be gentle again by stroking her face or our face with her hand and she responds well to this. We also are aware of potential triggers for her which make her behave in an unacceptable way. I think this is what nursery workers should be focusing on rather than telling us she is difficult. If she was a child in my class I would complete repeated observations from when she is behaving unacceptably to identify potential triggers as we know that babies do not have the intention to upset others.

Am I being unreasonable to be offended by this? Or think that it was inappropriate for the worker to make a comment like this?

I’m going to ask to see their discipline policy as I think they use timeouts for the two year old room, which is something my partner and I don’t agree with.

What’s your opinion?

I think what others are saying is that your small child’s routine involves a lot of chopping and changing and a lot of caregivers in different places. That’s a lot for a very small person.

I don’t think it’s about ‘respecting bedtimes’ or respecting naptimes, or whatever. It’s that your toddler isn’t getting the consistency she needs.

If you are both working full time she will need as much of her parents outside that time. Prioritising time with Nana over maximising her time with her parents feels like the wrong call.

That's one helluva schedule for a 19 month old.

I agree, she's doing a lot of different stuff with different people. Does she get much downtime at the weekend. I find that both mine go bonkers when with the extended family and need time with just the 4 of us to relax.

I also second the busy schedule. DS does his two mornings at nursery and then is often with GPs Saturday and Sunday as both me and DP work weekends during the summer months. By the time Monday rolls around, DP is a little bugger because he has been overstimulated all weekend. I am off with him on Monday and Tuesday and Monday mornings have to be very very quiet at the moment, as there is just no point in trying to do anything 'fun' with him because he can't tolerate it.

No judgement on that respect OP as I would rather be at home with DS to be quite honest, but needs must. I would perhaps look at the sleepover though? Is it necessary? My PILs are desperate for a sleepover but I constantly have to use the phrase - is it nice or is it best? As they want to do what's nice for them but what's nice isn't always what's best. If it is unavoidable, then it's unavoidable, but it's just an idea...

DS is a little bugger on Monday mornings, not DP.... although...

Sounds like a throwaway comment you are taking too personally? Do you never find your dc hardwork? If she is overtired at the start of the session she will struggle with the stimulation during the morning. Are you working all the time she is at gps/nursery? Maybe rethink the arrangements.

Good god, isn't life too short

My toddler is extremely hard work and pre-school tell me when he's been ratty. I understand. I have to keep him they don't

Honestly telling your DD a simple 'no' then distracting her is how I would go about stopping poor behaviour.

I've seen some horrendous behaviour from children of the gentle hands and long winded explanation methods. Working with children you should know about their attention span and how the longer the sentence the less importance it has for them.

I personally do not do time outs or naughty steps. If behaviour was that bad I would remove from situation completely.

It's easy to take things to heart OP but sometimes we get things wrong and then we find a better way to parent. I've adapted as I've learnt.

My grandson did part time at nursery, I picked him up early because at this age, he got tired and grumpy if he had to do a full day. He likes routine so it worked well. Now he is at school part time, I pick him up sometimes, but he likes to know why me not mummy. Even daddy gets quizzed if he picks him up. He really does like consistency. Perhaps your daughter is the same. He has been bitten/hit in the past at nursery and it upset him a lot. The child concerned was eventually asked to find another nursery.

A friends daughter is a child social worker with two children. She is an expert in child behavioural management. The sad thing is that her method has resulted in both her children being unmanageable, her marriage is hanging on by a thread because her OH knows nothing, her Mother can no longer care for the children because they are too much for her. I do think you have to cherry pick professional advice and mix it with a great deal of instinctive mothering geared toward your own children. It is so sad to see two lovely people heading towards the divorce courts

You know, it's all well intentioned, but I've seen this in practice. When my preschooler was lumped by her 'gentle parented' friend and instead of getting an apology of any sort from them, the parent turned to her and told her not to mind X because they were feeling bad about themselves on the inside, which is why they'd punched her. My child, to her credit, looked perplexed and then with an expression that was way beyond their years, said "Okkaay...." and we left shortly after.

It was pretty awkward trying to explain why that child didn't have to apologise.

Can't believe you are still here, pontificating.
You have made a massive mountain out of what wasn't even enough to qualify as a molehill. You are going to find her journey through school, very difficult.

I know you've taken against her, but namechange30 is right - that is a lot of different caregivers in different places, with slightly different ways of doing things, etc that your dd is having to cope with. It won't help. Some dc cope easily with it, but many don't.

I actually think the “sleepovers” are the problem, along with the approach to “discipline”. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with grandparents doing childcare as such although it depends on the grandparent and the child of course.

OP clearly doesn’t like me because she doesn’t like what I have to say; the majority appears to agree with me but I’ve been a bit more blunt than most. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just really had enough of the malicious comments now so I’ll no longer be responding. I feel like my mental health has taken a huge backward step in the past 24 hours. Thanks for the constructive advice, those who have given it, and those who have continued to slate me repeatedly I hope you’re happy that you’ve pushed this Mum off Mumsnet

Oh come on! Do try to get a grip.

No one is being malicious. People are offering constructive suggestions to deal with the issues you’ve described. Some of it is robust - that’s Mumsnet.

No one one has been malicious.

I had PND so I do understand how difficult that is too but you are really taking the nursery persons comments far too seriously and to heart.

malicious comments where?

😂 no one has been malicious! Just told you that your child’s behaviour needs addressing and that your approach needs to change! You need to grow a thicker skin... if you didn’t want to hear any alternative views I’m not sure why you asked in the first place...

No one has been malicious at all! You just don't like being told that you need to sort your child's behaviour. It doesn't mean they're a bad kid, it just means they're go through a phase that every child does where you learn not to be aggressive and treat people nicely.

Nobody has been malicious, we’ve tried to point out that you’re doing your child no favours with your attitude.

If you’d stop making it all about you for a second you’d realise people are actually trying to help.

Because words on a site are going to seem awfully tame if a parent who objects to your child hurting theirs speaks up face to face.

Test

I tried to send you a pm mamalunn but it didn’t work xx

This thread is truly awful. I felt so sad reading it. The OP has been bullied. It is subtle in so many ways, and it will be denied. But it is there. Sorry op x

"It will be denied" because it simply isn't true.
Folk disagreeing with the OP does not equal bullying, and it really, really doesn't help people who actually are bullied in life to have people misusing the word like that.