Daycare say that my toddler is hard work??

[Mamalunn95]

My partner has just dropped our 19 month old daughter off at daycare which she has now attended for 11 months part time (two half days per week currently). One of the workers in the room has said to him: “I hope C is in a better mood today, she was really hard work yesterday.” Apparently she said it in a quite lighthearted way but to me this isn’t something a nursery worker should say to a parent. I find it quite hard leaving her as it is without the added anxiety that the nursery workers think she is difficult and that I am unable to control her behaviour...

When I collected her yesterday they said that she had been pushing other children and trying to take toys which she wants off them. My understanding as CACHE Level 3 Early Years Educator is that this developmentally appropriate. Although I have only seen her behave this way with her cousins when they are really in her space or snatching from her, she will push them or lash out and we respond to this without negative discipline such as time out. For example, if she becomes overwhelmed and lashes out then we will ask if she remembers how to be gentle and then show her how to be gentle again by stroking her face or our face with her hand and she responds well to this. We also are aware of potential triggers for her which make her behave in an unacceptable way. I think this is what nursery workers should be focusing on rather than telling us she is difficult. If she was a child in my class I would complete repeated observations from when she is behaving unacceptably to identify potential triggers as we know that babies do not have the intention to upset others.

Am I being unreasonable to be offended by this? Or think that it was inappropriate for the worker to make a comment like this?

I’m going to ask to see their discipline policy as I think they use timeouts for the two year old room, which is something my partner and I don’t agree with.

What’s your opinion?

@DontMakeMeShushYou They didn’t mention anything they’d done to correct her behaviour, just that in the morning she had tried to take a toy of another little boy, and pushed one of her “friends” out of the way (in DD nursery they other children are always referred to as friends)

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this doesn't fit.

It's pointless a nursery telling s parent only about a behaviour their child has done. What use is that.

What a nursery should do is say - X happened today.
It happened because ....... happened. (They were tired, over whelmed, struggled to share etc. )
We are putting this .... in place to try to prevent it from happening again.
Please could you do .... at home to reinforce the strategy.

Just saying something happened is useless. It's too late to ask the child about it. So what can you realistically do.

@miketv Thanks I thought I was out of my mind, thinking that it’s unreasonable for a worker to say a child is doing their nut in (not in my case but others)! I’m certain that they probably say that to each other in private, and as nursery workers are so underpaid and overworked in many cases then I can understand it! (although the room at DD Nursery is never at full ratio)

Continued ... but to say it to a parent is really unprofessional as there’s more constructive ways of approaching the topic!

*I'm really surprised that people think it's fine for nursery staff to describe a child to be "doing my nut in" or "being hard work" to the parents.

I find that really unprofessional because it makes it about the staff (ie how they've felt about it) rather than the child.*

^I actually agree with this 100% I work with children, I would never phrase it like this to their parents.

Thanks @cushioncuddle this is exactly what I was looking for. I want to speak with her keyworker/manager to ask them to do this but I didn’t know if it was unreasonable to expect them to go through this with me each day. Thanks you’ve hit the nail on the head.

@Ixnayonthehombre No my DD nursery don’t know what my current career is as I hadn’t had my contract through when she started there and her paperwork hasn’t been updated as I don’t feel it’s releveant to her care that I work in children’s centres. I don’t claim to be in the industry either as I don’t look after children in the same way. I’ve never ever told them that I know better etc. only asked that they put her down to nap at her regular nap time- which has been ignored. Thanks

“I just don’t believe that labelling a child as difficult or hard work is conducive to getting the best out of a child.”

Oh OP. You beat enjoy your career while you can as you will need to give it up and home school your child, once she is due attend primary school.

Best. But beat is a pretty funny autocorrect

@ektomarie I don’t believe it. And I don’t believe you do either. But I am aware of the funding crisis, the pressures on schools and lack of teachers and support staff, and I am
hopeful that my daughter is lucky enough to attend a school with dedicated staff who aren’t the type to label children. Aside from this, I really don’t believe she is a bad child or her behaviour is anything but a stress response. Thanks for your concern though and I am fully prepared to homeschool my daughter if needs be

It doesn’t matter that you don’t believe it. And it’s ridiculous to try to tell me what I do and don’t believe. But, in character.

@ektomarie So you’re telling me in all honesty that you think the way to get the most out of a child is by labelling them? Apologies for assuming you were a reasonable human being.

‘Isolating her in her time of need’ 😂 Dear god, this is so dramatic - I am starting to suspect that this is some kind of wind up. Timeout isn’t locking her in the coal cellar.

It may well be developmentally ‘appropriate ‘ for your child to be exhibiting pushing, shoving, lashing out - as in the sense that these things can physically be achieved by this age - but that’s hardly the same as developmentally desirable and it’s also not something that all children do exhibit. If the nursery is telling you she is behaving frequently like this, then the ‘lighthearted ‘ comment about her being difficult may have actually been through gritted teeth.

Your child will be left out of play by her peers if they can’t play nicely. You can’t make children include the difficult and challenging children. They naturally want to avoid the kids who are mean, hurt and snatch.

You know what’s happening and unfortunately it was a bit Brutally delivered. But if you complain you are likely to be dismissed as parent of difficult child unwilling to address issues. They won’t want to bend over backwards for you.

You need to discipline your child, yes they will cry big fat tears, but you have to do it and soon they will learn the rules of social interaction.

The nursery worker shouldn't have said your dc was hard work, not because she wasn't hard work just because it isn't very professional. However it isn't a major issue. It sounds like there are bigger issues with childcare that you need to think through. Try and find a nursery she can spend longer in and has a similar approach to behavioral issues to yourself.

@PlatypusPie That may well be- but by telling me that she’s been hard work, pushing and snatching, and then leaving it there doesn’t help anyone in the situation at all does it. No solutions, action plan, liaison with nursery, etc. This is the advice I’m looking for and have received from a number of posters. I am not looking to further justify my parenting decisions, everyone parents differently. I clearly am not egging on her behaviour, I know it is unacceptable and as I’ve stated previously, she rarely shows this behaviour outside of nursery (with me or her other carers). She’s not a bad child and she doesn’t need punishment. Thanks for your comment

You are really over thinking this. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

@captainproton She isn’t a challenging or difficult child, she shows this behaviour when she is tired or overwhelmed. She is popular with the staff and the children which I think wouldn’t be the case in a child who was battering and plowing down the others, sitting on a pile of stolen toys. I am fully aware the behaviour isn’t ideal. I am using our preferred methods of discipline at home.

So many posters are acting as if my child is a pariah for acting the way she does RARELY. She’s just turning 19 months old today- she says please and thank you, she’s a very loving and sweet child and until recently- like the last month- I was concerned that she was too shy!! Talk about dramatics- your child has pushed a couple of times in stressful situations now no one will want to be their friend? So supportive, thanks MN.

We do tell her no, we do redirect her, we have told her to give the toy back or wait her turn, and even on occasion forced her to say sorry which I don’t agree with but clearly that’s the norm. So in no way is positive parenting, letting her get away with it.

I also know that the chances are that other children are hitting and pushing her but since there’s no marks they’re not obliged to tell me that she’s been pushed and by whom and I wouldn’t expect them too. But people are coming at me like my daughter is the only child who has ever pushed or snatched at this age!

@showpony2 If I’d have had a straightforward answer from PP without their criticism of my parenting this thread would be a LOT shorter

But they are not criticising your parenting OP, they pointing out certain behaviour that may or may not be adddressed. You said that it was said in a light hearted way, so no need to be so offended. But If you do have concerns then just speak with the nursery manager.

One of my DC was rather seriously hurt by a child whose mother cooed “oh noooo darling we must be kind to our friends” as a response and in general I’m not too sympathetic toward the method of parenting you describe but I DO agree that YApartiallyNBU.

When I worked with that age and something came up that needed to be mentioned to parents I always tried to phrase it positively ie “we worked on using Gentle hands and sharing today!” instead of “he pushed and grabbed all day.” I highly doubt that she meant anything negative by it though. I’d not overthink it OP. She didn’t say your child is difficult, just that they had a difficult day which we all have. I understand your reaction to feeling like someone is criticizing your child but objectively I’d say you’re reading more into it than is there.

OP there's no wrong or right parenting. Quiet frankly every parenting style has it's advantages and disadvantages.

Have you read the disadvantages of positive parenting ? You might be keen on this method but it's not suited for every child. You obviously wouldn't be open to believe this but it may well be reality for your child. If a psychiatrist told you this, would you come back and complain because they told you something you didn't want to hear? Would you carry on forcing positive parenting on your child even though you know it a not suited for their character/personality?

Please go and read more on disadvantages of positive parenting then come back and discuss more about it.

In the future if your teenage child swears at you how would you deal with that? If they come home after their curfew how would you deal with that ? You need to think of this before your child goes past a certain age, because you can't teach an old dog new tricks as positive parenting doesn't always yield the end result you're day dreaming about right now.

posting on phone..my paragraph spacing disappeared

If I’d have had a straightforward answer from PP without their criticism of my parenting this thread would be a LOT shorter

Most of this thread is you high handedly telling posters you know far more about parenting and child development that they do. Which is ironic, given that you don’t seem to understand that it’s not about you.

You know it all, that much is clear. Or you think you do. So why start a thread? If you know it all already, why start a thread asking a question?

Op, I’ve read the whole thread & there is plenty of good advice and well-intended support.
The most obvious thing is you taking offence at the nursery worker saying your dd was hard work that day.
That’s a simple factual statement. She didn’t say your dd was nasty, she wasn’t insulting and IMO nor was she unprofessional.
She was providing feedback on the day, and flagging to you that your dd might need the reassuring routine of an early night.
Your PND might have made you a little over anxious and I’m sorry if that is so, but the nursery staff are trying to help. If you complain they will avoid giving feedback which is much less help.
Obviously your dd is everything to you but to the rest of the world she is a small child being cared for in a group setting that you chose. You either need to work positively with them or move your dd. But she needs to learn how to cope with primary school and you need to work.