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Original poster

Bitten at nursery - and they won't say who by. Is that common?

120 replies

wheelsonthebus · 25/10/2006 11:22

my child was bitten at nursery last week and naturally i was interested in knowing which child was responsible, but i was told i could not be informed because of a fear i would take retribution on the parents or dislike the child. Seems a bit extreme. Is this usual nursery policy?

OP posts:
Pollybloodyanna · 25/10/2006 11:24

Yes, = ds was a biter at nursery (he was 13months old at the time) and the parents found out who it was (although the staff didn't say) - we were hounded out of the nursery.

bossykate · 25/10/2006 11:24

yes, or at least it is the policy at dd's nursery. it's also the policy at ds's school.

hth.

SenoraPostrophe · 25/10/2006 11:25

actually I think that's a good idea. probably most children go through a biting phase and some parents do overreact if their child is bitten.

they don't do it at ds's nursery though.

noonar · 25/10/2006 11:25

this happened to dd1 on holiday at the creche. i just aked her big sister, who told me straight away! think it is usual. how old is you lo? not talking, i assume!

cupsnakes · 25/10/2006 11:25

yes. Never had this myself but frequently see it on MN. Bit pointless as most of the time your child (or a chatty classmate) tells you anyway.

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 25/10/2006 11:26

Was in ds's nursery. I thought it was a good thing. They didn't spell out the reasons quite so bluntly though

Skribble · 25/10/2006 11:28

Some parents seem to think biting is so much worse than any other attack and get quite het up about so I can understand the nurseries policy.

lemonAIIEEE · 25/10/2006 11:30

Pretty standard. I've seen some very overreacting parents of bitees and I think it's a good policy.

Original poster
wheelsonthebus · 25/10/2006 11:31

dd is 2, she did mumble a name - but i think that was her best friend, and not the 'culprit'! didn't want to press the point at the nursery. i suppose i was a bit surprised that since the incident involved by dd, i could not be informed of all the facts. i had this at the last nursery where the key worker looking after my dd was sacked, but over an incident with another child. i asked what the incident was, and was told i could not be informed. that ws a bit different, but i am a bit unsettled at the idea that i am deemed so 'uncontrollable' a person, that i am going to hound out the parents or persecute the other child. after all, some of my friends' kids bite and they are lovely children. it's a communication problem sometimes, not a vicious act.

OP posts:
Pinotmum · 25/10/2006 11:31

Yes, I work with under 5's and we don't saw who just that appropriate action was/is being taken etc.

princessmel · 25/10/2006 11:32

Yes ,my ds pre school never used to tell me who he'd had an 'incident' with. ds did though!

Pinotmum · 25/10/2006 11:32

say who not saw who

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 25/10/2006 11:33

I'm sure you're eminently reasonable but some others may not be. Hence the catch-all policy.

Bozza · 25/10/2006 11:33

I think this is a pretty standard nursery policy. Why does it matter to you who it is? Both of my children have been bitten and I have not found out who did it. IME it tends to be at its most common in the under 2s. Neither of mine were bitten once they moved into the 2yos room. But if DD is in an incident (eg she got pushed off the slide) she tells me who did it now.

northerner · 25/10/2006 11:33

Yes. My ds was a biter at around 2, we were always told when he had bitten. The bitee's parents were not told it was my ds. That's how it should be imo. A 2 year old is not really responsible for their own actions are they?

Skribble · 25/10/2006 11:34

Not all parents see it that way though, when working in different nurseries we tended to explian that their child had been hurt by an other child what had happened and what treatment we did and get them to sign the accident book but not usual to say which child did what. We would speak to the "attackers" parents too to expalin what child had done and how we dealt with it. Not just for biting.

Can't really see why a parents needs to know who did it if it is just random, different if regular incidents.

Bozza · 25/10/2006 11:35

DD was bitten by her best friend who also goes to nursery. As it happens it was in best friend's own home. DD had taken round her own pram and was holding the handle and wouldn't let go and the other girl bit her hand.

So it could well be the best friend. OTOH DD got bitten and told me it was done by a girl who left a month ago!

BATtymumma · 25/10/2006 11:36

you cannot be told and this should be standard practice for any nursary or school.
it is a breach of confidentiality.

there is no need for you to know who it was, only that your child has been hurt. it is normal for the child themselves to tell you anyway.

sometimes this rule is frustrating as my DS gets blamed for EVERY incident that happens to his classmates and i even had one old boot come up tome in the playground and give me a mouthfull of abuse about my child and how if he couldnt behave like normal children perhaps we should find a zoo.

after the teachers came outside to find out what the neurotic cow was on about we find out that actually it wasn't my DS at all buit another child with the same name.

lemonAIIEEE · 25/10/2006 11:39

Really, I've seen otherwise perfectly lovely, reasonable and considerate parents who are unshakeably convinced that the only reason a child bites is because of bad parenting or being fundamentally a problem child. Hard for nurseries to distinguish between those parents and those such as you who are more rational about it. I think probably there are some really deep-seated cultural taboos about biting people that come into play with some parents.

lemonAIIEEE · 25/10/2006 11:40

Hmm, so you do saw who then, Pinotmum? Sounds like fairly draconian discipline...

Original poster
wheelsonthebus · 25/10/2006 11:42

yes bozza...my dd was hit on the head once and for ages afterwards she said she was being hit on the head, and the child wasn't even at the nursery.

OP posts:
Blackduck · 25/10/2006 11:44

yes - they tell you they have been and obviously the biter's parents.....usually mine tells me who it is

katierocket · 25/10/2006 11:46

Yes it is common for nurseries not to say. TBH why would you want to know? Of course you need to know if your child has been hurt but it won't help to know the culprit. It's the nurseries job to keep an eye on it and nip any further possible occurances in the bud. They would have told the biter's parents.

Original poster
wheelsonthebus · 25/10/2006 11:52

i personally think you have a right to ask - it is yr child after all. if the name is constantly mentioned after that by yr child, you may want to raise it with the nursery to check whether there is a bigger problem. since kids can't express themselves very well, i think parents have to do it for them at this age. nursery staff too, but they are not going to be the ones getting up in the night if your child has a bad dream abt the nursery (as mine did last night).

OP posts:
BATtymumma · 25/10/2006 11:56

if its a bigger problem then its the schools problem to sort it out. if your child mentions a childs name negativly then inform the staff at the nursary.

if you trust them to care for your child then you need to trust them to deal with teh situation.

ifyou know who the child is how would it help?what could you do about it even if you did know?