Bitten at nursery - and they won't say who by. Is that common?

[wheelsonthebus]

my child was bitten at nursery last week and naturally i was interested in knowing which child was responsible, but i was told i could not be informed because of a fear i would take retribution on the parents or dislike the child. Seems a bit extreme. Is this usual nursery policy?

[wheelsonthebus]

battymamma - we will have to beg differ on this one. any problem involving my child, is, IMO, my problem in part to resolve. i would soon be told it was my problem if my dd was the biter! Nurseries and schools can't have it both ways.

[katierocket]

But you would be told if she was the biter.
You're not really explaining why you think it would help you to know who did it. Maybe if it had happened a few times but even then presumably the only point would be if you wanted to confront the parents. But coudl well be a one off. Trust the nursery to handle it.

[beckybraAAARGHstraps]

Ds was both a biter and a bitee. And I was NEVER told it was my problem. We were told that our child had bitten another child (but not who that child was), and we had to sign a book to verify that we'd been told. That was all. There was no hassle, and no blame. The nursery told me how they dealt with things, and I was happy with that.

[Bozza]

LOL at that story Pamina. It is a classic.

[NannyStar]

I was taught in my 1st placement that the biter remains anonymous for confidentiality/data protection. Don't know how true this is though?

[wheelsonthebus]

nannystar - that is interesting. i think the freedom of information and data protection acts get people into all sorts of predicaments. generally, in all things, i am in favour of putting the information out there, because data protection can be used as an excuse to hide bad practice (not in this case).
katierocket - i suppose i don't feel i need to justify why i would like to know the identity of the biter. i just would. like i would like to know most things my dd is up to or involved in during the day. i would neither raise it with the parents or have anything contact with the child, but, for example, it may explain why my dd might react in certain ways. and if she starts to bite, it would explain to me where she might have learned that behaviour.

[misdee]

dd1 suffered a pulled elbow at the hands of her best friend. the nursery couldnt tell us who had yanked dd1 arm, but dd1 told us anyway

my neice is in a private nursery and was bitten the other week. the nursery told my sister that her dd had been bittenh, but they cant tell who it was, at that poinmt her dd came over and said 'look mummy, thats where J bit me!' pointing to the bruise on her arm. lol.

[Skribble]

If it is pre school, ursery etc basicly under 5 then what is there for the parent of the child that is bitten to sort out.

It seems to hit a nerve with some parents probably because it can leave awful marks and often breaks the skin. Looks worse than if child punched.

As long as the nursery has spoken to the parents of the biter than than I see nothing further that the parent of the child hurt needs to know. If there is a problem with the child biting all the time the nursery needs to discuss this with the parents of the biter again to sort it out not any other parent.

[moljam]

in the preschool where i worked this was policy.they say its what they did that was wrong not who did it.or something.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Yeah, they generally don't tell you. If you know the staff well, though (and they know you won't get silly about it), you can find out.

I do find it somewhat relevant if the biter is a child your child sees elsewhere, just so you can keep an eye on things and watch out for it happening again, elsewhere.

The policy gets ridiculous when the victim is three or four, as the teacher carefully says "DS1 was bit today" "Yeah, Bob bit me!".

[Blu]

It's absolutely standard, and I think it reflects well the notion that you can know anything to do with your child, but not about others.

And a bite is a bite - whoever inflicts it.

It's policy at DS's school too. I collected DS one day, and he had a visible bruise on his eyebrow, and I was met by a mob of over-excited 5 year-olds, all giving me a dramatic re-enactment of how 'Tim' had pushed DS while he was leaning over onto a box, and how 'Tim' had had to sit outside the office, at which 'Tim's' mother started screeching at him etc etc...in the midst of this DS's teacher discreetly handed me a copy of the accident report telling me that 'another child' had pushed DS.

[katierocket]

I think Blu sums it up though wheelsonthebus

A bite is a bite whoever inflicts it. It won't help you or your DD to know who did it.

[maddiemostmerry]

Policy at my sons nursery too. However, I was the parent of the biter and asked to be told who he had bitten, so that I could apologise to parents. This didn't seem to be a problem.

I don't think parents should be told the name of the culprit but it is fine to tell them how the sitaution arose and what steps will be in place to prevent further problems.

[wheelsonthebus]

fair enough - i shall revel in the anonymity when my dd is in the wrong

[MumtoBen]

I would want to know who the biter was if it was an ongoing situation. If it was a one-off then I'd be angry, but let it go.

My son was badly bitten at a toddler group. 3 bite marks and bruising that lasted 3 weeks. As I was there I knew which child did it. The mum apologised to me and was upset, but the child didn't even get told off. My son was very distressed. I was angry but didn't even say much to the mum involved, just accepted her apology. However if it happened again I would probably react different.

How do you know if the parents or nursery are dealing with it correctly if it the situation repeats itself?

If my child bit another child I would make sure that it didn't happen again. The child who bit my son has bitten many children (his mum told me).

It is my job to protect my very young child. I am sure under the data protection act I would be entitled to read anything written about my son at the nursery, so if the incident named another child in writing I would be entitled to see it.

[Jimjams2]

"If my child bit another child I would make sure that it didn't happen again."

How?

[hulababy]

It is common for nurseries not to pass on the names of the child who has caused the incident (bit, hit, whatever).

TBH it is not necessary to Kknow IMO. It is up to the nursery and the parents of that child to work together to try and solve the problem.

[MumtoBen]

Discipline. A good telling off.

[hulababy]

MumtoBen - I don't think it is that easy TBH, particularly with very little toddlers. Luckily my DD was never a biter or hiter, but have read enough on MN and spoken to parents before who have been in that situation. It takes time and patience to sort out from what I have heard.

[lemonaid]

'Cos if you give a two or three year old a "good telling off" for something on one solitary occasion they never ever ever do it again not even once?

[marymillington]

Honestly, they all do it. Sometimes its more serious than others. My DS has been in the past both biter and bitee, but I don't see how knowing who did it (or to whom it was done) is useful knowledge, only the circumstances in which it happened and how the nursery dealt with it.

[TyrNannyOgg]

Oh ffs, I have never heard anything so absurd in my life. I would have to tie ds1 up with chicken wire and solidify him in concrete to stop him doing something on impulse despite many disciplines and good tellings off. You are lucky to have a particulary pliable child.