Bitten at nursery - and they won't say who by. Is that common?

[wheelsonthebus]

my child was bitten at nursery last week and naturally i was interested in knowing which child was responsible, but i was told i could not be informed because of a fear i would take retribution on the parents or dislike the child. Seems a bit extreme. Is this usual nursery policy?

oh right. You don't actually have any idea how to stop it then, (am pmsl laughing at discipline a good telling off- no shit sherlock!)

How old is your little one Mumtoben?

But the child who bit my son was not told off during the rest of the group (another 90 minutes or so). Even if he was told later when it would have been ineffective.

I discipline my child as necessary and teach him correct behaviour every day so he knows what is acceptable or not. He doesn't need telling twice as he knows from my tone of voice that body language that he knows what he is doing is wrong.

I have seen other parents tell off their children is a half-hearted way and they tend to be the ones with children who are playing up.

The vast majority of the children we come into contact with a nursery and toddlers are very nice children who do not bite or hit and are respectful to their parents. Clearly I am not the only one doing something right.

And I do agree that it is not always the parents fault. I am sure they can pick up bad habits from other children at places like nursery, where they don't get the same level of attention as at home or are forced out of their routine, for example, not getting a nap at the time when they need it which makes them over-tired and more likely to misbehave.

He is 21 months.

Jimjams2, why bother to ask me the question then?

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Because if you had a real answer you could have sold it and made huge amounts of money. Disappointingly you;re just part of the tut tut brigade. Ah well.

Ah yes, so old-fashioned discipline is not a real answer then. In which case I am glad to be part of the tut tut brigade. And not be the parent of a hiter or biter.

And fyi I did not tut tut at the mum whose son bit mine. Just accepted her apology even though I was fuming.

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Hmmmm think HappyMum has a point.

I have a lot of experience with very challenging behaviours (which means that you have to be on top of it, and very aware of what will result from your responses or you end up in a total mess) and if the only trick I had up my sleeve was "old fashioned discipline" then I wouldn't get very far.

ha- that's true dino.!Luckily none of miine have ever really been biters- ds1 has the odd pinching phase, ds2 and ds3 nothing (although I wait for ds3 to discover his teeth!) He came back from school with a note today saying he'd been thumped or hit or something- and a big apology- I'm always just relieved that it wasn't him doing the thumping!

oh ds1 beiing the "he" of course.

Obviously I had better start beating my son profusely, as this was the old fashioned way of dealing with things.

Mum to ben, in my opinion, you have no idea what you are talking about, you have one child who isn't even two yet. You don't know you are born. When I had one child who wasn't even two, I thought I had all the answers too.

at Jimjams on this thread

And you have how many children, mumtoben? I used to think my older children's good behaviour was down to our brilliant parenting. Oh how we laughed when dd2 came on the scene, clearly hardwired with a completely different operating system.

Mercifully none of mine has been a biter. But I think real problem biters don't don't it deliberately, or in some cases even particularly consciously. And my ds was regularly bitten, well into Reception, by a child who he considered a friend. Said child was given time out, made to apologise, made to write letters of apology to ds, sit on the naughty chair, whatever. None of it really made a difference eventually he just grew out of it. Ds always took it in reasonably good part, though he used to quite like showing me the marks, and was always sorry to see them fade. It was the other child's mother I felt sorry for really, what could you say when your child has drawn blood on somebody else's innocent child?

There but for the grace of god go any of us. And the odds narrow with every further child you give birth to.

Dinosaur, I do agree that it is easier to be the mum of the bitten than the biter. I would never like to be in that situation, which is why I do everything I can to prevent it.

Tyr - I never hit my child. That is not what I mean by old-fashioned discipline. Profusely beating a child is abuse, not discipline. I don't think I know all the answers. I just know the answers for my own child. And I do know I am born, thanks.

Frogs - I have 1 child.

Yes time will tell, but I know I will continue to respond to bad behaviour.

I am glad everyone else is so laid back about their child being bitten. And so confident in the abilities of their nursery.

Ah I'm always on the look out for behaviour tips greeny. I had high hopes tonight!

Actually touch wood we have no particularly challenging behaviours on the go at the moment, except the wetting the bed on purpose, but that has been going on for so long it dooesn;t really register and I do know how to fix it just haven't got the energy. The latest is stealing gluten containing food (and he knows, as he'll eat one item then come and show me, laughing, the little horror), but I can cope with that- it's not antisocial!

It's also the policy at ours.

I once had to sign one book to say that DS had been bitten and then another book to say that DD1 had bitten someone... both events having happened on the same morning. Hmmm? Smirks all round!

I'm still interested, MumtoBen -- so your DS has never done the same thing wrong again once you've told him off?

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MumtoBen ... I'm quite old fashioned too and can be quite strict when admonishing behaviour I find unacceptable

I know you don't appreciate quite how naive you sound .. and maybe you shouldn't quite yet .. but you will look back on this and blush in a couple of years .. you really will

I have the benefit of my eldest reaching the exalted age of 5 3/4 and a 2.6 year old following behind .. and whilst neither have been biters that is down to their nature not my nurture .. although truth be told DD did bite DS a month ago hard enough to draw blood at which my darling boy just looked at her said "No DD" and laughed up at me and DD just kept kissing him saying "sorry DS, sorry, sorry" .. anyhoo I digress with heart-warming story of 2 year old chomper

MumToBen...

What are you going to do when your son gets to an age where he starts testing his limits? He is still very young and it is a rare child of that age with as much stubborness as the average 3 year old.

when you are saying "I am consistant and that is why my child doesn't bite - he knows he has to do as he is told"

Do you really not think anyone else has thought of being consistant and making sure the child knows that some things are not acceptable? Because you are coming across as putting biting down to poor parenting, which is really annoying to the parents of children who bite.

That is why you are being pulled to pieces a bit. I was rude to say you don't know you are born, but hand on heart, one child under two is the easiest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, and everyone whose children are older, or who has more of them, will know that. We remember what it was like, so you are coming across, as Twiglett says, as naive.

May as well add my twopenceworth regarding not telling parents of the bitten child. If your child bites the ds/dd of a psycho who feels the only way forwards is to come at you with a crowbar, which is quite possible by todays standards, it's better if they don't know who to bash surely

I am not saying that no one else hasn't thought of the things I do. I was asked what I do and so replied.

I have not said biting is exclusively down to poor parenting, if you read my posts. I said it can be due to for example a child being overtired. However when you see a child that is biting children all the time, punching adults and behaving badly (the child who bit my son) and the mother does nothing then I think in this case it is poor parenting. Is this an example of good parenting then?

When my child was bitten, interestingly I was the least aggressive out of many of the mothers there, who came up to me afterwards. They said the child should be kicked out the group. That the mother should bite him, to show him how much it hurt. I said none of those things.

I am not naive, Twiglett. Maybe I am just lucky my child is well-behaved. But partly nature and partly nuture I think. I don't think I will be eating my words. My mum told me once that she never had to discipline either me or my sister as we were always well-behaved. Maybe those genes have been passed on.

Tyr, my son tests his limits now and has been doing so for some time. He has tons of energy and is out to explore everything he can get his hands on. Have a child under 2 is not the easiest thing in the world either in my opinion. Having a child that feeds 20 hours a day for 3 months was far more difficult! He is also very stubborn now, as I am! My son just gets easier & easier to look after. As not all children are the same, no one can assume that my son will be badly behaved in the future. My friends who had easy babies are finding the toddler stage much harder than me. Where as I had a very difficult and ill baby, so am finding it relatively easy now. Nothing can be as bad as the year 2005 for me.

I am always interested in other people's comments though, which is why mumsnet is so great. Most people won't say a lot of things to your face.