Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

Original poster

Bitten at nursery - and they won't say who by. Is that common?

120 replies

wheelsonthebus · 25/10/2006 11:22

my child was bitten at nursery last week and naturally i was interested in knowing which child was responsible, but i was told i could not be informed because of a fear i would take retribution on the parents or dislike the child. Seems a bit extreme. Is this usual nursery policy?

OP posts:
misdee · 14/11/2006 18:05

i have 3 dd's/ ages 6, 4 and 20months. dd1 wasnt a biter. dd2, dd3 has nipped a little. all bought uop the same with the same rules etc in place.

beckybrastraps · 14/11/2006 18:11

"My son just gets easier & easier to look after"

Yes, I thought that. Until ds got to about 2.5. And then...

I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset that your son was bitten. And I'm not saying that poor parenting doesn't exacerbate problems. But the best regulated children have their foibles. If your ds's isn't biting, it WILL be something else!

HappyMumof2 · 14/11/2006 18:52

Message withdrawn

beckybrastraps · 14/11/2006 18:53

Don't say that! Ds is now 5, and better, but dd is 2.9...

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/11/2006 18:54

Children who are "well-behaved" genetically without ever needing discipline are sinister. And boring.

beckybrastraps · 14/11/2006 18:56

Well maybe. But I could do with my children being just a little bit less 'interesting' at times...

tamum · 14/11/2006 18:58

I have my doubts about the genetics of good behaviour....

HappyMumof2 · 14/11/2006 19:05

Message withdrawn

earlysbird · 14/11/2006 19:05

well MumtoBen I agree that children need firm discipline and clear boundaries but they're not all the same by nature you know...my DTs have been brought up in exactly the same way, told off for the same things and praised for the same things. They have never been smacked. They have naps at the same time and developmentally are very similar. One of them will happily hit her twin, me or DH if she doesn't get her own way, the other one never does. So what so I do about that then? Same nurture, so must be nature wouldn't you say?

Blu · 14/11/2006 19:07

Actually, I don't think biting or not is down to nature or nurture I think it is down to accident and experiment.

Children bite things as part of exploration. If they happen to bite a human who lets out a highly entertaining shriek - or similiar dramatic reaction, biting will become very tempting.

Biting is notoriously 'catching' in nurseries - if children see other children biting, they will copy it.

DS had a very short biting period - he bit me on the ote while I was reading the paper and I yelled in surprise and pain - so he did it a few more times over the next few days, and only stopped when i completeky ignored it, ignored him and put him away from him. But of course other children will always cry / yell - and toddlers simply cannot understand the pain of someone else, just appreciate the 'entertainment'.

But telling off is good -it makes the parents of the bitten feel better, and is the correct etiquette - even if completely ineffective, depending on the age of the child.

Pollyanna · 14/11/2006 19:16

As I said further down the thread, I had a child who bit at nursery. He was about 12 months old. The other parents found out who he was and made us leave the nursery. It was very upsetting. I don't think he bit because of my parenting skills (he was 12 months old fgs).

I have a 21 month old now, who is really really difficult. She will attack at least one child every time I go out to a toddler group. I have not parented (is that a verb?) her any different to the others. I watch her like a hawk. I definitely tell her off when she does it. I have started to put her in her pushchair when she does it now. Some days we don't go out, but I have a 3 year old who can't stay in the whole time. I can't see that it is down to tiredness, hunger or attention seeking. I don't think it is down to her being malicious, and when I'm being rational I don't think it is down to bad parenting. I know it is a phase. I feel very sorry for the children she attacks (not biting - hair pulling or grasping at their faces usually). It is making me miserable and at times makes me dislike her immensely. I think whoever it is down the thread says it is down to bad discipline or whatever is very naive.

sorry this has changed into a bit of a rant - this is a sore point for me atm.

I should add that ds stopped biting after a few weeks and I have had 2 other children who haven't been at all agressive. I haven't changed my parenting techniques for any of them.,

MumtoBen · 14/11/2006 19:34

Wow! I have been called sinster, boring and a sherlock! Is it me in the playground being called names by bullies now?

HappyMumof2 · 14/11/2006 19:36

Message withdrawn

MumtoBen · 14/11/2006 19:42

See below

I said:

My mum told me once that she never had to discipline either me or my sister as we were always well-behaved. Maybe those genes have been passed on.

Reply:

Children who are "well-behaved" genetically without ever needing discipline are sinister. And boring.

Maybe she is saying that me and my son are boring and sinister.

And read further down for the "no shit sherlock" comment.

funnypeculiar · 14/11/2006 19:45

My bessie mate had a biter. Whilst she didn't beat him ... she did EVERYTHING else in her power to make him understand his b'haviour wasn't acceptable - eg took him st. home whenever he bit (after he'd said sorry, of course!)It took her MONTHS to get him out of it. He is a very strongminded & bright child, and learnt biting worked.

Whilst Mum2Ben, of course I agree that y bad parenting can make the situation worse, I'm by no means convinced that good parenting can sort it out.

Pollyanna's situation (and M2B's beliefs) are why it is a completely sensible policy not to tell bitees parents who bit.

DS was bit on the face at nursery ... I wasn't told & didn't ask who did it. Apparently, he sat through it, didn't cry, and carried on with his lunch.
I think parents find biting more scary than kids - feels too animal for us....

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/11/2006 19:52

no, she's absolutely right, I did say it

I do find impeccably "well-behaved" children sinister and boring, as a rule. Sinister in the sense that I can't help wondering whether they are unhappy/overdisciplined, and boring because I prefer children with a bit of spirit and mischief about them. I'm not drawn to slavishly conformist adults either. It's a personal preference.

As for you personally, MumtoBen, I have not idea whether you and your sibling were sinister or boring as children. But from my reading of this thread I have come away with the impression that you are smug, priggish and ignorant of the difficulties faced by others in bringing up children who do not always do what it says on the tin.

HappyMumof2 · 14/11/2006 20:01

Message withdrawn

MumtoBen · 14/11/2006 20:01

If you read by posts you would have worked out that my son is not a textbook child by any means. And you obviously overlooked the fact I was polite to the mum of the biter. And the fact I have said I would rather have the bitten than the biter.

I am glad you have called me 'smug, priggish and ignorant'. I am mischievious and have a lot of spirit which is better than being boring and having no opinion at all. You would obviously prefer me to others then.

Sugarfree · 14/11/2006 20:04

(Better day Greensleeves?)

I agree with Greenie that you do sound smug etc but I don't think you mean to at all and it stems from naivity.
Naivity isn't a bad thing,as parents we were all where you are once,and all still have alot to learn about each stage as we get there.
I thought I was the world's best mother when I only had ds1.He ate well,went through the night at 6 weeks,became clever,popular and sociable.Of course it was down to my excellent parenting.I remember smirking when my BF said "Oooh,I love watching XXX eat.I can't get anything other than potatoes and strawberry yoghurt into mine" Naturally that was because I was a Far Superior Mother.
WRONG It was luck,pure and simple.

We all live and learn,that's what it's all about,just try and take on board what others are saying here.

Ds1 is now almost 13,has two younger brothers and is a complete PITA with occasional flashes of the marvellous 21 month old he used to be.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/11/2006 20:06

I did read your posts. I don't feel inclined to revisit them, I'm happy with my appraisal.

It's understandable that you don't know what you are talking about though, because your only child is still a baby. I hope you stay around on MN though - who knows, you might even learn something.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/11/2006 20:07

(not much better, sugarfree, but I am exiting the "Tearful and Hopeless" phase and heading into "Bitter and Grumpy" - much more fun)

Twiglett · 14/11/2006 20:09

personally I am loving mumtoben's optimism and yes wonderfully infectious naivety .. I remember that stage so well its like a flashback

and DS was equally 'sinister' and 'boring' at that stage and I thought he was wonderful. Equally wonderful 5 year old now but totally different child of course

Sugarfree · 14/11/2006 20:09

Oh yes,I agree.What does tomorrow hold? 'Resigned and Martyrish' or 'Couldn't Give a Rat's Arse and A Bit More Cheerful?'

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/11/2006 20:10

What a marvellous thing diversity is

Sugarfree · 14/11/2006 20:11

Oh,that's how you spell "naivety".
Cheers Twigg.

Swipe left for the next trending thread