I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

If the house is jointly owned and he is disinclined to leave because he has nowhere else to go, how do you suggest she makes him?

And what about his legal right to stay?

She cannot just force him out of a jointly owned home if he doesn't want to go.

No-one should be judging you OP. You'll do what's best for you in your own time.
You're relatively young and my only advice would be don't settle for something you don't want for the sake of your daughter. If she has 2 involved coparents she'll likely be absolutely fine. You only get one life so put your wellbeing first. Don't let scare stories stop you valuing yourself.
Speaking from experience, being married to someone you've been with from the teenage years is likely to end anyway as people don't really become themselves until they're late 20s. Obviously there are exceptions, but it's a lottery.
If you find it too hard seeing your H upset he'll have to move out, you can't be expected to deal with his pain aswell as your own.
Have you blocked OW? She'll probably come back to have a go at you at some point.

This!!

I also agree. You are doing what is best for you in the current situation and this is entirely your choice.

Unfortunately, some MNetters are here more for the drama and feel aggrieved that you are not doing what they say, and are now trying to shame you which really isn’t supportive. These are people I would never have as friends IRL.

Regarding the STI test ensure it, or a further one, is done at least three months after the event.

I'm definitely not judging you for dealing with the situation in the best way you can right now, I realise that not everyone is able to immediately leave the family home. But I do wonder (knowing how dishonest he's been) if that's him telling you there's no way he can leave. Why hasn't he got friends he could stay with, even if it's for a short time while you collect your thoughts? Or hotel, AirBnB?

This is appalling advice.
This bloke has no intention of staying with OP into old age, he's already shagging a younger woman and OP is 31. He's not a reliable prospect for old age. No man is really let's face it.

I have just read all your updates and you are doing brilliantly in these shit circumstances and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

I agree, that's why I said moral.

In most cases if the cheating husband is desperate to show his wife he's willing to face the consequences of his actions and put her first he would be willing to leave if that's what she wanted, at least for a short-term period.

Refusing to leave and threatening legal action after you've been found out having cheated doesn't scream "I'm willing to put you and your needs first"...

Exactly. Surely he has enough savings / friends to stay somewhere else nearby for a week at the very least?

You are doing just fine. Only you can decide what is right for you, in your circumstances. And you don't need to be rushed to it.

This happens on MN, that a thread like this gets traction. And then all the ghouls hang out wanting blow by blow updates of every interaction, seeming positively gleeful at the idea of a man getting his comeuppance. And if the OP doesn't behave exactly as they like to think they would and/or do it immediately, they get vitriolic and start criticising the OP.

I second the recommendation for survivinginfidelity, regardless of what your final decision is. Whether you reconcile or divorce, you will need support to heal from this.

The action can't be compared but the thought process or lack of can. If you are saying a 21 year old brian can't compute the difference between right and wrong then you have to accept that includes all wrong actions. You can't cherry pick.

I dont think you are a mug at all OP.
Your world has been shattered and the rug pulled from.under your feet.
I just dont want to see your H taking advantage of you when he has demonstrated his capacity for deceit and manipulation.
Of course you must do what is right for you.

When I said earlier in the thread he needs to remove himself from the house I did mean for a couple of days rather than long term. Travelodge if necessary. We wouldn't have the money for one of us to rent somewhere else either! But I completely chime with the desire not to be left to do all of the parenting heavy lifting with a 3 year old while all he has on his plate is go to work. Why should you?

OP, you do what feels best for you right now. You’ve had barely any time for this horrible news to settle, you have work and a 3 year old to care for. Do what you need to do now to keep your head above water.

Similar to PP, you can’t force him out, why should he get to abdicate any parental or household responsibility because he’s sleeping on a mate’s sofa. Equally agree spending family money on a hotel or expensive rental while you figure out next steps might not be feasible, it wouldn’t be for my family.

Take your time, keep your eyes open, get “your ducks in a row,” so you are ready when you make the decision. You can be separated parents in the same household for now, think of it like a house share (with a child!)

You do your own shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning up. Bit shit but if you only have one reception room I would get a laptop or decent tv for your room then you can retreat to a private space in the evenings rather than being tempted to sit together and return to a bit of normality. Draw up a schedule for childcare and on “his” evenings you do something for yourself, go to gym / see friends and come back once bedtime routine is over. Treat yourself to some nice things for your new routine, skincare, bath stuff if that’s your thing. Act like a single woman in a house share - with your “house mate” you’re polite and respectful but you owe them nothing, no explanations of what you are doing or where you are going.

Thank you for the supportive responses. He did actually offer to go to a hotel but this would only be very short term, and because of the way our finances are everything had already been sorted for the month. Any significant additional expenses would impact upon DD which isn’t fair on her.

He’s still offering to do things for me and when I came home he’d done the washing and shopping etc already. He’s asking me what I need from him and doing it. That doesn’t mean that I’m letting him get away with anything, but his behaviour now and over the coming weeks will factor into my long-term decision making.

I hope all works out for the best for you and DD
but keep in mind my post 03/10/2026 09:31.

My late husband did all this performance too. Walked about with puppy dog eyes. He turned into the perfect house husband along side working. The reality was things were never the same again. There wasn't one day in the 15 years after I found out that I didn't feel hurt. I was never truly happy again in my marriage. And, this allegedly was an EA.

The chore doing house husband thing is an act. He wants the easy option (to get away with it by you letting him stay) so will be on amazing behaviour until you relent and let him back properly.

It's all very well to sit on your high horse when it's not YOUR husband, YOUR life that's been turned upside down. And it's not spiteful at all to hope that karma does its job. That's kind of how karma works. Spiteful would be if I planned on stepping on and doing something to her myself, if I knew her, like telling her parents. But wishing for karma? No. That's normal and natural when someone does something that hurts society, like that slapper did. (By which I mean busting up a marriage and a kiddie's home.) And YES what he did was worse.

Exactly. So sick of the babying and excusing of this adult woman.

Its very kind of him to do some household chores after you caught him shagging someone else.

Its your life and your decision OP, and it sounds like you've already decided to forgive and forget. You don't need to justify your reasons.

What you do need to do now is grow a thick skin and don't go looking for sympathy or advice. You know what hes capable of and you are choosing to stay, you've made your bed.

Just remember he’s on the back foot right now and on his absolute best behaviour. You are strong, you’re doing amazingly well in horrendous circumstances.

Spot on.
It’s your choice to stay with him OP, but posters here will not agree, and will not support you, you’ll likely get a rough time here. You should seek out help irl and leave this thread imo.

I think what’s problematic is that he made a series of choices - lying, flirting, sending nudes, having sex with her, lying again, confessing again. You will have a real problem trusting him and you will feel inner turmoil - you will be suffering while in a few months time he will likely run out of patience and tell you to “ forget it”. If he’s serious about making it up to you if you choose to keep him he must leave his job, have an open phone policy and you both attend couples counselling. Please though don’t let the deciding factor being your daughter. It’s an insult to single parents who got divorced - we are all thriving and so our the children. My daughters both tell me how they are happy I divorced their dad for his shitty behaviour. They know what’s acceptable and what’s not. You just need to think about what you want and have a bit of space from your husband.