I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

At what point have I said that I have forgiven and forgotten? I have made it very clear that no decision has been made. He is also aware that divorce is very much on the table.

I have come here looking for a bit of support and solidarity during a very difficult time and now feel that I am being attacked just because I haven’t kicked him out on to the street and because I have explained what he’s done since I came home.

I hope you and others feel proud of yourselves for attacking someone who is already at rock bottom.

Don't you think one big part of this situation is to do with how you are able to live with what has happened - no amount of contrition from him is going to quell that entirely is it? I grew up in a family where my mother never forgave or forgot my father's affair and quite frankly - it was decades of torment for her and for us growing up with that air of suspicion going on - she never trusted him again - I think she ruined her own life over it - she was bitter and angry for the rest of her life. But.. people do deal with it, live through it and with it and move on together - I don't know how. Take your time and make decisions when you feel ready to - you can just leave things dangling for as long as you like whatever he may want.

We/I may not agree but if things go wrong we /I will never refuse help.

That’s why I said it’s best to leave the thread. Whether you choose to forgive is up to you and no one else. You will get many on here thinking that is the wrong choice and keep berating you. From the outside, it sounds very much like he will worm his way back in - and that’s fine if that’s what you want. You say you don’t, but we can all see what he’s doing .. you can’t see that yet. You are however, putting his needs above yours and your daughters, and that’s not on, I suspect you don’t realise that’s what you’re doing though.

Agree. However, many will keep berating OP for the decisions she’s making, and that will only make OP feel worse.

OP, if you do decide to leave then you will definitely get a lot of support, encouragement and practical advice on that.

Until then, though, while you are still processing everything, finding your feet and deciding what to do, I agree with PP that it may be better to leave the thread. I was pretty appalled with that PP who told you what you'd be judged on here for doing, although in fairness she was right on point of fact - you absolutely will be berated and jumped on as long as you do anything other than kick him out instantly forever. Even taking time to decide whether you want to do that will get you the responses you're getting now.

You do not have to make decisions based on what total strangers on the internet will judge you for. I wish they could share their experiences and advice with you without being so harsh, pressuring and judgemental because you're taking time on such a massive life decision.

Since you've got some real life support, I suggest you go there for your mental health right now, and don't come back here unless you want to hear more about what it means to leave, or decide you are leaving and want practical advice and support on that.

@MyHeartisinTwo I’m so sorry you are going through such a horrendous time. I also can’t believe the flack you are getting on here from total strangers just because you are rightly taking your time to decide whether in time your marriage can be saved or if you want to walk away. I genuinely think you would get more support if you make a post on the Relationships’ board.

I'm sorry you are feeling attacked - there are plenty of us who are supporting you and will continue to do so no matter what you decide.

It is totally wrong if you feel you are being attacked OP.
And it is absolutely your decision how you choose to handle this situation.
However posters express themselves I am sure they are universally on your side, although I agree that some posts don't necessarily come over as such.

Change2banon
I just wish MyHeartisinTwo will make an appointment with a solicitor, so that they can show her what she can do to protect both her and DD for the future

It will make her strong mentally.

Make sure MyHeartisinTwo your pension is equal to your H’s, that is made up for the loss of earnings since your marriage. This for you and your DD’s protection.

Also OP spend money on yourself and have a reserve fund.

What I actually said was its sounds like you've chosen to forgive and forget, I also said its your life and you don't need to justify that.

I apologize if you think I was attacking you, I absolutely wasn't. I was giving you a bit of reality though and that clearly hasn't been swallowed well. Theres a lot of people both in real life and online that wont show much solidarity should you chose to stay with him and you are going to have to learn not to be so offended by that.

Theres a lot of people both in real life and online that wont show much solidarity should you chose to stay with him and you are going to have to learn not to be so offended by that.

How many people need to know and why is it any of their business?

Shes posted it on the internet?

It's extremely obvious what the outcome will be from all of your responses. Men really can get away with the lowest of disrespect. It is text book predictable, he's even washing dishes. Probably has puppy dog eyes too.

Do what is right for you and your family OP. FWIW no judgement here. It’s a very difficult situation and with so much to get your head and heart round think it’s sensible not to knee jerk what you’d like to happen long term. I’m just sorry for what you’re going through. Be extra kind to yourself.

Did she really? Thank God you're here.

However you mentioned both online and real life, and in either case, she doesn't have to tell anyone. She could name change on here so you wouldn't know it was the same person. The point is, you're telling her she won't get universal support for a decision and has some sort of responsibility for that as if that actually matters, as if she in some way needs the approval of, well, anyone.

As previously said, you are doing really well
and you need support and not pressure. Your life has been turned upside down and you don’t have to kick him out. It’s not that easy; easy for people to say it. It’s ok to grieve what you have lost.

Shes already said shes told her friends and his friends. Have you RTFT? Its a good job I'm here!

I’m sure her friends will support her in real life if she decides to take her husband back, they’d be pretty heartless and cruel if they didn’t.

It is completely unrealistic for PP to say kick him out now and forever. That's how regrets happen. Regardless of what people on here say, there ARE people who manage to work through an affair and some say that they have greater levels of trust and honesty and communication after such a crisis.

But even if divorcing is the right thing to do, these things take TIME. It takes time to disentangle your heart and your emotions and all your finances and living arrangements etc. I have learnt in life that grand dramatic gestures like KICK HIM OUT NOW AND FOREVER pretty much always make things worse in the long-term.

You've had a ghastly shock, OP. It's going to take a long time for the dust to settle.

Hopefully this will make you laugh: I was thinking about the OW, and the song "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" just popped into my head, except the words were "If you're a slapper and you know it, clap your hands"! 🤣🤣🤣

It’s a horrible situation OP and well done for coping so well and keeping your daughter’s life as normal as possible.
You will still be in shock so it’s sensible not to make life changing decisions right now, it will take time.
At the end of the day you’ve got to make the right decision for you and your daughter.
Collect as much information as you can from MN, your friend and possibly family, legal advice and of course discussions with your husband - then at least you can make an informed decision about the future.

It’s Mumsnet OP - even if you are going through the worst time there will be people out with pitch forks not understanding that sometimes chucking someone out immediately just isn’t for you.

I completely understand that you’re just not in a place mentally or logistically for him to physically not be there right now - no matter how much you would like to cave his head in with a chair - sometimes you have to just plough through what’s going on and if that means him being there then that’s your situation right now.

Give yourself time to get your head around everything, work out realistically what you want to do, and you know what, if what you choose to do is stay with him and get therapy, make it work, then that’s completely up to you. If you choose to have him leave, you’ve got time to work out the ins and outs of that. But be kind to yourself throughout this - talk to your friends. You don’t have to rush or satisfy anyone but yourself and your daughter.

I realise there are varying tones to all the comments and some people have passionate opinions.
For the record, my own comment about not really being able to think clearly while husband remains in the house was given with the kindest of intentions. Other peoples experiences will be that the guilty party will act as a perfect spouse to win back the partner they hurt. Physical space can be vital for mental clarity.
I wholly support OP being allowed to make decisions for herself and daughter, there were no ‘pitchforks’ here!
I would point out my comment was hardly unsolicited, the entire concept of posting on Mumsnet is surely to benefit from the experiences and advice of others.
Apologies if it was received as malicious or harsh, that was not the intention.

Ignore the negative posters and try not to let them get to you. Some people on MN seem to struggle with empathy and genuinely seem to think that insulting someone is the best way to make them see things from their point of view.

You have been put in an absolutely horrible position. Of course, ideally, it would probably be easier for him to be out of the home while you process everything. But from the reasons you’ve given, that doesn’t sound realistically possible without making your life harder or potentially affecting your daughter. Why should you have to suddenly solo parent or have your child upset when you are completely innocent in this situation?

I would suggest putting a routine in place where you split the childcare responsibilities and have a clear schedule. Stop cooking for him, doing his washing, etc. You don’t need to make a big deal of it or make the change obvious to your child at this stage. It can simply be “Daddy time” and “Mummy time”.

The purpose isn’t to punish him. It’s about giving yourself some autonomy and independence and, importantly, giving yourself confidence that you can manage on your own. If you ultimately decide to give the relationship another chance, you need to know that decision is coming from a place of strength rather than fear of change or being alone.

I would also tell him that making it up to you through household chores or doing all the “right” things isn’t as important as being brutally honest with you. It’s not uncommon for someone who has cheated to desperately beg for another chance and say and do everything they think they should. But ultimately, once the dust settles, whatever led them to cheat in the first place is still there.

You don’t need his apologies or to watch him suffer. You need the truth.

He acted the way he did for a reason. Was it because he is struggling with his life as a husband and father and craving the excitement or freedom of his younger years? Or did he develop a genuine emotional connection with this other woman that made the risk of losing his family and the life he had worth taking? Does the thought of being on his own, or potentially being with this OW, fill him with dread or relief?

Those are the things he needs to go away and genuinely reflect on. Not just the immediate, autopilot panic of his life changing and the instinct to say or do whatever is necessary to stop himself losing control of the situation.

Rebuilding trust, and potentially love, could take years, if it is even possible. So before you consider trying again, I think there needs to be a really honest and practical conversation about all of this. Perhaps with the help of a counsellor, so that you can both get beyond the immediate emotion and actually understand what happened and why.

Good luck ❤️ You are strong, and whatever happens, you and your DC will be okay. Stay true to yourself.

But think about what you’re actually wishing for: another 21-year-old home-wrecker to exist. You’ve created an infinite regress of home-wrecking.