Sad that I have hidden the truth about our relationship

[Impic]

Looking back I'm sad Iv has to lie about my relationship for over 20 years.

When I met my DH we had this immediate attraction to eachother. I just knew we were ment to be together.

But he had a girlfriend. They were a really odd couple. He was fun and outgoing and she was quiet and antisocial. Everyone said they weren't right together.

Anyway they split up and we got together. Circumstances ment that for a while wed spend a month or so together but then not be able to see eachother for several months.

After we'd been seeing eachother for about a year he told me his ex had a baby who was now four months old. He said he thought he was probably the father but he wasn't 100 percent sure.

Circumstances were complicated and probably too outing to explain but I know he wasn't really being much of a father to the baby. He could of changed the circumstances but he chose not to.

Anyway circumstances eventually changed and we were able to see eachother more regularly. He said his ex wouldn't let him see the baby because she wasn't happy about how absent hed been and wasn't happy that he had moved on.

Then out of the blue she basically publically humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby.

So obviously he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I loved him too much to dump him so we came up with a lie to tell my family about why he suddenly had a baby over a year old because otherwise they'd hate him and I would have to choose between him and them and that was impossible.

It sounds bad what he did but

1. They'd only been together about 3 months when she got pregnant. He didn't want to keep the baby and she originally agreed but then changed her mind

1. He didn't know she was pregnant when we started seeing eachother.

1. He'd been planning on breaking up with her anyway at that point and was just waiting for the right time.

1. He didn't want to break up with her when she was pregnant or looking after a small baby because she had problems with anorexia, cutting, drinking and drugs and he didn't want to tip her over the edge

1. He thought she would get the message that there relationship was over sooner and also thought that she would behave like a decent person and not publically humiliate him when she did.

I know that our relationship has always been great and we had the perfect love story when we got together but I hate that Ive had to lie all these years to protect DH because other people won't understand and even with the lie we told lots of people still think he must of done something wrong.

I didn't mean to write so much. I'm just glad to of got it off my chest.

Yeah, it makes no sense! "We made up a lie and people believed it......how unfair!"

Right, so you’re sad because it’s hard to make up a lie that completely exonerates your husband from his own poor behaviour?!

If someone was meant to be the bigger person in this whole thing, it was your husband, you know, the man who lied, cheated, ditched his partner with a young baby…

You are absolutely tying yourself up in knots trying to make the child’s mother at fault and you know it.

And thinking further.......why are you sad that people dont know the truth, Iwouldnt WANT them knowing the truth!

"How did you meet?"

"Well, he was with his ex who was pregnant with their child but didnt tell me and we got together. He lied to us both for over a year until after she had the baby and found out about me, when she dumped him and he ended up with me. We then told everyone that she hadnt told him about the baby until it was several months old as he couldnt be bothered to step up and support her. It was the perfect love story really!"

Do you ever think about the fact that you’ve really demonised her in your own mind so as to justify what your husband did and you enabled so you can live with it?

it must really frustrate you and I bet you’ve cried angry tears in the past that she didn’t just abort and disappear off into the mist like he wanted her to.
but why would she have, by your own admission, he let her believe they were still in a relationship through her pregnancy and newborn stage.

why should she take the supposed high and quiet road after that?

Is the content of the made up story in respect of her having a drink problem/anorexia etc totally fictional? If so, that’s abhorrent no? Proper slander. And actually pretty anti feminist of you. Do you feel any regret about it?

I'm sure I've read this before on here but in a slightly different format and the 3 people were given names - one was Jenny I think

Most people would want to be the bigger person... except your husband clearly. He was the one injuring her with his behaviour and subsequent cover ups, she had every right to finally break and reveal the truth in the slander! How sad the lies perpetuate to this day too, dreadful.

This has nothing to do with you feeling bad about lying.
This is you regretting choices that have been made. I think you are kidding yourself that you are and have been happy all this time when your husband is a cheat and happy to lie about his own flesh and blood. I’m very much of the opinion a leopard can’t change its spots

I think alot of people were embarrassed for her.

😅😅😅😅
The only person in this farce that shouldn't feel embarassed is her.

He fucked off and abandoned the mother of his child at her most vulnerable and when they (her and the baby) needed him most.

You made up a load of lies about her so "he didn't look bad" and are annoyed the lie you made up could be viewed from an angle that still makes him look bad 😵‍💫

I find your posts a fascinating insight into the mental hoops women will jump through for a man.

What a prince....

Enjoy your "prize"...

You still haven't responded to the questions on the situation now - does he see his child? What's the relationship like with them? Do you guys have your own children?

Sounds like my ex, scarily so!

except I saw the light and left him when I discovered he’d been leading a double life with 2 houses and got the other girl pregnant then had a shotgun wedding wearing matching tracksuits.

I’ve never looked back! He’s divorced and remarried since then

Lol! I’m sure they weren’t. More likely they felt empathy for her and thought he was an absolute cunt. Would I want to “be the bigger person” if someone did that to me? Fuck no, I’d want everyone who’d listen to know what a piece of shit they were.

Obviously that's not what I want to say. I just want to be able to say that whilst DH made mistakes he was in very difficult circumstances and trying to do the best for everyone but as peoples comments on this thread show there's no way to do that.

I know he didn't behave that great but he was sorry about what he did.

He was worried only because her pregnancy was proof he was being a two-timing git.

If she hadn't have got pregnant but said that they were sleeping together, I have no doubt he would have called her a mad, obsessive stalker and liar.

It's not totally fictional

She was really thin and never looked healthy to me. I never asked her but I don't think you get that thin naturally and she's got scars that she could of done to herself but again I never asked.

I admit I think DH exaggerated or over estimated her having problems with drinking and drugs. I think it was just that she sometimes got really drunk on nights out and sometimes smoked cannabis so he did have concerns that she didn't always drink sensibly and that she was prepared to take illegal drugs and she knew people she could get them from so she could of moved on to something harder if she was in a really bad state of mind.

I take it all back, he's a noble saint. How selfless of him to keep fucking you behind her back and to keep her in a sham relationship behind yours.

For him to take that burden on for both of you is admirable 😂😂😂

How did you feel that he cheated on you with her after you met? He could have broken up with her honestly. I wouldn't be able to trust someone like him ever

It really is amazing how many cheating men continue having sex with their partner because they're concerned for her wellbeing if he leaves her. Strangely, they never care enough about her wellbeing to stop having sex with other women. But staying with their partner and having sex with her? Yeah, they'll reluctantly do that, for the greater good.

Was he really trying to do the best for all people though? Or was he fucking over his child’s mother while attempting to move on to a new relationship with someone who asked very little of him while looking at him starry-eyed through rose-tinted glasses?

As an aside, I hate it when people use the word “mistakes” when what they are really talking about is “horrible choices”. Adding up an invoice wrong and overcharging someone is a mistake. Cheating on the woman who is pregnant with your child is a horrible choice.

You can’t make the situation into something it’s not. Your ex behaved like an asshole and you enabled him. At some point you have to accept that neither of you are blameless and you collaborated in a terrible thing.

It is true though. He cheated on her and he lied to her and about her. He did do quite a lot to her.

How dare you imply she was unstable and incapable - good men with a baby step up if the mother of their baby isn’t coping. Most of us don’t need this additional clarification but stepping up does not mean continuing to fuck them. It does mean not abandoning your baby. I hope his ds matures into the realisation that his mum may not always have been awesome but she was the only parent who was there for him when he was tiny and helpless and needed parents the most, that his dad was busy fucking off, fucking around, lying to both women in his life and everyone he knew, and did not give a single shit about the tiny baby he’d fathered. What’s to say that doesn’t happen again?

There was a baby involved he chose not to see. There is no fucking way on this planet that he was trying to do his best for anyone except himself.