Sad that I have hidden the truth about our relationship

[Impic]

Looking back I'm sad Iv has to lie about my relationship for over 20 years.

When I met my DH we had this immediate attraction to eachother. I just knew we were ment to be together.

But he had a girlfriend. They were a really odd couple. He was fun and outgoing and she was quiet and antisocial. Everyone said they weren't right together.

Anyway they split up and we got together. Circumstances ment that for a while wed spend a month or so together but then not be able to see eachother for several months.

After we'd been seeing eachother for about a year he told me his ex had a baby who was now four months old. He said he thought he was probably the father but he wasn't 100 percent sure.

Circumstances were complicated and probably too outing to explain but I know he wasn't really being much of a father to the baby. He could of changed the circumstances but he chose not to.

Anyway circumstances eventually changed and we were able to see eachother more regularly. He said his ex wouldn't let him see the baby because she wasn't happy about how absent hed been and wasn't happy that he had moved on.

Then out of the blue she basically publically humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby.

So obviously he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I loved him too much to dump him so we came up with a lie to tell my family about why he suddenly had a baby over a year old because otherwise they'd hate him and I would have to choose between him and them and that was impossible.

It sounds bad what he did but

1. They'd only been together about 3 months when she got pregnant. He didn't want to keep the baby and she originally agreed but then changed her mind

1. He didn't know she was pregnant when we started seeing eachother.

1. He'd been planning on breaking up with her anyway at that point and was just waiting for the right time.

1. He didn't want to break up with her when she was pregnant or looking after a small baby because she had problems with anorexia, cutting, drinking and drugs and he didn't want to tip her over the edge

1. He thought she would get the message that there relationship was over sooner and also thought that she would behave like a decent person and not publically humiliate him when she did.

I know that our relationship has always been great and we had the perfect love story when we got together but I hate that Ive had to lie all these years to protect DH because other people won't understand and even with the lie we told lots of people still think he must of done something wrong.

I didn't mean to write so much. I'm just glad to of got it off my chest.

Well, I wouldn’t send this to Mills & Boon

You genuinely believe you had the perfect love story? Really?

That is sad. Open your eyes OP.

So this was all 20 years ago? Do you have a 20 year old step child? Yes DH was a shit for cheating on the mother of his child with you. But how has he been over the intervening years? Has he been a good dad?

I always wondered how my abusive deadbeat father of an ex got a girlfriend, this must be how.

It always confused me because I would never so much as talk to a man who had no contact with his child as there are only two reasons: 1. They don't care enough or 2. The court has said no and I'm not interested in either.

This is what I don’t understand. What lie have you told people?

You cannot possibly be this naive.

It looks bad cos it IS bad! He got you well and truly hooked didnt he? He is a lying cheating shit bag and you are a bloody fool.

Isnt that bad?! No its WORSE and I cannot believe that you have fallen for it all! Do you really believe that she is the only one he cheated on/with? There will be others, many many others.

He was awful. OP is excusing his behaviour. It actually makes OP quite selfish.

Why are you sad about hiding it?
You chose to hide it because he’d behaved abysmally and you wanted to preserve the pretence.

Nobody forced either of you.

He’s a disgrace. You’re an idiot. This is defo not the perfect love story! That poor woman, and poor child. FFS op.

OP you didn't 'have' to lie. You chose to.

Cause and effect.

You sound either incredibly naive or possibly have learning difficulties? Either way you are clearly very vulnerable and I imagine your friends and family wouldn’t be surprised you have been taken in like this.

I don’t know what you want posters to say really…

He wasn't (and probably still isn't) a decent man. To her or you.

Even though you are posting from "his corner" he still comes across as horrible.

He was having you both on, and you fell for it, to save face you lie for him.

How am I selfish?

I get that people might think I'm stupid or naive even though I don't agree but what did I do that was selfish?

Perfect love story good lord.

Perfect love story?????

You haven’t had to lie.

You’ve chosen to lie because you know he comes across appallingly and you not that much better.

That was a choice. Just as supporting him slating his ex - who he cheated on with you - to people was a choice.

You made the choice to lie to everyone to keep your fantasy that you’re the perfect love story intact. That was your choice.

“he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I loved him too much to dump him”

OP, what part of that sentence says he has any respect for you? As for “loving him too much to dump him”, he’s got it with jam in - talk about letting him have his cake and eat it. As for “lots of people thinking he’s done something wrong” - he has. Getting another woman pregnant and letting her think she’s in a relationship with him while cheating with you is pretty low behaviour. Do you have DC, OP? And is this the sort of behaviour you’d want or accept from your son? Frankly, your partner is a lying, cheating, toe-rag, and more fool you for letting him get away with it.

Absolutely fascinated by the notion that thinks a perfect love story involves lying about the man's behaviour when a baby is involved.

Just... how did this belief even start to form? Who comes up with this rubbish?

There are decent men out there.
You didn't "have" to lie- that's further dishonesty from yourself to yourself.

Ditch and move on.

You prioritised your desire for this lying cheating wankbadger over everything and everyone else - over the future of an innocent child, over the difficulties you had created for the mother of this innocent child, over your relationships with your family and friends (those relationships would be severely damaged if they found out how you CHOSE to lie to them - they'll be hurt).

You chose to trample over the feelings and welfare of many other people, to have what you wanted to have. That's what's selfish.

OP, how's your relationship with your family - those you lied to? Because unless you're a psychopath, lying - and maintaining a lie - is actually pretty difficult.
Obviously little lies are do-able; but big lies like this lie heavily upon us. It tends to affect out behaviour around those we lied to. And this is why so many people have posted that they think your family know you lied. It's very possible that they do know, but they love you and so have chosen not to pull you up over it. But - they probably know. And are hurt.

Thinking about it, he actually seems like something of a predator. His ex, he says, had problems with anorexia, cutting, drinking and drugs, so must have been vulnerable, and then he moved on to you, and you were clearly naive and vulnerable to accept him cheating and go along with whatever lie he concocted to make him look not so bad.

Have you started to realise how awful he is? Did you post this as a cry for help? Do you want people to tell you it's okay to leave him?

It is okay to leave him.

It is indeed debatable whether you are selfish, stupid and/or naive. However, you were clearly able to constructively a convincing - to you! - narrative in your head. A narrative that somehow makes sense to you because your fanny gallops got the better of you and he clearly got under your skin. No doubt he is a skilled manipulator with a nice way with words and he’s good between the sheets.

And here you are, 20 yers later, still living with the lies and craving validation.

What lie did you come up with to explain the baby?