Sad that I have hidden the truth about our relationship

[Impic]

Looking back I'm sad Iv has to lie about my relationship for over 20 years.

When I met my DH we had this immediate attraction to eachother. I just knew we were ment to be together.

But he had a girlfriend. They were a really odd couple. He was fun and outgoing and she was quiet and antisocial. Everyone said they weren't right together.

Anyway they split up and we got together. Circumstances ment that for a while wed spend a month or so together but then not be able to see eachother for several months.

After we'd been seeing eachother for about a year he told me his ex had a baby who was now four months old. He said he thought he was probably the father but he wasn't 100 percent sure.

Circumstances were complicated and probably too outing to explain but I know he wasn't really being much of a father to the baby. He could of changed the circumstances but he chose not to.

Anyway circumstances eventually changed and we were able to see eachother more regularly. He said his ex wouldn't let him see the baby because she wasn't happy about how absent hed been and wasn't happy that he had moved on.

Then out of the blue she basically publically humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby.

So obviously he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I loved him too much to dump him so we came up with a lie to tell my family about why he suddenly had a baby over a year old because otherwise they'd hate him and I would have to choose between him and them and that was impossible.

It sounds bad what he did but

1. They'd only been together about 3 months when she got pregnant. He didn't want to keep the baby and she originally agreed but then changed her mind

1. He didn't know she was pregnant when we started seeing eachother.

1. He'd been planning on breaking up with her anyway at that point and was just waiting for the right time.

1. He didn't want to break up with her when she was pregnant or looking after a small baby because she had problems with anorexia, cutting, drinking and drugs and he didn't want to tip her over the edge

1. He thought she would get the message that there relationship was over sooner and also thought that she would behave like a decent person and not publically humiliate him when she did.

I know that our relationship has always been great and we had the perfect love story when we got together but I hate that Ive had to lie all these years to protect DH because other people won't understand and even with the lie we told lots of people still think he must of done something wrong.

I didn't mean to write so much. I'm just glad to of got it off my chest.

The only ‘perfect love story’ I can think of that was any less of a ‘perfect love story’ than yours, is Katie Price and Lee Andrews.

There is nothing perfect about this.

your relationship is built on lies, its not true, solid or real

“The perfect love story”?? He is an absolute horrible misogynist bastard, and you are gullible and naive at best. Sounds like you have wasted two decades of your life on this rat. Commiserations. Truly.

Mmmm. Sounds like you're lying to everyone about your relationship, including yourself. Probably because you want to believe in the fairytale 'true love' perfect story you've made up in your head, because you don't want to admit to yourself or anyone else how taken in you were by someone you thought was amazing but turned out to be a lying coward. There's nothing perfect about your relationship. He played you, and he played the other woman. Then you made up a lie to make HER look bad instead of him. I would be willing to bet that is not the only time you've made excuses and covered up his bad behaviour in the past however many years you've been together. I'm not convinced you're sad about the lie, what you're really sad about is that nobody else would share your view of your wonderful husband (and they would likely think less of you too) if they knew the truth andf that you've both been lying for the past few decades.

"So obviously he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I was too stupid and naïve loved him too much to dump him so we came up with a lie to tell my family about why he suddenly had a baby over a year old because otherwise they'd see him for what he was hate him and I would have to choose between him and them and I didn't have the backbone that was impossible "

There, corrected it for you,

And to add, bless you that you think anyone was fooled, they are all very aware but are letting you think what you prefer.

You are still choosing to lie. You're even lying to yourself. Maybe you feel it's worth it because you've had 20 perfect years together but guilt is the price you pay for lying. I am sorry that 20 years ago you didn't feel worth more than this shitty man. I hope he has improved over the years?

Twenty years ago you thought the perfect love story was how you met. The reality is he cheated and lied and you allowed it. You list all the reasons but what about his child. It doesn’t sound like he has been a good dad. Is it likely that you wanted it to be perfect so changed the narrative. I don’t believe in perfect but your situation sounds complicated. In reality it was a long time ago you know the truth as do other people. Do you still believe it’s perfect? I think you sound infatuated with him and possibly allowed his low behaviour.

This does not sound like a very good love story to me. He cheated on his ex with you, carried on cheating through her pregnancy and lied to you both. Then abandoned his kid and got you to lie so everyone wouldn’t know what a c*nt he was. Really honestly you need to step back and realise you have been living a massive lie and your happiness is built on the abandonment of an infant and an extraordinarily selfish person.

Unusual for someone to need to share this stuff 20 years on. Usually secrets get more tolerable with time, not less. What prompted the need to share today @Impic ?

How do you feel this needs fixing OP?

Are you trying to fix it for you, for her, for the child - or what?

Well, isn't he a prince?
Come on, OP!

You both sound as bad as each other. So many lies.

I think it really was like that, he lied to her and to you. He was sleeping with both of you and leading you both a merry dance. Basically having his cake and eating it. Playing the devoted father with his ex and the devoted lover with you. And then getting you to lie for him so he didn't look like the nasty piece of work that he actually was. You were taken for a sucker you believed all his extremely flimsy excuses or at least chose to believe them to keep the fairy tale romance alive. I wonder what else he has been up to all these years?

You didn't have to lie, you chose to ,just like he didn't have to lie to her and you he chose to. I feel sorry for the ex having to Co parent with that twat - he will no doubt have been lying to you both ever since. I also feel sorry for his child having him as a father. At best you are deluded and taken advantage of complete naivety and at worst his agreeable enabler. It does sound like you deserve each other though. The time to worry about this was 20 years ago.
I would put money on the fact that that kind of level of duplicity and lies has carried on throughout your relationship.

He thought she would get the message that there relationship was over sooner and also thought that she would behave like a decent person and not publically humiliate him when she did.

He thought she would behave like a decent person? Jesus Christ, that's rich!

It's appalling for you and your husband to lie about the mother of his child like that. She doesn't deserve that. You've told everyone she hid his child from him when really, he was the one who chose "not to be much of a father" to them (your words). It's hilarious that you claim she publicly humiliated him by telling people the truth about him, when really you've publicly humiliated her by lying.

You keep saying that the truth makes your husband "look bad". The truth can't make someone look bad unless they behaved badly. The truth can't make it look as though someone neglected their child unless they neglected their child. That's what "truth" means. You've done some sort of mental gymnastics to convince yourself that a lie is a better representation of your husband's true behaviour than the truth is, which makes no sense.

You keep portraying yourself and your husband as victims who have zero responsibility for your own actions. "We had to lie." You didn't have to, you chose to.

I actually cannot believe you bought his story about how he wanted to split up with her but couldn't because he was worried about her anorexia, etc. He clearly isn't a caring man at all - he two-timed you and his then-partner, and by your own admission, he wasn't much of a father to his own child. Do you really think he selflessly stayed with her for her sake? Clearly, she was his first choice and you were the bit on the side. Once she found out the truth, he settled for you.

I don't want to go into detail about the lie we told. It's basically that they broke up not knowing she was pregnant and he didn't hear or see her again until the baby was over a year old when she decided to tell him

Then out of the blue she basically publicly humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby

This sounds to me like your DH lied to everyone, saying that when they broke up he had no idea that she was pregnant, AND that she didn't tell him that the child existed until he/she was one year old. Whereas, in reality, he did know she was pregnant right from the off, and he was free to see the child if he wanted to, but he chose not to bother.

She has set the record straight with people, and you interpret that as her publicly humiliating him. So, I presume you both wanted her to go along with a huge lie about herself, which paints her a bad light, just to make your DH not look like the cunt that he is?

Wow - unbelievable, the absolute entitlement of some people.

I know, it's unreal. He spread lies about his ex, his ex stood up for herself and corrected those lies, and according to the OP and her husband she's the one who didn't act like a "decent person".

Haha yes, it’s like he’s free to behave like an absolute trash heap but when the mother of his baby tells people he’s behaved like a trash heap, she’s the one who isn’t being decent.

Some men just truly believe they should be able to act free from consequences… and why not, when women like the OP are ready and willing to help them do so?!

She doesn't know we told people she didn't tell him about the baby. We didn't tell anyone she knows. It doesn't effect her at all.

I know it all happened years in the past but still sometimes people ask questions like how did you meet your husband and how long have you been together and if it comes up that I have a step child then it's just easier to say DH didn't know about them than explain the whole situation. Even then half the time you can tell people are thinking he must of done something for her not to tell him about the baby which isn't true.

I get what people mean about him expecting her to act like a decent person when he wasn't really but in that situation you'd think most people would want to be the bigger person. I think alot of people were embarrassed for her.

😂😂😂😂😂

You say the lies you told about her don't affect her - they did, because they affect how people view her.

Seriously, why are you so horrible about this poor woman? Your husband cheated on her with you while she was pregnant, then spread lies about her to cover up his own behaviour. You keep making nasty little digs about her, saying everyone said she wasn't right for him because she was quiet, and saying "a lot of people were embarrassed for her" because she told the truth about how he treated her. I think people were probably more embarrassed for you and him, to be frank!

I think alot of people were embarrassed for her.

I think it far more likely that a lot of people felt sorry for her and cringing for you!

Even then half the time you can tell people are thinking he must of done something for her not to tell him about the baby which isn't true.

Well, of course people are going to think that he may have done something to intimidate her if she didn't even tell him she was pregnant. But you're the ones who made that story up, so what are you complaining about?