Sad that I have hidden the truth about our relationship

[Impic]

Looking back I'm sad Iv has to lie about my relationship for over 20 years.

When I met my DH we had this immediate attraction to eachother. I just knew we were ment to be together.

But he had a girlfriend. They were a really odd couple. He was fun and outgoing and she was quiet and antisocial. Everyone said they weren't right together.

Anyway they split up and we got together. Circumstances ment that for a while wed spend a month or so together but then not be able to see eachother for several months.

After we'd been seeing eachother for about a year he told me his ex had a baby who was now four months old. He said he thought he was probably the father but he wasn't 100 percent sure.

Circumstances were complicated and probably too outing to explain but I know he wasn't really being much of a father to the baby. He could of changed the circumstances but he chose not to.

Anyway circumstances eventually changed and we were able to see eachother more regularly. He said his ex wouldn't let him see the baby because she wasn't happy about how absent hed been and wasn't happy that he had moved on.

Then out of the blue she basically publically humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby.

So obviously he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I loved him too much to dump him so we came up with a lie to tell my family about why he suddenly had a baby over a year old because otherwise they'd hate him and I would have to choose between him and them and that was impossible.

It sounds bad what he did but

1. They'd only been together about 3 months when she got pregnant. He didn't want to keep the baby and she originally agreed but then changed her mind

1. He didn't know she was pregnant when we started seeing eachother.

1. He'd been planning on breaking up with her anyway at that point and was just waiting for the right time.

1. He didn't want to break up with her when she was pregnant or looking after a small baby because she had problems with anorexia, cutting, drinking and drugs and he didn't want to tip her over the edge

1. He thought she would get the message that there relationship was over sooner and also thought that she would behave like a decent person and not publically humiliate him when she did.

I know that our relationship has always been great and we had the perfect love story when we got together but I hate that Ive had to lie all these years to protect DH because other people won't understand and even with the lie we told lots of people still think he must of done something wrong.

I didn't mean to write so much. I'm just glad to of got it off my chest.

Am I understanding correctly?

The lie you told was that he didn’t know about the baby until it was one year old. Which makes his ex look bad.

The reality is he knew and wanted nothing to do with her.

And you’re upset that you’ve concocted this lie?

And even with the lie some people have thought badly of your partner, and if they knew the truth they’d think even worse of him?

You have indeed hidden the truth about this relationship, but not in the way you think.

So the ‘baby’ is now 20? Does he have a relationship with them?

Seems like you didnt want your parents to know he was a deadbeat dad, and that you were a homewrecker. But words gets around I guess…

It was 20 years ago, I think she’s safe from rumours at this stage! And who actually cares?

Are you asking this because the child has now been in touch and wants to ‘out’ you both?

Your current situation and feelings are a consequence of you deciding you loved this man too much to dump him when you found out how badly he had behaved, and choosing to support him. I think your age and relative inexperience had a role to play there; they probably meant that you couldn't imagine a world where you weren't with him whereas an older woman might have been able to.

In any case, there is a lot of bad behaviour there and, as people have said, his ex didn't publicly shame him - she told the truth about his behaviour which had been very bad.

FWIW, I have made some serious mistakes and engaged in some bad behaviour over my nearly 60 years. Humans aren't perfect (I'm sure as hell not anyway). From what you say, this was all 20 years ago. You can't put back time; you can't change the decisions you made. It's well and truly in the past (isn't it?) so I think all you can really do is take the lessons you can from it and resolve to do better in the future.

Well why is she posting this now then? She obviously cares? Has the child turned up? Or is doing well for themselves, thus embarrassing the absent dad and making the mum look good?

Nah, they're both cunts

'I know that our relationship has always been great and we had the perfect love story when we got together'.

Erm...

If you call cheating and having a baby with his actual girlfriend the 'perfect love story', I genuinely shudder ar what you'd call a bad relationship.

The 'truth' about your relationship is that it is a shit one.

I’d have so much trouble trusting a word that comes out of his mouth. Ever.

First post nails it 🎯
You have been extremely naive and gulliable.

I think this IS exactly how the OP is feeling.

This isn't a great love story its re writing history and covering for your pathetic husband, what he did was inexcusable and you covering up is naive at best, I'm assuming you being young 20s had something to do with it, especially with him being late 20s...you do know the truth always comes out in the end don't you?

Putting the lie to one side, you found out via his ex that you had been the other woman for over a YEAR and you just accepted that? That is sinister levels of long term deception and hard evidence of a very bad person, no?
“But I loved him so couldn’t dump him” is WILD from you OP and I wonder if you are still ruminating on your total lack of a single boundary or standard for yourself back then…

How can you even think of adding "perfect love story" to the relationship with the cheating and the 👶🙀

Also, the fact that 20 years later you still feel the need to hide the facts to justify it, shows you know deep down this is all wrong

This all happened 20 years ago? It all sounds horrendous imo but surely it’s now in the past? Why does it still bother you?

Goodness me! We can tell ourselves any story we like in order to make our past choices feel ok, whether that's our choice of partner, choice to live with their behaviour, choice in how we treat anyone... And so on.

I hope you are happy and I hope his ex and child are happy.

I feel you need to draw a line under this story as it isn't working for you any more and choose your actions going forward. If this is a good and happy marriage, throw yourself into it. Make it the happiest marriage ever. Forgive yourself and him and live your life well. Put the past in the past but live a life well lived.

He also needs to do the same. If he has been a shit father, make amends, whatever the child and mother of his child needs and will accept, whether that's in time and being thoughtful and supportive, plus making sure he is fair financially .

Does anyone actually care after 20 years that you and your husband were liars?
Have I missed why this is important now?

Somethings changed. What? Are you in peri menopause? That can make the scales fall from our eyes.

This. She didn’t “publicly humiliate” him, she told the truth about the fact he’d been cheating on her and lying to her and not bothering with his kid. He looks bad because it IS bad and he is the only one to blame, not her. She has every right to tell people what he did. I’m flabbergasted you could remain attracted to this pond life of a man after finding all this out.

Oh, mate.

"Then out of the blue she basically publically humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad .."

Is a fucking wild way to start a sentence that ends with
"...and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby."

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Fair play OP

Top levels of delusion

After we'd been seeing eachother for about a year he told me his ex had a baby who was now four months old. He said he thought he was probably the father but he wasn't 100 percent sure

He should have been out the door when this all came out. He lied to you by omission by not telling you about the pregnancy and the baby until the baby was 4 months old.
He's a shit father and a shit human being.

The 5 points you write excusing him for his behaviour just sound like the typical script men spout when they've got a woman pregnant and then abandoned her to start a relationship with someone else.

Get rid.

@Impic
Does your husband have anything to do with his child now?
Do you have any children together?