Sad that I have hidden the truth about our relationship

[Impic]

Looking back I'm sad Iv has to lie about my relationship for over 20 years.

When I met my DH we had this immediate attraction to eachother. I just knew we were ment to be together.

But he had a girlfriend. They were a really odd couple. He was fun and outgoing and she was quiet and antisocial. Everyone said they weren't right together.

Anyway they split up and we got together. Circumstances ment that for a while wed spend a month or so together but then not be able to see eachother for several months.

After we'd been seeing eachother for about a year he told me his ex had a baby who was now four months old. He said he thought he was probably the father but he wasn't 100 percent sure.

Circumstances were complicated and probably too outing to explain but I know he wasn't really being much of a father to the baby. He could of changed the circumstances but he chose not to.

Anyway circumstances eventually changed and we were able to see eachother more regularly. He said his ex wouldn't let him see the baby because she wasn't happy about how absent hed been and wasn't happy that he had moved on.

Then out of the blue she basically publically humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby.

So obviously he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I loved him too much to dump him so we came up with a lie to tell my family about why he suddenly had a baby over a year old because otherwise they'd hate him and I would have to choose between him and them and that was impossible.

It sounds bad what he did but

1. They'd only been together about 3 months when she got pregnant. He didn't want to keep the baby and she originally agreed but then changed her mind

1. He didn't know she was pregnant when we started seeing eachother.

1. He'd been planning on breaking up with her anyway at that point and was just waiting for the right time.

1. He didn't want to break up with her when she was pregnant or looking after a small baby because she had problems with anorexia, cutting, drinking and drugs and he didn't want to tip her over the edge

1. He thought she would get the message that there relationship was over sooner and also thought that she would behave like a decent person and not publically humiliate him when she did.

I know that our relationship has always been great and we had the perfect love story when we got together but I hate that Ive had to lie all these years to protect DH because other people won't understand and even with the lie we told lots of people still think he must of done something wrong.

I didn't mean to write so much. I'm just glad to of got it off my chest.

Fuck me 😂😂😂😂

I think you need to talk this situation through with a therapist to help you get perspective. I say this as someone who was in a similar situation over a similar time frame. Let me assure you it’s no love story.

You KNOW those things and yet your narrative is all about him telling lies to various people (you, the mother of his child, your family - albeit that last one alongside you so you’ve become a liar too). How do you KNOW those things? They might be lies too?

You sound like a desperate fool.

Perfect love story, my arse.

it looks bad because it is bad....
i can understand your feelings about hating that you lied.
If you have to lie to your family because they would thing it bad ,it because it is bad.
You have lived a lie and thats painful.
He does sound like he treated his ex and you badly by being dishonest with your both.
You know in your heart he behave appallingly that why you lied.
Despite his behaviour, i hope things worked out well for his Ex and the child and for you.

which story has his child been told? Has the child had to be kept away from your beloved’s wider family in case the stories don’t tally?

and did you and your DH go on to have children together? which story have they been told?

you may have had the perfect love story, but your DH couldn’t be further from perfect. So I’m not envious of your picture perfect life.

How old are you and DH now because if he was 17 or 35 at the time does rather change things?

It looks bad because the man's a cunt and he's taken you for a ride.

I dont think the ex needed to say stuff to make him look bad. Because the fact is he’s a twat and deserves all the humiliation he gets. I’m certain whatever she said was true.

and he’s gaslighted you - blaming her apparent mental health conditions as a reason to not end it with her. Yes, ‘the crazy ex’ - it’s a classic script.

And you enabled it. It’s nice you feel better for getting it off your chest. But really, do yourself a favour and own it.

You have lived a lie. You chose to victim blame an innocent person (the ex partner) repeated lied about her and have shamed and blamed her. Yes you should feel awful and apologies. It’s horrendous.

This is why I can't tell anyone in real life. I know it makes him look bad but it really wasn't like that.

Another "fixed it for you"

He's a scummy man.
You didn't have to lie. You chose to

I THINK it's that the op was the other woman, and they have not presented it that way? Or does OP not realise she is the OW?

Why are you sad that you have hidden the truth? Surely the truth is the thing that’s making you sad; the truth was so bad that you felt that you had to hide it. Hiding it isn’t the bad thing, and it can be easily changed bu sharing it if you wanted to.

So what did you tell everyone - what was the lie? And why are you so bothered about it 20 years later?

OP your bar is so low it’s in hell!
This man was an absolute shit to his girlfriend, who he got pregnant and cheated on with you.
That’s awful, but he could have owned it, finished with her and still been a father to their child.
Then you could have said to people, look it’s not the best start, but I want to give it a shot with this guy and, by now, your family and friends would likely have accepted him,
You’ve spent 20 years lying for no apparent reason - are you that ashamed of your relationship? That doesn’t sound like a great love story.
All those shared occasions you’ve missed out on because you’ve kept this secret!
But that’s ok because you’ve ‘won’ this absolute oxygen thief prince amongst men. Fucking hell 🤦‍♀️

Let’s be straight.

You didn’t lie because the truth makes him look bad.

You lied because your decision to be with someone like him, makes you look bad.

I didn't post for validation or because I wanted people to say anything imparticuler. I posted just to say it and I guess I wanted to know what people would think.

He didn't father a child with her while he was me. She was already pregnant when we met but very early on and they didn't know.

It's not like we're constantly lying to people. I told my parents once and it doesn't really get mentioned. Then sometimes if people ask how we met and if they know he has an older child then we have to tell the lie because of the circumstances it looks like he was neglecting his child.

I know your all going to say he was neglecting his child but he really was trying to do the right thing in difficult circumstances and he did makes mistakes but that doesn't mean he's all bad.

Why do you want our approval?

What does his child think of him?

But he DID cheat on her with you. Dont you see that? YOU WERE THE OTHER WOMAN!

Sorry to "shout" but that is a fact. As far as she knew, she was having a baby with her partner. He can paint it anyway he likes and you can be daft enough to believe it if you want to, but the simple fact is that he was still in a relationship with her until after the baby was born, and it only ended because she found out about him cheating on her with you. I was going to ask if you really believe that he eventually ended their relationship, but clearly you do. How big do the red flags have to be for you to see them?!

That you fell for his bullshit doesnt mean that he is some sort of hero who tried to do his best, its means that he is an epic liar and you accepted his lies.

How old were you and how old was he?

But you haven’t said what happened. Youve said your interpretation of what happened. And that interpretation paints the child’s mother as being in the wrong for letting other people know the truth. You somehow in your own head decided that this means that she didn’t behave decently

from the beginning the way you describe him as fun and outgoing and trying to paint a picture of him in a positive light and describing her as quiet and antisocial clearly suggesting that being a quiet introverted person makes you lesser.

You are quite determined to believe a narrative that you’ve created your own head
The timeline is a little iffy. You said that the other woman has believed that they were still in a relationship. She would only believe that if they were continuing to sleep together right? So he’s been in a relationship with both of you. What kind of madness has you be believing that he couldn’t see you for extended periods of time? he’s been in a relationship with a mother of his child and you’ve been the side chick

The only person that’s behaved poorly in this whole scenario is him

And the person that’s behaved stupidly in the scenario is you

All those shared occasions you’ve missed out on because you’ve kept this secret

I haven't missed out on any shared occasions don't know where you got this from?

clearly suggesting that being a quiet introverted person makes you lesser.

I'm not saying she was lesser just completely different to him. Everyone said they seemed wrong and wondered why they were together.

What kind of madness has you be believing that he couldn’t see you for extended periods of time?

I can't really explain without being too outing but there were genuine circumstances keeping us apart not just his circumstances but mine too.

What lie have you had to tell? I don't get that bit.

Two decades ago…

I don't want to go into detail about the lie we told. It's basically that they broke up not knowing she was pregnant and he didn't hear or see her again until the baby was over a year old when she decided to tell him.