How to deal with the shame of not working

[catphone]

I am autistic with hyper mobility and an auditory processing disorder and likely have CPTSD. I get stress induced migraines, stomach issues that cause me to faint and inflammation. My periods are extremely painful. I also get emotionally dysregulated regularly. My sleep is terrible and I am prone to burn out. I can usually just about manage the basics but anything more than that and I start to malfunction and my autistic symptoms become more pronounced. I need to live a very simple life with next to no stress (which isn’t realistic). This year I want to focus on my mental wellbeing. I don’t know if I’ve just been through too much in life to ever work.
I volunteer online but even that is too much. If I had any sort of job I would burn out.
I know that everyone has problems but I don’t know how I could work. I feel ashamed that I can’t. I don’t know if I’m making excuses because others seem to manage somehow.
I’ve had judgement from well meaning neighbours who are otherwise very nice that I don’t work and how I must have a lot of spare time. Another person (unrelated) said my whole life is spare time.He had a suspected heart attack the other month, collapsed, and it turned out to be something else but he was still back to work shortly after spending days in hospital. I see what he’s saying but he doesn’t know that my life is a bit like living with an illness most of the time. I’m not sure how realistic this is but I’m worried I will have to work at some point because of the unsustainable rise in autism cases and they might make it impossible to claim for if most people have it. I have terrible anxiety about this in particular it feels like it’s just a matter of time and I feel a sense of doom

I barely have the energy for hobbies most of the time, I definitely don't have the energy to start a business from home right now. but I love birds and animals, making things, art, and I used to love gardening where I used to live. I'm starting a vegetable garden this year. Currently I read a lot.
I'm hoping that I'll have more energy for hobbies if my mental health improves.

@catphone ok. What do you think you can do to improve your mental health?

Fitness? Walking? Running? Cold baths? Meditation? Yoga?

Yes I'm taking an online course on evolution and another on human physiology. But I wont get any certificate, it's just out of interest and it wont be of any actual use. I didn't think it counted

But definitely do your art and read and garden!☺️ talk about what is going on with that to your neighbours if you have to talk to them!

I take hot baths for joint pain, I meditate daily and do pilates. It's part of my routine.

I didn't think it counted

It all counts! You are a student then. 👍

If I were your neighbour I am sure we would find plenty to talk about and there would be absolutely no time for me grilling you as to why you had not gained paid employment yet!

Aim to walk x amount of steps a day, write lists of which chores need done around the house and before you go to bed each night jot down your 'list for the next day'. Fulfilling these responsibilities will become fulfilling in itself, once you are doing these you can push yourself to do more.

I already do those things

The stress of some of these comments have had me pulling at my hair. Even if they say they’re well meaning they can be nasty in the way they come across but if they’re autistic they probably can’t help it. I’ve got the same problem myself sometimes.
I need more time to process, but I still think I’m just being realistic about what I can manage and it’s a human right not to push myself to the point of feeling suicidal.

@catphone try not to worry. Giving advice is a response to you express unhappiness at your situation. It is blind advice - we don't know you. Not all of it will be appropriate.

But going on your interests (which you have spoken about) there is plenty of small talk fodder. Fill up your conversations with that and there will be less room for inappropriate advice. Maybe an issue is that you are expressing unhappiness and people want to try and help solve your problems for you? Maybe not.

But you sound like you live a full life. Give yourself time to process. Live. Get healthy. It is enough.

If you express unhappiness. Not to.

My point is that is you communicate a problem, that is, complain, people will give advice. To try and help. If you don't want advice, don't complain. Talk about other things.

Sounds obvious. But it was a conscious decision, not to complain, that I made when I was receiving a lot of unsolicited advice.

So talk about your art, your courses, your meditation, etc etc. and then it's time to go. No time for careers advice.

I don’t complain to the neighbours/people that are judging me in real life. They noticed that I don’t work just by observing me and talking to me. I wasn’t complaining to them just explained because they asked. We talk about my hobbies too, but the information about me being unemployed has spread throughout the community it seems, and people seem to be bothered I don’t work and think I’m not disabled enough, just like a number of posters on here

Oh and your veg garden! Plenty of conversation there. If you get the free library app (free magazines!) there is a very interesting composting article! Bombard them with that!

They noticed that I don’t work just by observing me and talking to me. I wasn’t complaining to them just explained because they asked. We talk about my hobbies too, but the information about me being unemployed has spread throughout the community it seems, and people seem to care and think I don’t deserve it

Shit! Where do you live? I am sure I could be up for the same criticism! You don't deserve being disabled. Who does? Sounds like there is some resentment and jealousy going on there. Just over the pittance you receive in benefits! Are there some like minded groups you can socialise with that might have a modicum of decency and sensitivity? Because it doesn't sound like those neighbours do!

I said if you ask me specific questions then I can give you specific answers...

I don’t want to say where I live. most of the judgement I get comes from elderly people. Some understand and are very sympathetic, but most people don’t understand. They don’t ask much money I get, and they never mentioned money (haven’t asked me how much I get or specifically where it comes from) but I feel the judgement. I walk to improve my mobility, and do Pilates at home, but certain people seem to think I shouldn’t have a bungalow as they are for the elderly and I’m not in a wheelchair. I’ve had people staring into my windows or wondering how I pay for stuff (but without asking me). I think they must know I get benefits but probably think it shouldn’t be enough for anything above the bare essentials as they don’t think I’m disabled enough. Maybe that’s a stretch but it’s implied

@catphone sad fact but everyone gets judgement simply because there are judgmental people about. I do. I have learnt (over many years) to just do a metaphorical shrug of the shoulders.

I did an actual shrug when I went to the dentist after decades (24 years) of not going because initially I couldn't get an NHS one and then I was embarrassed for leaving it so long. But I needed to go before undergoing chemotherapy. The dentist was flabbergasted! 😂 however nothing needed doing and I just said soz! It's just a funny story now.🙂

Anyway you just have to learn to accept their views are not necessarily particularly valid...

When I spent my time supporting my DC's education (through additional needs but at uni now)I just used to do my best to imply there was family wealth...

Quite funny really. People used to ask me about how things were organised in private schools. I went to one of the largest comps in our region!

How old are you OP?

I dont feel comfortable giving identifying information

Oh please. Like it takes much energy to write a post. People who are bedridden do that FGS.

So tell us all why you have the right to government benefits in the form of the very infrastructure that enables you to work. Could you manage without roads, bridges, public utilities, low interest government backed loans, police protection, etcetera? You're on the government teat yourself, as is everybody.
Your post is ridiculous.

I'm guessing it only applies to anything that doesn't affect her or the people she cares about (if indeed there are any.)

Straw. That's not what I'm talking about and you know it. It's the assumption that she can do x, y and z just because others can do x, y and z. It's the vicious judgement because she can't. Using words like "lazy" would be a good example.

Your experience might be interesting to read about but it is completely irrelevant in terms of being able to judge someone else's capabilities. OP actually wasn't asking how other people manage to work. She was asking how to stop being ashamed that she can't.
"You actually can work, since I have problems and I can work." is neither a legitimate nor a humane answer to that question.