How to deal with the shame of not working

[catphone]

I am autistic with hyper mobility and an auditory processing disorder and likely have CPTSD. I get stress induced migraines, stomach issues that cause me to faint and inflammation. My periods are extremely painful. I also get emotionally dysregulated regularly. My sleep is terrible and I am prone to burn out. I can usually just about manage the basics but anything more than that and I start to malfunction and my autistic symptoms become more pronounced. I need to live a very simple life with next to no stress (which isn’t realistic). This year I want to focus on my mental wellbeing. I don’t know if I’ve just been through too much in life to ever work.
I volunteer online but even that is too much. If I had any sort of job I would burn out.
I know that everyone has problems but I don’t know how I could work. I feel ashamed that I can’t. I don’t know if I’m making excuses because others seem to manage somehow.
I’ve had judgement from well meaning neighbours who are otherwise very nice that I don’t work and how I must have a lot of spare time. Another person (unrelated) said my whole life is spare time.He had a suspected heart attack the other month, collapsed, and it turned out to be something else but he was still back to work shortly after spending days in hospital. I see what he’s saying but he doesn’t know that my life is a bit like living with an illness most of the time. I’m not sure how realistic this is but I’m worried I will have to work at some point because of the unsustainable rise in autism cases and they might make it impossible to claim for if most people have it. I have terrible anxiety about this in particular it feels like it’s just a matter of time and I feel a sense of doom

I’m not sure she wants your advice, mate. Read the fucking room

Once you resort to swearing to get your “point” across you really have lost the the argument

I think you need to calm down.

If that is genuinely happening, then the OP is choosing to return to this thread to make herself feeling that way, knowing she is at risk of collapsing.

So basically, the OP should give up any possibility of the next poster saying something useful and helpful and accept being bullied off her own thread?

Got you.

Yes, and also come back after a break to find that there are also even more unhelpful/judgemental comments, and she as not there to confront them or defend herself.
I think MN would do well to implement a way to hide posts (either individually, or from a certain poster). Similar to how downvoted posts are hidden on Reddit.

OP has been assessed as not fit for work, by the professionals looking after her, and the DWP.
You have no right to say she is fit for work, and should be working. None at all.
If you feel you can work, then that is great.
She is not choosing not to work - she can't

Some of the replies on her own thread have had a detrimental effect on her to the point she was not eating. How do you think she would cope trying to find work, and holding down a job?

I am not able to work either. I have also had numerous assessments confirming that, and a lot of evidence from the people involved in my care saying that. I have worked in the past, and I end up in burnout every time. I simply do not have the capacity to look after myself and work too. I keep well by not working.

I used to feel shame, but that came from people like you, who do not live my life. You are not living OP's life either. You should be ashamed about how you view people less able than you. One day, you might not be able to cope anymore.

You need to go to work. You are being lazy.

DWP assessors say otherwise but, y'know, let's all disregard the qualified professionals and instead listen to a judgemental stranger on the internet who hasn't even met the OP, never mind being qualified to assess her fitness to work.

You should be ashamed about how you view people less able than you

I really don’t think it’s helpful to anyone to rank people like this. OP may well not be able to work, but she may be more capable than others in different areas. For instance, I work but could never cope with a child or a dog - does this make me more or less able than OP, or do we just have different capacity for different things? (Which is of course fairly common with ND)

I see your point, but this particular one is about working.

I don’t really cope with them because I get people to come in and look after them for me regularly. Meals are in containers in the fridge and if I can’t cope they go to my mums. My dog is essentially a lap dog who requires no walking

I’m shocked you can work in the state you’re in with all those conditions. What do you do?
I don’t know if you’ve missed it but I’m trying to improve my mental health enough to work from home in the future selling crafts.

@ConcernedFriendgbvc56 i have read some shocking posts on here in my time on here but I am gobsmacked by yours and it takes a lot to shock me.

As someone who has similar problems/issues and disabilities as the op I would expect you to have even a small amount of empathy towards her and yet here you are telling her she’s lazy and she should be ashamed for not working because it’s shameful. The only thing shameful here is your attitude and behaviour towards a fellow neurodivergent woman and a human being, someone who has real feelings and someone who is clearly struggling.

I posted earlier in the thread. I have very similar medical issues to you with the added bonus of fibromyalgia. I haven’t worked for years because I’m falling apart and in severe pain 24/7, I’m starting a part time job very soon because I need both the money and a purpose. I am under no illusion that it will be hard and a challenge but I feel I need to do it.

let me tell you though, If my health declines due to working for whatever reason and after giving it a chance then I will not hesitate to leave.
my health is more important than anything and I’ve learned to not care what people think of me. They don’t live my life so don’t have a say what I do.

don’t think you’re better than op just because you work.

I am finding the posts set out to shame the OP for not working a real puzzle. Is it somehow the posters see shame as being productive?

As far as I see it, the only productive element of shame is it produces the humility to see that you are human and as such can make mistakes and might not understand a situation fully. The humility to therefore to take advice.

The OP has this type of humility. She has advice from professional and is taking it. She has gone a step further and is asking for advice on here and taking on board some of the solutions offered (which is correct because some are inappropriate or beyond her capabilities). She does not need 'shaming'!

The negative aspect of shame, though, cannot be emphasised enough. It is the loss of hope. People can be made to feel so bad they give up.

That should say, professionals.

It might be of some help if people said what type of work they are actually doing, with a myriad of disabilities, as that is half the battle, finding employment, that a employer will be accommodating to a employee who may need certain requirements at work, time off for appointments etc. If the Government wants more disabled people to work, then there is going to have to be more done to enable people with complex situations to do so, without ruination to their health. Of course there will always be people who will never be able to work, and they should continue to be supported.

See link to Employ Autism Civil Service internship programme:

www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/what-we-do/employment/paid-work-experience/work-experience-opportunities/civil-service-internship-2025

I have not used it before but have been getting the emails.

It is an eight week paid internship for summer 2025 in the Civil Service for about 200 autistic young people, located in various towns and cities across England and Scotland. Most roles are hybrid and will be a combination of office-based and home-working. £452 per week.

OP, can you apply and see if they can offer a fully home-based role?

I think OP is over 25.

Indeed.
A huge barrier to disabled people getting work is employers, especially with neurodivergence.
And there needs to be a system in place in benefits where someone who is unable to work can 'test the waters' with a job without facing their money being cut, or being reassessed.
I know many people who want to see if they can work, but are worried about the consequences. Heck, I know some people who wont even volunteer for the same reasons.

Thank you so much for posting this information. My nearly 22 year old ds is autistic and has dropped out of university due to not coping with anxiety and other issues and he is going to apply for this. The list of locations is available and our nearest job centre 2 miles away is one of them!

i hope others see this too, it looks like a great opportunity, worth a try.

cheers, Zoflo

@Zoflorabore delighted that your ds is applying. Sounds like he has had a rough time and really hope it helps to shore up his confidence.

I have a dd around the same age who is autistic. She wants a creative job so I was a little gutted she did not want to apply to the civil service even though it is a great opportunity. All the best to your ds.

I got the link from the Ambitious about Autism website.

There is another data and analytics summer internship with Oliver Wyman in Newcastle, in case it is of interest.

www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/what-we-do/employment/paid-work-experience/work-experience-opportunities/data-and-analytics-summer