To think that this isn’t lazy ? We all have different limits

[Alldifferent]

I was talking to my mum today and she asked what my plans were this week and I said what we did yesterday and what we are doing today and tomorrow and how thu fri sat sun will be doing nothing as I need downtime after 3 busy days . She is fully aware I have limitations due to having ASD and she piped up with ‘you’re not helping yourself with that lazy attitude ! Your get up and go has got up and gone !’

I tried to explain even though I don’t really think I should have to and she said ‘well me and your father often say we are still funding your life as we still work ! ‘ I’ve tried in the past to explain about ‘spoons’ but she always gets irritated and says ‘less talking about CUTLERY might help! You always did prefer inanimate objects to people! ‘ 🤦‍♀️

Im not lazy ??!! If my own parents are this openly judgemental to my face I hate to think what’s said behind my back.

I think we need more context. Do you still live with your parents? What do they mean about funding your lifestyle, do you work and pay for yourself, do they give you money?

I rarely have weekends fully planned, unless someone is coming for lunch/staying etc. You are allowed to not have stringent plans every day!

Sorry, I have no idea what you mean by spoons?
Also confused whether you don't work and your parents are funding you? On benefits?

No I don’t live with them or get any money off them ! They are referring to the fact they both still work and I’m on benefits.

A bit more context is needed? Are you at sahm, do you work?
Do they find your lifestyle?

Spoons is about describing how with chronic illness you can only do a certain amount of tasks each day referred to as ‘spoons’ and when all your spoons are gone they are gone , I don’t know if I can find a link to explain it better

Do you work as well as getting benefits? If so their comment about funding you is a bit uncalled for.

It does sound like you have a lazy lifestyle but that’s enirely up to you.

what were you doing in the busy days if you aren’t working?

Sounds like your parents think you could be earning and not on benefits, hence the resentment?

They sound utterly toxic.

I often seen this said on here, but the first time I have said it myself … evaluate whether you get anything beneficial from the relationship and consider going low or no contact.

Are you an adult living away from your parents? Are you financially independent from them?

If so, stop explaining and defending yourself. You get to make your own decisions about how you fill your days. If your mum asks for details, you don't have to tell her anything at all. You can deflect the conversation, exaggerate, lie... You don't have to give her any more ammunition to judge you. She clearly doesn't understand ASD and likely never will

It's impossible to comment because (a) I bet 'doing nothing' means totally different things to different people, (b) you don't say how busy your 3 days are of if they merit the 4 days of 'nothing', and (c) in any case everyone's limits are different, as you say.

I'd be pretty gutted if I had to take 4 days of nothing after 3 days of something, unless that something was extremely unusual and tiring.

Yes I do have dc! And what is wrong with a few days at home ? The dc play in the garden , watch films, paint or draw or play with their toys! They had a busy day out yesterday seeing their cousins , today we have dental appointments and tomorrow it’s a day out which just totally exhausts me and I lose speech so I have to just have time to get ‘back to normal ’ I also get musculoskeletal pain severely and IBS type symptoms after a few busy days so need to be at home as my pain levels are high and I need to be by a toilet - I think being out I’m tensed up without realising and it causes pain. If I overdo it I get migraines

Yes sahm on benefits and they don’t give me a penny !

I get the concept of downtime but 4 days of it after 3 days of activity does seem somewhat on the excessive side. By "nothing" do you mean no chores, errands, etc? You say "we" - is that children? A partner? I think if you have kids you can't really spend half the week doing nothing at all.

I think they are embarrassed of me as so often they’ll say things like ‘oh Sheila’s daughter is running her business from the moon now’ or ‘mikes son has no limbs and he works 55 hours a day’

it sounds like they think you should be working rather than claiming benefits. Only you know if they have a point.

Well not exactly those examples but you know what I mean their friends all have these wonderful kids who are doing so so well

I have an Auadhd Dd.

I completely understand. Shes gets exhausted very fast and has to have a lot of recovery time. It affects her very much. She’s just coming out of 2 years severe ND burnout from overwhelm. The only way to prevent it happening again is spoons.

As parents we support her totally. Your dm sounds like she has no understanding of her ND daughter and hasn’t bothered to educate herself about neurodiversity.

I don’t see anything wrong with it ? The kids are happy they have a massive garden to play in on the days we are home and each other for company , each week it’s 3 or 4 days seeing family or going out etc ?

Tell me you know nothing about ND, without telling me you don't know anything about being ND.

Yeah my thoughts exactly.When Dd was at her worst she couldn’t even manage a medical appointment per week.

Surely we all have different limitations and just make the best of it which is all I’m trying to do. It’s like living within a budget ? You stick to what you can afford and not get into debt . This is like my energy budget I do as much and I can without using too much energy and getting burnout

ASD isn't an illness though, and how would it impact on your energy levels?

3 days of activity followed by 4 days to recover is not a standard week's pattern to most people.

On the face of it, less than normally active, certainly. But depends what you mean by "downtime" and what you do with it? 4 days of books/tv/screens, etc is a bit of a worry. 4 days pottering around at home, catching up with housework, doing a run to the rubbish dump, tidying the garden, catching up with a bit of life admin, shopping, exercise, etc less so

I don't know, but if you are not working, and could be working, then they have a point, obviously. It depends why you are not working.