To think that this isn’t lazy ? We all have different limits

[Alldifferent]

I was talking to my mum today and she asked what my plans were this week and I said what we did yesterday and what we are doing today and tomorrow and how thu fri sat sun will be doing nothing as I need downtime after 3 busy days . She is fully aware I have limitations due to having ASD and she piped up with ‘you’re not helping yourself with that lazy attitude ! Your get up and go has got up and gone !’

I tried to explain even though I don’t really think I should have to and she said ‘well me and your father often say we are still funding your life as we still work ! ‘ I’ve tried in the past to explain about ‘spoons’ but she always gets irritated and says ‘less talking about CUTLERY might help! You always did prefer inanimate objects to people! ‘ 🤦‍♀️

Im not lazy ??!! If my own parents are this openly judgemental to my face I hate to think what’s said behind my back.

I can empathise with that. I’ve spent a lot of time working on processing emotions and I’ve noticed a lot of physiological symptoms from stress etc. Your mother sounds very dismissive and I wonder how long you’ve had to function in an environment that sounds quite stressful before ultimately burning out.

I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. I have lived with many autistic people for decades . This "burnout" concept is something new. Spending 3 days in bed unable to move is not normal!

YANBU - SAHM to 3 kids age 3,7 and 9 is a full time job in itself.
People really don't get how illness, disability or being NT affects you. I'm sorry you're getting so many ignorant comments.

Did OP say she spends 3 days in bed?

And clearly your DC may appreciate recovery time too.

Mine were different- one needed to be out all the time. One needed lots of home time. One got by on the mere mention of sleep, one struggled to stay up last 6.30pm.

Managing your own and your dc’s resources is sensible, not lazy.

Well yes that is quite a mission

Dd (young adult) stayed in bed for 3 months.

She is largely housebound.

She has to manage mental, physical and emotional energy rigorously not to get even worse. She now uses a heart rate monitor and associated app to help her to do this - getting out of bed, showered and dressed takes at least half of her available energy for the day.

Is she lazy? No, she has chronic fatigue.

It’s just hard when my own parents don’t understand but they were always anti ‘laziness’ when I was growing up and felt like this they just thought I was lazy and stubborn

I think maybe it's your description that makes your parents think you are lazy.
As the parent of children, I bet your days at home are not actually doing nothing. You are probably washing, cooking, cleaning, interacting with DC etc.
Instead of saying you will be at home doing nothing, I think you need to package it as having a few quiet days chilling with the DC without social obligations, as your health conditions and ASD require a balance of busier and quieter days.

In fact, you wouldn't be unreasonable to explicitly point out that as they are aware, you have ASD and other conditions which are exacerbated by stress, which can be brought on by noise etc. Add that you are surprised that you have to point this out to them, as you'd expect them, as your parents, to be aware of your limitations. Tell them you thought that they know how you struggle, and that you do what you can to manage your conditions and would appreciate their support rather than sarcasm and mocking.

They should be ashamed of themselves, tbh.

You don't say how old the children are, but I really would not describe a trip to the dentist as a busy day out. Your lifestyle sounds very limiting for them and your parents are entitled to be concerned about the impact your lifestyle is having on the children. If they are school age, I hope you get them to school on a regular basis in term time. Your parents may be unsubtle but from what you have written, they may well have a point.

The ableism in these comments is appalling.

I can assure you looking after 3 kids all day isn’t lazy. Even 1 kid you have your day full

Yet it is recognised in the RCP’s leaflet on adult ASD.

I wouldn't refer to it as downtime to your parents. Tell them you're having some quiet days pottering at home and you'll be doing some fun stuff with the kids as they're back at school soon.

Ok but what is OP supposed to do? She can't do any more
This is reality for a lot of people

It's like when people say to me oh your life sounds very restricted. Well yes it is, but I can't do anything about it

You won't get much sympathy or understanding here OP. There's a lot of ignorance about ASD and how it presents, especially in adult women.

I get you, though. I'm also autistic and currently on my summer break from work and have to really space things out, or I become really overwhelmed and burnt out, as well as stressed and anxious. It's taken me until my thirties to know my limits as so many people kept pushing me and telling me it wasn't normal to want to spend a day at home alone in my twenties.

Reported as ableist.

Perfectly put, and here is the OP having to explain herself to some posters who are using the same kind of judgement as her parents.

OP, I’d suggest you stop over sharing your private life with your parents because, in reality, will they ever see things differently? If their core beliefs are that you’re lazy and, it would seem, are not exactly respecting you why would you continue to give them ammunition?

The comparisons from them are snide too. Not nice.

The older 2 have 100% attendance last school year youngest starts pre school in sep

Sorry I missed the part where OP said she spends 3 days in bed unable to move, can you repost so we can see that as its not visible to the rest of us, only you? Thanks.

Many people with ME / Chronic fatigue could not get to eg the dentist or to doctors.I know of a sufferer whose dentist cones to them, but they still need to a day or two to rest both before and after to manage the interaction.

I don’t see anything wrong with what you’ve described for your kids - sounds like my childhood, and I thought 90s child hoods were supposed to be aspirational this year! I think you’ve come to the wrong place to ask though as a lot of posters on MN are doers. I am not a doer and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at 4 days with no plans. I used to get school summer holidays (as an adult) and I had weeks with barely any plans!

people attach a moral value to ‘doing’ but I’ve never quite understood why. What would you be doing in those 4 days that would be so valuable?

Honestly with that attitude, I hope there are no kids involved at your end.

Because they sound like the types who if they have/had to suffer, others must do the same or if you’re not getting up and out by a certain time, you’ve lost the whole day and that makes you lazy. My dad was like that until his own energy levels depleted around his fifties and now he gets it. He’s more tired now than he ever was when he was working and had us around.

Some people only get it until it happens to them.

Also, turning the lens back on your mother, I think people who have such strong judgments about the moral imperative of being active, are lacking themselves in some way. I mean, it might be nice to be more efficient with time but then again, it’s not a race and the ultimate destination is death - so, there’s no moral imperative to do anything with our time here. Why does she feel so strongly that laziness is wrong?