To think that this isn’t lazy ? We all have different limits

[Alldifferent]

I was talking to my mum today and she asked what my plans were this week and I said what we did yesterday and what we are doing today and tomorrow and how thu fri sat sun will be doing nothing as I need downtime after 3 busy days . She is fully aware I have limitations due to having ASD and she piped up with ‘you’re not helping yourself with that lazy attitude ! Your get up and go has got up and gone !’

I tried to explain even though I don’t really think I should have to and she said ‘well me and your father often say we are still funding your life as we still work ! ‘ I’ve tried in the past to explain about ‘spoons’ but she always gets irritated and says ‘less talking about CUTLERY might help! You always did prefer inanimate objects to people! ‘ 🤦‍♀️

Im not lazy ??!! If my own parents are this openly judgemental to my face I hate to think what’s said behind my back.

So on the ‘doing nothing’ days, you are actually parenting 3 children? Making sure they are washed, dressed, fed, get to bed at a reasonable time, help them to manage when there are upsets, wash their clothes etc? I think this is all ‘work’ and ‘doing something’ - it’s just not paid and as ‘women’s work’ traditionally, has been minimised and devalued.

Don’t give yourself a hard time OP.

If you do feel tense while out and about, then therapy might help. Just because you are ND doesn’t mean you can’t change at all, if you want to.

Acceptance and Commitment therapy might be a good model for you. It helps you to work out what matters most to YOU (as opposed to your parents for example) - what your values are, helps you to notice and accept what your brain and body send you, and do what matters most to you, within what is possible.

The Hsppiness Trap by Russ Harries is a short but good introduction. But this is just an option IF YOU want to live with more vitality. There are often online or drop in therapy courses run by the NHS in this model. But you are doing great as you are.

I wonder if your parents' response is due to a generation gap and lack of understanding. My parents have always had a very 'stiff upper lip' and 'just get on with it' mentality.

Can you highlight your achievements during your good days?

I hear you @Alldifferent
Yes, we are all different. You are doing your best with finite resources.
My adult dd suffers from this, and so do I. We cope, just, with what others perceive as normal day to day activities. Life is exhausting.

My suggestion is not to post about it on aibu, and not to try to explain to anybody.

There is a neurodiverse mumsnetters board. Stick with that because most folk don't understand. Despite so many posters evidently having SEN children

I can’t comment on the rest but I have IBS all the time not just in response to stressors. While it does limit the type of work I can do, I must be able to access a toilet without delay when having a particularly bad day, I have a full time, based fully in the office, job.

They are very religious I used to have ‘gluttony’ shouted in my face if I ever expressed hunger between meals. I used to be exhausted from school and hated church on Sundays so that was the worst kind of laziness to them. I used to say ‘but god will understand ??’ When I was quite young and I would get in lots of trouble

Quite disgusting comments on here. The OP has said she suffers from a disability (ASD) and people are laying into her for not acting like a neurotypical person would.

Why though? What is limiting? Which aspect of OPs post about what her children will get up to concerns you?

OP - There are multiple brand new accounts posting nasty messages in this thread. Please ignore/report to @MNHQ.

I think the difference is that hiking is a fairly optional, out of the average way of things activity, whereas going to the dentist, shops, taking a bus, getting out and about is just life. I do actually get what you are saying - my DD has a pretty low battery for people and socialising and I suspect as an adult she will need to think carefully about her life choices so that she can manage the job or whatever she takes on - I do worry about it.

it is a post in the thread, visible to everybody

Not autism, but ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), my partner is also misunderstood by his family. He will work for two days (office based), then have to be home for six. No pottering, no housework, no socialising or catching up. When he is down, he is LITERALLY lying in a darkened room, not moving, not speaking or eating, doing NOTHING, in order to recover is energy. This is the frustrating and sad and tortuous reality for some people. I get that many people do not understand this. It's easier to scoff, disbelieve, mock, and name call laziness.
If he could get up and do stuff, he would. This is our life.

You aren’t lazy, but you are baiting them by saying ‘thu, Fri, sat, sun will be nothing..’. It’s understandable that you do as you say they have constantly called you lazy your whole life so being around them, you now expect them to bring up your laziness and setting bait so it happens when you want it to and gets it out the way is a self-defence mechanism and gives you a bit of control over it.

On a side note, parents with ASD tend to have DC with ASD and so your DC likely enjoy days mucking about the house as much as you do.

Your parents will never understand. I’d be limiting time around them tbh. When they ask what plans do you have I’d say “oh it’s a full schedule and a full house!” You can put on the appearance of being busy without being hugely busy. Besides adults with no children or their children grown and gone are usually far less busy than any parent with kids at home!

Where?

Speaking as someone with a life long disability, I'd say she could be arranging for her children to attend holiday clubs or activities so that they are getting some interaction with other children over the holidays. The OP states that she is in receipt of benefits so some activities will probably be available at reduced cost or even free. Also look at the activities she is able to undertake to see if she is able to increase her activity load a little bit at a time. I went through a stage when I was feeling unable to do very much, but I found that gradually increasing my activity level helped me to get a lot better from a mental and physical health point of view.

read the thread.

They're a delight aren't they, no wonder we all struggle and try and mask our struggles. Even in 2024 we still get called lazy and are not trying hard enough, the irony being we are probably trying harder than a NT person as we have to adapt to them rather than the other way round

If you look at the post that was being quoted you will see its that person who said they spend 3 days in bed not the OP. The reply quoted what whey were replying to.

I can't see it. You're not lying are you?

I'm surprised at the ableism here. Even if you weren't neurodivergent, and didn't have very good reason for being overwhelmed, being busy isn't a moral or ethical principle and so if the children are happy with films, arts and crafts, reading and so on at home, then don't worry about it.

Op in mn land if your not up at 6am doing a workout while cooking a nutritious breakfast. Then togging the dc up in puddle suits or sun cream by 7.30 and out for a brisk visit to the park you are lazy. Don't forget to then come home and cook a meal completely from scratch including growing and foraging all the ingredients and then complete 2 hours of educational activities with the dc. Honestly people on here live in another universe.

Just ignore pp and your mum it's nothing to do with them.

So what do you suggest she does about it then?
It might not be 'normal' but if that is someone's reality then they deal with it the best way they know how.
Very few perfectly healthy people take to their bed just for the hell of it. And most people I know who can't handle work/ activities aren't thrilled about that.
It's absolutely shit having fatigue and the kind of health problems that mean you can't work.

You don't say how old the children are, but I really would not describe a trip to the dentist as a busy day out.

Yeah it can be! I put all our dentist and hygenist appts on same day, back to back and for OP + 3 DC (8 appointments) that is sitting at the dentist for a minimum of 3hrs not including driving time. It’s exhausting!

Just be aware that ‘Graduated Exercise Therapy’ - a gradual increase in activity - has been debunked as a treatment for the range of conditions that comes under the umbrella of ‘ME / Chronic Fatigue’. The current recommended treatment is proper intensive rest and very careful pacing, which is what OP describes.