To think that this isn’t lazy ? We all have different limits

[Alldifferent]

I was talking to my mum today and she asked what my plans were this week and I said what we did yesterday and what we are doing today and tomorrow and how thu fri sat sun will be doing nothing as I need downtime after 3 busy days . She is fully aware I have limitations due to having ASD and she piped up with ‘you’re not helping yourself with that lazy attitude ! Your get up and go has got up and gone !’

I tried to explain even though I don’t really think I should have to and she said ‘well me and your father often say we are still funding your life as we still work ! ‘ I’ve tried in the past to explain about ‘spoons’ but she always gets irritated and says ‘less talking about CUTLERY might help! You always did prefer inanimate objects to people! ‘ 🤦‍♀️

Im not lazy ??!! If my own parents are this openly judgemental to my face I hate to think what’s said behind my back.

There's a lot of talk about the blitz spirit, but we don't hear so much about the people who starved or died of hypothermia. Or the troops who faced the firing line for deserting, or those bullied and worse for refusing to go to war. Or the people who died as a result of illness, disability or the inability to care for themselves. Those people were there all right, but it doesn't really make for much of a winner's narrative, does it?

😂😂 bless you! I’m on chemo at the moment and my hair is just disappearing. I need to go to the hairdresser to get it sorted but I just don’t have it in me, so im going to buzz it myself. Soon. 😂

@EveningSpread I don't know what you mean by had to experience physical or emotional difficulty? We do experience it, being ND does not mean you've filled your quota of life difficulty and nothing bad ever happens to you.

To answer your question, I can only speak for myself, but I simply don't cope when something terrible happens. I have a breakdown to the point that I ruin my life. Then when I recover I rebuild my life again something bad eventually happens again, rinse and repeat.

For example, last year I had 2 deaths in the family in the span of a month. Had a breakdown and my life fell apart to the point that I was 3 days away from being homeless. I avoided homelessness by sheer luck.

It's a terrible and exhausting way to live.

Indeed. My grandad was clearly autistic and he fought in the war. He actually quite liked the army as it’s regimented and he didn’t have to decide anything and he was told what to do and where to be etc so that worked nicely for him!

That makes sense too!

When my grandparents both died within a year of each other my mother didn’t get out of bed for 2 years. She weighed 4.5st st at 5ft6 at one point as she just stopped eating. It can have catastrophic effects on peoples life

I can imagine that happening to my DD. That's so sad @TheOriginalEmu

I think this is partly a generational thing, as older generations have a real attachment to that puritanical productivity attitude.

With regards to if you're under-achieving, only you know if that's true or not. As an ND person with chronic illness, it's taken me a while to strike a balance that works for me. Sometimes I push myself too far and end up in burnout. Sometimes I'm too gentle with myself and aspects of my life start to suffer because I'm not pushing myself at all.

It's also partly about prioritising; I'm currently working full time and have a young child and that does mean I can't do as much "fun" stuff as other people my own age, but I've chosen my career and my daughter as my current focuses.

3 days "on" followed by 4 days "off" does sound like a very light timetable, but I'm not in your shoes.

Op a lot of people don't get autism, overstimulation, mental capacity. Clearly you parents don't understand and neither does some of the people on this thread. I'm autistic and if we do a lot of social stuff I need down time to recover. My brain goes foggy, I feel like I have a heavy weight on my body . I struggle to talk.
It's not a choice it's a physical reaction

I'm a NT parent to just one DD and never realised how judgemental people must be of me until I read this thread.
If I'm emotionally or socially worn out, I just plan a day at home.
As for the dentist, after all the adrenaline and cortisol released by a visit, too right I'm shattered after.
I am hypothyroid and take medication for depression, both conditions that you wouldn't know to look at me and I mask pretty well, but does no-one else have bad days and just want to go to bed?

Your mother needs to mind her own business and keep her opinions to herself. She’s lucky she’s not on benefits. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with staying home for four days with children, they are happy anywhere. In my opinion as an older person people drag their children around way too much these days. Staying home is also okay for them so long as they do get out to experience the world sometimes.

'@HighBuddha
I can relate to so much in this thread. The other day I gave myself a haircut because it was getting too shaggy looking, and I can’t cope with the salon'

I almost did this earlier this week.

Looked at messy hair in the mirror and decided to cut it myself as I could not face booking and going to the hairdresser.

I think I did not go through because I did not even have the energy to find the scissors! Instead I have now decided to just tidy the fringe and let the rest grow a bit to avoid the while thing.

Mixture of things, depending upon the particular variety of ND, any of the below could apply;

1. What do you think might have contributed to so many young men being shot for cowardice in WWI?
2. Might it be a clue why so many came back with Shell Shock, mute, unable to function and then institutionalised?
3. Asylums. That's where a lot ended up.
4. Barnado's. That's a destination for the 'difficult' toddlers and small children.
5. Adoption. Not all were accidental pregnancies or rapes, some would have been autistic women (or even their husbands, as they had the right to make the decision themselves) unable to cope with the screaming of a child, the smells, the trauma of birth - and some of those women would also be incarcerated in asylums.
6. Some lifestyles were more conducive towards ASD. Routines set by the amount of daylight, the seasons, fewer unnatural noises, proper dark night times.
7. Borstal and the penal system.
8. Getting themselves killed in WWI or WWII. Or decorated for heroism.
9. Physical work, more work with animals.
10. Dying themselves.

I like my hair #3 back and sides, scissor cut ≈ 4cm on top, tapered at the neck. But it's been a while since I summoned up the will to go to the hairdresser.

It's currently at mid back length.

😖

Thing is, the 4 days aren't off, are they? OP has three kids who still need taking care of. They just don't have plans to go for outings. I am a child of the 60s and had kids in the 90s. We didn't do planned activities anywhere near as much then. And still managed to be active and energetic and sociable.
I have spent time as sahm, and I have worked. I can safely say that when the kids were small it felt like i was going to work for a rest.

Yes, you have a point and honestly I only have one child (although my stepdaughter visits a lot) and Saturday and Sunday and probably the most exhausting days of the week for me! I wouldn't class going to the dentist as an outing but I also don't think there's anything wrong with spending time at home.

Thank you @NeverDropYourMooncup Great post. I think you're spot on. People with difficulties have always been around. The difference is that now we are aware that with proper support, many of us can flourish.
Society still seems to judge people on levels of busyness and on their ability to make money. There is room for us all, and we're not all the same. The fact that ND people are often considered as scroungers or lazy is just symptomatic of a sickening society which only appreciates what is currently in favour.
All the ND people I know have loads to offer!

I hope you are feeling better for posting @Alldifferent despite the bumpy start 💕

They used to end up in large psychiatric hospitals or asylums, my great grandmother went into one and never came out.
There are autistic adults in mental health facilities these days who are really struggling, and their families can't get them the help they need.

OP is doing amazingly well, my own adult child is autistic and would never cope with three children, and needs plenty of down time to recover from seemingly normal activities.
Being autistic is not just being a bit tired, or a bit worn out, it's a differently wired brain.

I totally get it and relate.. Sounds very sensible as if you didn't manage your 'spoons' this way, you'd end up with burnout. You're being responsible Re. yourself and your children. So sorry that your parents don't understand. Love and hugs xx

It must be wonderful to not know what the spoon theory is, let alone think it's, "Rubbish".

I have multiple disabilities that could be described using the spoon theory. I had a hospital appointment at the start of last week - that involved showering, dressing, getting my wheelchair into the car, going through the stress of the appointment, etc etc. I'm still laid up a week later. Literally cannot stand, my speech is slurred, I hurt all over, no appetite, nausea and many more symptoms.

It's all I can do to hold my laptop on my lap and do my work for the day, but I have to use my "spoons" for that, as keeping a roof over my head is the priority. My kids are quite capable of fending for themselves and have had a lovely summer break doing as they please - be it gaming, reading, bikes, garden.

I'm not lazy in the slightest. I physically cannot move. People who have never experienced that perhaps can't imagine what it feels like, but tey NEED to be aware that it does happen, and to many of us.

@Demonhunter thank you. I'm really surprised I've never heard it before now. I've a bone condition that causes chronic pain and my DH has a nerve issue that means he's unable to walk. My mum also has bad arthritis and I think this theory might be really helpful to explain why we can't do things sometimes.

One of the reasons I’m like I am I because of some of the above.

I imagine life would have looked similar to how it does now. My husband would keep me, my kids would be strong and independent and able to pull their weight round the house. I would do what I could, when I could. My house wouldn’t be as clean and tidy as I’d like it to be. Equally, I’d have had a smaller house, less stuff to look after, and fewer clothes to wash.

I ask this question genuinely (because I'm not ND - although I totally understand the concept of being burned out by work, or finding environments energy-sapping and intense):

What would happen if people who feel like this just from going to the supermarket had to experience physical or emotional difficulty? Like a war, or natural disaster, or experiencing the traumatic death of a family member? Is there any research on how ND people coped when we had to e.g. use outside toilets, grow our own foods, or walk miles to work in a factory for 12 hours? Or how they cope in environments where people still have to do this?

@EveningSpread
One theory about why ND diagnosis have increased so rapidly in recent years is that modern life is so overwhelming, neurodivergent people who in the last would have been able to get by and cope, are now so over stimulated that they burn out quicker and need more recovery time. All neurodivergent people are different but many have characteristics that make them very good in a crisis (there's a reason why so many people with ADHD work in the ED). There's no reason why things like growing their own food or walking miles to work would be more problematic for ND people than anyone else. In fact, growing their own food would be much more preferable to shopping in a busy, brightly lit supermarket full of people, background music, tannoys, self scan, etc!

I think it sounds like you’re really clued up about what works for you and your family, @MrsSunshine2b .

I also think you’ve got a point about the generational differences. Trouble is, we’ve only got the money in the public budget to support those in genuine need because of those productive attitudes. And it really doesn’t seem like the money is going to stretch far enough if the generations coming through are anything to go by. It genuinely concerns me how many threads we have on here from people who find modern life and work completely beyond them.