To think that this isn’t lazy ? We all have different limits

[Alldifferent]

I was talking to my mum today and she asked what my plans were this week and I said what we did yesterday and what we are doing today and tomorrow and how thu fri sat sun will be doing nothing as I need downtime after 3 busy days . She is fully aware I have limitations due to having ASD and she piped up with ‘you’re not helping yourself with that lazy attitude ! Your get up and go has got up and gone !’

I tried to explain even though I don’t really think I should have to and she said ‘well me and your father often say we are still funding your life as we still work ! ‘ I’ve tried in the past to explain about ‘spoons’ but she always gets irritated and says ‘less talking about CUTLERY might help! You always did prefer inanimate objects to people! ‘ 🤦‍♀️

Im not lazy ??!! If my own parents are this openly judgemental to my face I hate to think what’s said behind my back.

Thankyou for understanding

It's not rubbish, it's just a simple way of explaining
I use it to explain why I need to sleep after work and can't socialise

I don’t think some people get the idea of mental / physical exhaustion. Spoons is a very good concept and is useful to explain how the same activity can have different demands for different people.
My office days drain me with the travel requirements. Similarly we’ve just returned from camping and I need to pace myself with sorting out all the equipment to store again for next year etc.

Are the children school age? Do you manage to get all the house work and school run and everything done?

Why is your energy level so much less than normal? - It clearly is

I really seem to get physical symptoms from psychological overwhelm. Such severe pain where I’m tensed the whole time I’m out, Upset stomach etc because of stress and often really struggle to speak if I’ve been too busy on that can be quite debilitating so I try to avoid getting to that point

sorry, I have just seen you are a mum. How many children? what ages? playing with kids at home/in the park/ cooking with them, tidying with them, etc, that is not doing nothing.

I think my mind uses so much energy due my autism that it physically drains me

So one of your " busy" days is the dentist ? Assuming this a check up rather than root canal, this is a bit nuts and not great for the DCs, I have just been to the dentist on my lunch break- it's not a whole day activity. A down day here might be a potter to the local shops/ park, do you literally do nothing ?

They don't fund you then, so ignore their (silly) comments.
There's nothing wrong with knowing your limits and planning accordingly. Children should have down time too.

they are 3,7 and 9

Yes it is. This is what happens with ND people.

They get overwhelmed faster so need more recovery time.

There is also a link between ND and Chronic Fatigue.

I get it, OP.

She is lacking empathy.

I have a chronic illness and have to ration my energy.

Try and find different words to explain. I have relabelled a ‘lazy day’ as a recovery day.

Or a quiet day to build up some energy ready for a busy Monday.

Or ‘doing some home jobs so we are ready for the weekend’.

Or ‘the dc asked to stay home as we’ve had a busy few days’.

She may be unable to read between the lines and understand how you use the time.

This is the problem with posting this on AIBU OP. No one knows the full context and your medical history. ASD can be a full spectrum with multiple symptoms and medical conditions so it’s not easy for others to understand.

You obviously know your own limits, and it sounds like you’re doing your best.

It is a shame your parents don’t understand you fully

I think the spoons theory is a bit confusing. Battery power makes more sense to me. Or even just energy levels.

But yeah, I relate. I was called lazy and selfish by my parents growing up, but life felt like wading through thick mud to me and nothing would stay in my brain short term.
My children are just like me. One activity, even a mundane one, and we’re mentally done for the day. Dd becomes mute after an intense day.

Most people are too shallow of thinking to be able to understand anything beyond their own experiences.

Indeed.

It’s quite far and I don’t drive so 2 buses each way and I get overwhelmed, they often run late too and it takes up a lot of the day, was the only one with spaces though !

I personally couldn't stay home with no plans for 4 days but if you need to do that, it's your choice. i think it's a bit unfair on kids to not do anything for 4 days, even just an hour at the playground. And I really really hope you are married if you are a SAHM. You are incredibly financial precarious otherwise.

Jesus another one, if you have no concept of what a ND burnout is like why even bother commenting. Some days just a trip to the supermarket can leave me exhausted for a couple days. And yes there's been times where I've spent 3 days in bed unable to move. A burnout will leave you completely unable to do anything. The comments on this thread are bloody horrific.

I think you’re wasting your breath, with your Mum and on here. I get it, I have a chronic condition. I’m extremely lucky that my family are very supportive, so take my children out when I can’t. You obviously don’t have that though.
What people don’t realise is that if you pushed through they’d end up with a Mum who Couldn’t care for them at all, because you’d be in burnout. People generally have very limited sympathy for invisible illnesses. If you were in a wheelchair people would likely accept your limits.

Spoons works when you tell people that with 20 spoons for the day, having a shower takes five.

It helps explain how fast the spoons go, and how you have to ration them.

Otherwise people assume a shower is just a normal part of the daily routine, rather than something you plan for.

ND or not, why does that matter - if you don’t want to go out then don’t. Don’t seek validation on your life from strangers x

I just don’t understand why they can’t see that different people have different activity levels and can manage to do different things. For example dh parents go hiking a lot I never say to mine why can’t they ??!! But they don’t seem to have the awareness that people are different and can only work with the energy they have each day

I think only you know whether you truly need a 4 day break after 2 days out and some appointments. I dont think that this is something that strangers on the Internet can fairly comment on. If your autism gives you total burnout and you need the break only you know that. Your Mum sounds a delight...not.

Loving the disablist comments about ND people and not getting how operating in a MT world is exhausting for them.

Yeah they’re just lazy…..🙄