Neurodiversity support thread for women with suspected, diagnosed or self-diagnosed autism, ADHD and other NDs #18

[PolterThreadStarter]

As usual, latest support thread.

Welcome

I was more social as a teen. But it wasn't me. I was trying too hard to fit in and I burned out.
It didn't work anyway. I still had no friends.
I have some sensory issues. I don't like clothing where I can feel tags or seams (I wear jamas at home) and I don't like loud noises. And smell. Smell can get to me. Tuna. Urgh. I have had a meltdown before because my neighbours fed their cat tuna and I could smell it.

Empathy is a whole different thing.
I do understand things are upsetting to people and I would never want anyone to feel upset or anything, but I hear people saying "I know how you feel because...(completely different thing)" and they're called empathetic, and I'm just
How can you possibly know how someone else is feeling? You're not them, you don't have the same reactions as them. It's not possible!

I think with that empathy thing they're trying to show they care but just not doing it very well. They feel like they should say something but don't really know what.

Got a call from my GP surgery last week saying that I had to register as a permanent patient if I wanted a referral for a diagnosis appointment (had been temporary whilst at university.) Went and registered last week. So now I just have to wait!!

Hi, this is about DS1 rather than me, but does anyone have experience of night terrors, weighted blankets etc? I've started a thread in SN children but not had any responses. Thanks!

Thread here

How are we all going everyone? Still waiting to hear from Lorna Wing Centre (managed to get GP to do a referral).
I was re-reading/flicking through Odd Girl Out by Laura James and realising that my ASD is not as bad as hers. I don't solely wear one colour (she mentions only wearing grey jumpers) and don't have major sensory issues with eg lights or anything. If I have a meltdown they're more emotional, eg if I feel attacked emotionally. With clothing, I do tend to adopt a "uniform" of t-shirt and jeans, or shorts in the summer, or occasionally a denim skirt and tights etc. But then again loads do this! I will occasionally wear dresses, and probably will do more if I get a proper "job" in an office-type environment. I don't really have many "routines" in my life currently, but have always functioned best with one in my life eg school, one where I know what's expected of me and when I've got lots going on etc.
I suppose what I'm getting at is that I read stories/anecdotes by those with ASD and then think "oh they're worse off than me" and this consequently making me think that I wouldn't get a diagnosis... but then, it's a spectrum disorder, so of course there are bound to be people who find things harder and some who find things easier. ASD affects everyone differently.

I've recently taken another (short) break from MN but it looks like everyone else has too because it's gone very quiet in here

How is everyone?

Hey FaF, I am just wading through the thread but feeling very overwhelmed;) I noted that a poster earlier mentioned the empathy thing, and I have a raw nerve tingling (not by anyone here!!) based on what I have experienced since I have shared my diagnosis in what I had hoped were safe spaces. Essentially, being told that I must lack empathy which is quite possibly the most upsetting label to be given, as I have always been highly sensitive and have the ability 1:1 to offer empathy, and have an extensive background career in healthcare. Empathy is the ability to put yourself into another persons shoes, to walk alongside them in order to imagine how they may be feeling and this has always come naturally to me, and it sits comfortably beside my ASD quirks n traits. It isn't assuming the feelings or relating it back to oneself and one's own experiences (highjacking), although resonance can occur. The person who told me that I must lack empathy barely knew me (college course) and seemed to nitpick and judge me a lot based on her assumptions and fears, so she seemed to enjoy defining me by labels and making them into massive defining factors, rather than elements of me such as comments said in passive aggressive ways, complete with headtilts '''oooo, will you cope in this college with lots of people about, can you cope with travel, maybe it's good that you are not applying for the other college as it is a long way to travel etc...'' to which I'd say ''well, I managed commuting London-wide and overnight stays countrywide, and happily drive around France fearlessly so think I can handle a local college, but thank you for your concern.'' Fucktard. Comments made in a PA manner quite often, but not obvious to others - I guess it was tantamount to bullying. That was quite shitty and frustrating, although karma served it's role, as we both applied for the same further study course (psychological) and she was denied a place as she...lacked empathy, according to the course leader:D. Aaaaah the feeling of vindication! Having insight into myself (thoughts/feelings), what makes me me and reframing past, in light of fresh awareness and not being a victim is something I have always had. Being on the spectrum is NOT a personality disorder, in particular not psychopathy, and yet time and again there is confusion from some (normally NT). Not sure why I felt the need to pop by today, as I am not very consistent, but I am feeling quite low today and isolated in myself so I seek similar souls! My husband has just had Dx of HFA and my DS has Dx too, so struggling a bit even though I knew:) Thanks for reading my prattlage.

Hi, I'm new and just wanted to say hello :) I've just been referred for an aspergers diagnosis having just realised that I may have asd. I've suffered from anxiety for at least twenty years and have known that I am odd since my late teens. As I've gotten older my differences seen to be getting more apparent and I'm struggling to mask as much especially since becoming a mother. I find playgroups really anxiety inducing and struggle to make mum friends. My eye contact is dreadful at the best of times and my processing skills are fairly slow. I find verbal instructions quite difficult to follow and have a terrible memory. Both of these things can impact at work so I'm hoping that if I do get a diagnosis of Aspergers it might help me to get more support. It's been really helpful to read other people's posts, it seems like a great community here :)

Hi Arrietty
I'm similar to you in many ways. My eye contact is shite. I remember doing my German oral exam in year 9 and not being able to make eye contact with my teacher and staring fixedly at the wall behind her head! Nothing to do with the teacher (she was lovely) I just couldn't do it. As my social skills aren't great I've not had any relationships yet, so nowhere near kids, but I can imagine making mum friends being an absolute nightmare. I've got a fairly good visual memory/memory for weird facts (I was good at learning languages at skill which obviously involves vocab learning) but at times it can be dodgy. Slow processing here too, although I can feel loath to say it because it might sound like I'm stupid (which I'm not!) and had extra time in exams.
I'd say my main issues are definitely social. There have some instances in life where I've wanted to make friends with someone but just haven't been able to bring myself to do it, thinking that we'd have nothing in common or they'd find me too weird etc. I remember scrolling past photo albums of social gatherings/people's parties on Facebook and it hitting me every time that my life was not like that at all, I only had a couple of friends who were similar to me in that they didn't go out much either. My self esteem isn't great either, to the point where I often find it hard to believe anyone would find me or my weirdness attractive.
Sorry to end on a depressing note. I know through reading this thread and other sources that plenty of ASD ladies DO find partners, which gives me hope, but at the same time I find it hard to conceive it happening any time soon.

Hi toffee 1000, I think I've gotten pretty lucky as I've managed to make a few friends through flat shares. It's hard though, I've always liked to idea of making friends through shared interests but find things like book clubs really hard work because of eye contact and small talk. Running groups are good though especially if you find one that has a strong social element too.

Hi everyone, Im just back from holiday with extended family. I enjoyed it but was hard work and had no where quiet to go and 'hide' to recoup so after 1 week away I feel mentally drained and so glad to get back home to some sanctuary. On the downside i think we may have taken some bedbugs home with us which is freaking me out, and waking up several times a night thinking that there are manky wee beasties crawling over me.

Finally sent off the Lorna Wing form I got sent. Original email said two weeks roughly so hopefully I find out next week whether I get an assessment or not. Pretty sure I will, just wonder when it'll be...

ARGH BEDBUGS burn everything

Hi all. I've just had my ADOS test today. Has anyone else done this? I found it pretty difficult - i.e. Couldn't come up with a real narrative to go with the bizarre book with the flying frogs

I hate the frog book.

Yes me too. The pictures just completely confused me. However my daughter who's 13 thought this was all quite funny having used the book herself to write a narrative in year 6 which she then read to the reception kids. So I guess I can consider that she's probably NT!

I've just attempted to watch the book on you tube...I found it really disturbing. Totally going to have weird dreams now.

Yes I found it quite disturbing too. I looked at it and couldn't decipher the pictures at all. It actually made me feel quite anxious and I wanted to step away from it.

Frog book???

Hi everyone, this seems like the right place to post but please redirect me if not! I'm looking for some support / advice for my sister who got an ASD diagnosis in the last year. I though it would be helpful and help her move forward but she seems to now be on a downward spiral, she is a ball of stress and has started erupting into rages about minor issues. I really want to help her but am clueless as to how. She doesn't want to feel like this but doesn't seem to be able to move forward in any way. I am really quite worried due to previous past incidences. Any advice at all really would be appreciated.

mrsvillers It can be a strange thing getting your diagnosis. It can help in so many ways. To explain why you struggle with some things. But, once diagnosed, you still have the struggles.

I think it's quite common to struggle after dx. I had some anger towards my past. How different school might have been if I'd known. What avenue of work I should've taken.

Knowing for sure you are different. Who do you tell? Who do you not tell. Peoples reactions ....

Id recommend telling her about this thread. It really helps to be in touch with others who get it.

You sound a lovely sister.

Thank you so much deckoff and Mog for your replies. Deckoff I think that what you described is happening, she has just come out of a really crappy work situation (that to be frank didn't need to get into the situation it did and HR should be ashamed of themselves) and I know that is getting her down. I do try and talk to her and understand but there are instances when I struggle with this. For example she is furious with certain family members (actually all of them apart from me, at the moment anyway ) but I can't see anything other than that they have supported her financially and emotionally OR what she is furious about actually doesn't have any impact on her life. She had counselling before her diagnosis and that seemed to help until she stopped. I don't know if that would be helpful trying again?

Hello. I have been a regular lurker and sometime poster on the SN chat/children boards with regards to DS1, whose ASD diagnosis appt is next month. As a result of this I referred myself via my GP for adult assesment and learned today that I am autistic, though due to a lifetime of managing, only just apparently. I'm not sure how I feel about this really, having convinced myself at the first appointment that I didn't have enough traits (obviously I do) and struggling at times to like my own son because of his ASD related behaviours.

Hi Rosalux

You sound very similar to me. I've been diagnosed for nearly a year after recognising myself in my dd.

I too struggle to like her at times. Even though I totally understand why she is acting how she is.

Yes it's really hard isn't it? Particularly as we seem to have clashing sensory issues (e.g. DS1 loves loud noises, I crave quiet). I'm hoping though, that ultimately I will allow me to be more forgiving of myself and him and that once he knows about himself and me, we can work together to help each other.