Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mumsnet webchats

WEBCHAT GUIDELINES: 1. One question per member plus one follow-up. 2. Keep your question brief. 3. Don't moan if your question doesn't get answered. 4. Do be civil/polite. 5. If one topic or question threatens to overwhelm the webchat, MNHQ will usually ask for people to stop repeating the same question or point.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

MNHQ

Baby-proofing your marriage - online chat with author CathyO Neill, Monday 26th Feb 9pm

265 replies

carriemumsnet · 22/02/2007 10:53

Cathy O Neill is co-author of Baby-proofing your marriage - How to Laugh More, Argue Less and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows and will be answering your relationship queries live here on Monday 26th Feb from 9-10pm.

We've got five copies of the book to give to the first five members to join the live discussion, but if you can't make the live chat, you can post your questions in advance below.

Thanks and hope to see you on Monday

MNHQ

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 26/02/2007 21:40

yes VVV would like to hear answer to that

or what to say to fil when he turns up 2 days after the birth and says 'God Cappy, your stomach is huge, you look like you're going to have another' and is not joking

lionheart · 26/02/2007 21:40

But the book isn't primarily concerned with addressing shortcomings in men, is it?

I appreciated the tips, cod.

gothicmama · 26/02/2007 21:41

hespera accept everyone does things differently or take inturns so you clean to you rstandards a couple of times a week

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:41

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:41

Message withdrawn

Cappuccino · 26/02/2007 21:41

take out a second mortgage?

sell your engagement ring?

how is going into crippling debt and selling off your love tokens going to help your marriage?

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:42

Hespera - that's the thing, he's not going to do it just right. he's not you. So you have a choice you hold him to your standards and point out when things aren't done the way you want and the odds are he'll make a big production whenever he does do something or moan at you that you're never happy no matter what he does. My advice is (and I have to remind myself of this all the time) lower your standards. As long as the kids actual safety is not in jeopardy let him parent the way he wants to. Remember motherhood is a trial-by-fire, learn as you go eperience for us. It is for the men too!

NadineBaggott · 26/02/2007 21:43

God how did our mothers and grandmothers manage

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:43

Message withdrawn

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:44

Capp - I'm taking the writer's liberty of using exagerration to make the point that help is vital. OK - don't take out a second mortgage but seriously think about selling the ring. I am not joking. I would have and still might in the event of a third if needs be.

gothicmama · 26/02/2007 21:45

I don't think that solution would work for everyone, somethings represent different things to other people adn it also assumes the ring is worth money to sell - not everyone's are

hunkerdave · 26/02/2007 21:46

WTF sort of help do you need with one child that would necessitate taking out a second mortgage?

Triplets, maybe. But ONE?

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:46

OK in-laws ...

One of my favorite sections in that chapter is called Clash of the Grannies. It covers how some grandparents often see the other set as the "opposition" and they start competing for the Title (who gets to be called Granny, or whatever); floor space (who's given more gifts) and wall space (who has the most photos of themselves w/ grandkids on the wall). The two of you can get caught in the middle in a sort of Tug of War.

That's just one aspect. There's lots more.

NadineBaggott · 26/02/2007 21:47

what if you have a crappy engagement ring?

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 26/02/2007 21:47

Hi Cathy
Wasn't sure if you saw PeachyClair's question from earlier?

My Dh works nights,a nd I am at uni much of the day. With three kids, two of whom ar disabled and don't sleep much, this often leads to argues that are clearly rooted in tiredness and also the belief that the other doesn't quite contribute enough ( I gett jhisa lot from DH- I amke the effosrt to do any claening etc when he isn't there to maximise our time, then because he doesn't see me scrubbing, although the loo is clean, he assunes that his washing up and putting clothess away is all that gets done)

This frequently causes rows and is slowly driving me nuts, TBh- I love heim dearly but I'm not entirely sure he values what I contribute any more. Any tips?

Thanks

lulumama · 26/02/2007 21:47

there is less help now from exteneded family, NadineBaggott, women are having babies later, their own parents my still be working, maternity leave is short for many, due to financial constraints..where as a generation or two back, everyone pitched in a lot more

WideWebWitch · 26/02/2007 21:48

lol capp at love tokens.

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:48

Lionheart - no, the books focus is not addressing shortcomings in men. in fact men get a fair shake and a loud shout. Even though we didn't alawys like what they had to say when we heard a lot of them saying the same thing, we included it. We didn't want this book to be a girls bitch session, because that's not really going to help anyone.

Hespera · 26/02/2007 21:49

Yes lulumama - and also you were more likely to live near your family I guess. I don't and this is another worry.

malaleche · 26/02/2007 21:49

I think the problem is getting DP to read this kind of book actually

lionheart · 26/02/2007 21:50

I didn't really think it would be, Cathy. Thanks.

malaleche · 26/02/2007 21:52

lulumama, no-one pitched in to help my mum with 4 kids useless husband who left when we were wee and she had her own business but no time to run it, am amazed she didnt go crazy

PeachyClair · 26/02/2007 21:54

nobody helped my Gran either- and she was disabled with sixteen and an alkie for a H. Thank goodness time have moved on somewhat

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:54

Reply for Peachy Clair,

My heart goes out to you. You have a hell of a lot on your plate. Here's a few thoughts in no particular order:

At least one night a week go to bed the same time as your kids. When you're not getting enough sleep your threshold for dealing with the smallest problems gets really low, so try to get as much kip as you can.

Try to take a team approach with your partner. As in all this work/crap is the enemy; not you. I know that is really, really hard but honestly the pile of work you have to get through is the enemy.

If you can, sit down with him and make a list of everything that needs to get done on a daily, weekly. monthly basis from the small stuff like paying bills to the big things like picking out schools or whatever. Then Divide and Conquer. Assign different responsibilities to each other.

Give each other Time Off. You both need some down time. One morning at the w'end he takes kid duty so that you can just lie in bed or read a book or whatever, the following morning you do the same for him.

Be nice to each other. Just start with "how are you love?" take 10 minutes to just talk about nothing at the end of the day before dealing with the "administration of the empire" ... leaky roof, bills etc.

Ask for help and accept it. Friends, relatives. people are usually flattered to be asked and like to have an opportunity to show how much they care.

malaleche · 26/02/2007 21:54

Hespera - i live many many miles from my family and inlaws and it is very hard, you need to find some friends without kids who'll take them out or babysit sometimes