Baby-proofing your marriage - online chat with author CathyO Neill, Monday 26th Feb 9pm

[carriemumsnet]

Cathy O Neill is co-author of Baby-proofing your marriage - How to Laugh More, Argue Less and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows and will be answering your relationship queries live here on Monday 26th Feb from 9-10pm.

We've got five copies of the book to give to the first five members to join the live discussion, but if you can't make the live chat, you can post your questions in advance below.

Thanks and hope to see you on Monday

MNHQ

[JARM]

Ok, a question....

How can I get the same attention from my DH as he gives the girls?

The girls rule him 110% and I actually feel jealous of the attention they get over me.

Wise owrds appreciated.

[NadineBaggott]

well lulumama, like everything in life that's true for some and not for others. My mother got no help. Hell they managed when there was a war on!

[lulumama]

sometimes you just have to get through it, anyway you can....nowadays, we expect so much more!! and rightly so i think ! having a baby is such a life changing experience for all concerned. But it is sometimes irksome to have to ask for help. especially from a DP / DH !

on that note, thank you very much Cathy....will catch up on the rest tomorrow

[NadineBaggott]

JARM, don't they ever go to bed?

[JARM]

Of course they do, by which time I am shattered and want to do NOTHING!

[jeangenie]

Nadine, I thought that about the ring too. Or, God Forbid, you don't have one (obviously didn't give enough BJs earlier in the relationship methinks)

[PeachyClair]

Ctrahy- thanks! That amde an awful lot of sense you know- I will pnt Dh towards this!

[CathyONeill]

How did our mothers and grandmothers manage?

I think one of the reasons it seemed so much easier for them is that they didn't have the expectations that we all have ... career, house, material things, a real domestic and parenting partner. So they weren't as disappointed! Also, many of them started having babies in their 20s a lot of us wait until our 30s after at least a decade of doing our own thing and it's hard to embrace the self-lessness of parenthood. Also, if you end up staying at home after working for a decade you can experience Whiplash - the sensation that you've been yanked back to the 50s. I don't think our mums had that.

[TheArmadillo]

You say your book is divided by giving the male and female perspective.

Why did you decide to do it that way?

Do you not feel that would discrimate against same-sex couples?

Does it not discrimate against those relationships where the father is the main carer or takes on the traditionally female roles?

Why did you put marriage in the title? What about those of us who are not married? For a start that would put me off the book?

[malaleche]

My mum was disappointed, she expected my dad to pul his weight financially if nothing else.

[OliviaMumsnet]

And a couple more from below, Cathy:
One from Maggi:

How do you deal with very different views on discipline? I had agreed with husbands authoritarian and smaking approach but since becoming a childminder I have had to become fully devoted to the 'correct' method of positive discipline. This leads to many arguements between us of the nature of "I'm not being told how to bring up my kids by someone who wrote a book" which is my husbands view. How do I get him on my side all the time and not just when mindees are in the house?

And one from MummyPenguin:
How do I get my kids to toe the line? They are 11, 8 and 7. A girl and two boys. They are causing a lot of grief at home at the moment with their fighting (the boys, mainly) squabbling, laziness, not listening to us, having to be asked a hundred times to do the simplest thing. My Daughter (the eldest) won't keep her room tidy, and that is a source of constant friction.

It has got to the stage where my Husband and I feel like we are 'a family in crisis'. He in particular, is quite depressed about the way things are right now.

How do we communicate with them, without shouting, to make them see that we are fed up with their behaviour and the way things are, and we want it to change for the better? We all need to work together on this, but how do we make the kids realise that? What changes should we make? The youngest is very immature for 7, so is quite difficult to 'get through to.'

[NadineBaggott]

nowt wrong with the 50's


"So they weren't as disappointed"

could be they were a good deal happier too.

No chasing up school league tables
Not having a whole class round for a 5th birthday party
No deciding what the frig was going in a party bag
Not having to manouevre a 4x4 into a teeny parking spot on the school run
Not having to resort to ready meals
Not having to look like the latest catwalk beanpole
blah, blah, blah

[CathyONeill]

JARM,

You asked how to get as much attention from your OH as he gives your girls. You need to get him away from the kids. Put a little distance between the two of you and them. While it's lovely that he's revelling in fatherhood, he does need to revel in husband-hood occasionally. If you can swing it, get away for an overnight stay. If not, an evening out would be a good start. Also, it probably wouldn't hurt to give him the same adoring look that your daughters are probably giving him!

[malaleche]

Talk about Whiplash - after i gave birth the first time i felt like i'd been yanked back to prehistoric times, nothing like having a baby to put you firmly in your biological place...but still no excuse for DP not pulling his weight in this day and age

[malaleche]

Mummypenguin - without taking away from anything Cathy may say - buy this book: 'How to talk so your kids listen and listen so your kids will talk'

[malaleche]

or 'Siblings without rivalry' by the same authors

[Pann]

malaleche - who is the author - can you remember, please?

[CathyONeill]

I'm a bit reluctant to answer any parenting related questions because to be perfectly honest I'm still figuring all of that out myself! But I can say that in terms of how it impacts your marriage, disagreeing on how to discipline the kids is very undermining for the couple. I think it would help to start by listening to your husband, let him see that you are trying to understand why he thinks the way he does, he'll be more receptive to what you have to say if he feels that you are really trying to understand where he's coming from. Could you try to do things his way for a month to see if things are acually better with the kids. Assuming, that is that you are not all out opposed to how he wants to discipline. Could the two of you come up with a compromise style that incorporates some of his ideas and yours? Remember that at the end of the day you both want the same thing - to raise happy, healthy kids. Good luck!

[malaleche]

Elaine Maslish and Adele Faber i think

[carriemumsnet]

Hi all

Well officially Cathy's time is up. Thanks to everyone for contributing and to Cathy for all the top advice. Hopefully Cathy will manage to answer the last couple of questions before disappearing - but if not I'm sure there are plenty of mumsnetters ready with some words of wisdom.

We'll try and get a transcript up in the next couple of days.

Night Night and thanks again to everyone

MNHQ

[NadineBaggott]

"If not, an evening out would be a good start."

but she said she was knackered when they went to bed

do people pay for this advice?

[Pann]

thanks.

[CathyONeill]

A friend today mentioned a book called One, Two, Three Magic or something like that. She said that it has really helped her with disciplining the kids. I haven't read it myself. Also, I liked that Siblings Without Rivalry Book.

[funnypeculiar]

Thanks, night

[CathyONeill]

I'm signing off now. Thanks for having me. If you're interested in reading an excerpt of the book, you can find two at
www.babyproofingyourmarriage.co.uk

Cheers,

Cathy