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WEBCHAT GUIDELINES: 1. One question per member plus one follow-up. 2. Keep your question brief. 3. Don't moan if your question doesn't get answered. 4. Do be civil/polite. 5. If one topic or question threatens to overwhelm the webchat, MNHQ will usually ask for people to stop repeating the same question or point.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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WEBCHAT GUIDELINES: 1. One question per member plus one follow-up. 2. Keep your question brief. 3. Don't moan if your question doesn't get answered. 4. Do be civil/polite. 5. If one topic or question threatens to overwhelm the webchat, MNHQ will usually ask for people to stop repeating the same question or point.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Mumsnet webchats

Baby-proofing your marriage - online chat with author CathyO Neill, Monday 26th Feb 9pm

265 replies

carriemumsnet · 22/02/2007 10:53

Cathy O Neill is co-author of Baby-proofing your marriage - How to Laugh More, Argue Less and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows and will be answering your relationship queries live here on Monday 26th Feb from 9-10pm.

We've got five copies of the book to give to the first five members to join the live discussion, but if you can't make the live chat, you can post your questions in advance below.

Thanks and hope to see you on Monday

MNHQ

OP posts:

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FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:19

Message withdrawn

funnypeculiar · 26/02/2007 21:20

A question - are we aiming necessarily for things to be 'the way they used to be'? Is that useful? Realistic? I think dh and I now have a very different LIFESTYLE (ito going out for eg) but a stonger marriage.... Agree with the idea that at some point there is a need to reclaim your relationship as adults (not sure I'd say 6 mths, but hey

Pann · 26/02/2007 21:20

agree with VVVQV. As a male, if I'd have though a BJ was about a 'quick fix', or being bought jewellery....it would cheapen me and whateverthe sex in a rel. meant.

it makes vast assumptions the size of an ocean about men and their 'sex needs'..pandering to a stereo -type.

Cappuccino · 26/02/2007 21:20

has this thing kicked off yet?

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:21

Message withdrawn

Monkeytrousers · 26/02/2007 21:21

Is this on now? I'm just about to go out dwg it!

Monkeytrousers · 26/02/2007 21:21

Oh shurrup Cod!

WideWebWitch · 26/02/2007 21:21

Are we back in the 50's? Have I slipped through a gap in the fabric of time?

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:22

Message withdrawn

Cappuccino · 26/02/2007 21:22

there must be other points other than the blow job one

what are the other points?

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:22

Best piece of advice ...

Not sure this is advice but it meant a lot to me when I realized that I was not alone. That the things I was annoyed about we're universal, that every man and woman we spoke with seemed to be going through the same thing, that in some respects we're all hanging on by a thread. That was hugely comforting - realizing that I was normal.

Also, realizing from speaking with couples who were 10/20 years ahead of us at this parenting thing that it really does get easier and that these early parenting years can actually be the most challenging years for a marriage. Their advice was to just hang in there becuase it gets better and it is worth every minute.

lulumama · 26/02/2007 21:22

the whole housework / sex thing....

if DH actually helps, it makes you feel more like a partnership., a couple, rather than seperate entities, who are 'mum' and 'dad'

wads · 26/02/2007 21:22

Cathy! Type quicker!

Monkeytrousers · 26/02/2007 21:22

joke

don't flounce becasue of me, I'm too delicate these days and couldn't stand the guilt

malaleche · 26/02/2007 21:23

And do you assume that things were great before the kids came along? What about people like DP and me who'd been together 15 years before 1st kid and didn't have a particularly great relationship, any tips for rejuvenating a very old relationship?

hunkerdave · 26/02/2007 21:23

I think if you scorekeep within your marriage, you probably have deeper issues than "am I not gobbling his chesney often enough", frankly.

WideWebWitch · 26/02/2007 21:24

We need men to accept that 50% of the responsibility for the boring crap that goes with having children is theirs. It's not 'helping' if they bath their OWN children, the same as it's not babysitting if they look after them.

Without that as a basic premise no wonder many women hate their marriages post babies.

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:24

Message withdrawn

Plibble · 26/02/2007 21:24

I agree that sex is an important part of a relationship and can be even more so if for some reason there isn't much.
But I really hate the presumption that it is always the woman who is not up for it and can think of a number of my female friends who complain of their partners' lower sex drives.
If you can't rely on a blow job to fix things, what then? Are you screwed (pardon the pun)...

lionheart · 26/02/2007 21:24

It still makes a sexual relationship sound like an economic exchange: he bathes the children, cooks the dinner and then she'll offer the sex.

I wonder why there weren't any books that addressed these issues when you were looking for advice, Cathy.

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:24

Honestly, I don't want the bj to hijack the whole discussion. If you don't like it .. don't do it. Some of my best friends lobbied to get that page taken out so I understand where you're coming from. But seriously, it's not meant to be taken so seriously. The book includes a cost/benefit analysis of the bj. We're having some fun, not trying to turn the clock back.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/02/2007 21:24

Do you think your book sits well with feminism?

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FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:24

Message withdrawn

marthamoo · 26/02/2007 21:25

Mmmm, I'm not sure I like the idea either. The whole 'trade off' aspect of it - if men 'help' (grrrr) around the house a bit more then we'll be more inclined to put out. Smacks a bit of "I'll take you out for a slap up meal lovely lady and then you will be obliged to have sex with me" - and that surely went out in the 70s.

My experience is: life with a new baby is shit, you will hate your dh/dp and your life...you will feel like you never want to have sex again (it was about 9 months for us - mind you, I did have severe PND) but...gradually...things will get better and then...KABOOM...you think it would be a good idea to have another baby and the whole damn thing starts over agin

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:25

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