Reassure me - what's the worst thing your DCs have said in public?

[bethylou]

Whilst feeding DS2 (11 weeks) early this morning, DS1 (2.1years) was watching the Tweenies and the characters were pinching each other. He and I chatted about how pinching is naughty etc..

We went to the post office at lunchtime where he proceeded to lie on the floor screeching, "Don't pinch me Mummy!" at the top of his voice (because I had intervened in his attempts to empty a huge display of cotton reels). I obviously wasn't pinching him and hopefully people could see that, but it sounded as if that is what I usually do.

Reassure me that your DCs have said similarly embarrassing things. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, said, "I would never pinch you sweetheart," and left as quickly as a toddler, 11 week old and mum can do!!

Another one that Saltire has reminded me of...

In the hospital, waiting for a blood test. DD about 18 months.

Sitting across from us is a woman in a full burka, everything covered but the eyes.

DD is burbling away around my knees, when I suddenly tune in to what she's saying. She's tapping my leg, pointing at the woman and saying

"Weirdo, mummy! Weirdo!"

I go "Sssshhh!!"

She pulls at me in frustration and says in a piercing voice "Mummeee, WEIRDO!!!"

I think we can safely rule out a career in International Diplomacy....

(In my defence I totally blame DH for calling DD a 'little weirdo' as a term of affection...)

DS in coffee shop spills a bit of his juice
"oh bugger mummy, I've spilt some"

I have sat here laughing so hard I'm crying and all I can hear from DD (3) is "mummyyyyy what's so funnyyyyyyy?"

I have two which have caused me the same amount of shame and embarassment.

DS1 was about 5 and we were in a quite busy pool changing room. I was busy getting myself and DS dried when he said 'Mummy, do you want to see a Mushroom?', quite distracted I said yes, so he then proceeded to pull his foreskin back and shout 'Mushroom' at the top of his voice while wiggling around doing some hoochy dance!

Again, DS1 on a packed bus. He was a bit older then, about 6.

'Mum I know what sex is'
'Lets not talk about it now' (as quietly as I can)
(Louder) ' But I do know what sex is, its where a man and a lady are naked and they kiss and cuddle in bed.(He then mimed french kissing) but I know that you and dad dont have sex because you always wear Pyjama's.'
The whole bus was looking, and I was bright red.

Why must they come up with these things when we are in public?

DS1 was about 4 (he's 15 on Monday) and we were in Church one Sunday morning. He was sitting at the front with the Sunday School nursery class and DH and I were about half way up the aisle while my PIL were sitting up the back.

The Minister was standing in front of the Sunday school giving his childrens talk when DS gets off his seat, stands in front of the minister and shouts;

"MUMMYYYYY!! I NEEEEEEEEEED A POOOOOOOOOOO!!

The congregation roared with laughter while my MIL ran up the aisle to take DS out to the toilet. The minister was helpless for quite a while and his wife sat with her shoulders shaking for the rest of the service.

DS has never been allowed to forget this one .

ROFL at "I want to live" and "Fuck off, grandad"

In supermarket DS (6) see's man with one leg, on crutches.

Exclaims loudly, "look mummy, that man has only ONE LEG!"

(at time his Grandma helped at a disabled sports club and we were often involved too and DS knew lots of people with various disabilities)

me, quietly "yes but you know lots of people that are different, like Dave in the wheelchair...?"

DS, gleefully "yes mummy I know people with NO legs. But this man has ONE LEG!!"

Out for the day with 5 year old DD and school friends.

A group of ladies dressed in burkas walked past, small girls start discussing the attire.
Loudly and with great authority DD informs the other girls, that "those ladies are all lesbians, my mummy told me".

Mummy had shown her 'photos of our Middle East holiday including a lovely Lebanese lady tour guide.

When my ds was in reception I used to help out in his class one day a week.

One day they had a supply teacher in, and after break she got out a book to read them a story. Before she did she told them a bit about the author and said "she was a granny when she wrote this book," to which one of the kids piped up, "Like you."

F* off grandad is fantastic (for us, not you obviously)

Back in the 70's friends of my parents turned up in their new Rolls Royce. My sister ran to the front door to greet them with "mummy says you're only here to show off your new car"

DS is pretty nonverbal ATM but he does say a few things (mostly car, tractor etc. ) however one unfortunate phrase he has picked up is 'wanna ride' (as in 'would you like to go on the ride on toy).

This morning we went shopping and he chased an elderly gentleman through the shopping centre yelling 'wanna ride? Wanna ride?' as the man was in an electric wheelchair

oh goodness i am weeping with laughter

ds (aged 5 at the time), local police representative comes to school - burgalry comes up in conversation, policeman made comment about locking fronts doors and keeping safe. Ds pipes up with great authority "you must lock the back door too and the windows".

The police man commented how sensible my son was to which he responded

"yeah well the back windows are the easiest to jimmy open with a screwdriver then mummy can boost you through the window to go and unlock the front door as long as the keys are there".

WE WERE LOCKED OUT OF MY OUR OWN HOUSE AND MY HUSBAND WAS AWAY WHEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!!

Have since met the very nice police man who said he told everyone at the station about the junior master criminal.

oh just remembered another one.

Dh took his van to go help a friend move some stuff and took DS with him - DS must have been about 5

Friend gets inthe van and DS turns to friend and says dad says your a bloody pain in the arse always wanting to use his van

dh just laughed and said i didnt say that cue DS yes you did daddy you said he was a pain and you were going to charge people for using your van

When out shopping with Ds (2.5) he amuses himself by farting very loudly, and the pointing at me saying 'haha, mummy farted'

charming child.

Oh that's reminded me of another police one: the community officers came to dd1's infant school to give a talk about their work. And the end, nobody asked any questions except dd1, who, after much thinking, piped up "So, do you like doughnuts then?"

I knew I shouldn't have let her watch The Simpsons...

Not me (thankfully) but a dear friend...

She had a "clash" with a form teacher; and became quite irrate when discussing it with her DH that evening. It was an ongoing saga.

She thought that DC's were out of ear shot.

The following day her DS told the teacher that "his Mummy thought that she'd had a really good thumping with the ugly stick"

ROFL
Can this one go in the Classics?
DD doesn't say very much just yet but I am waiting for the day!

gladitsover - I picked up my son in a shop when he was about 2 as he was refusing to leave. As we walked past a woman he held out his arms to her and shouted "Help me lady!"

lol!!! what did the woman say???!!!

I have told this before, but here goes again.

Picking up dd from nursery one afternoon i get taken to one side for a word. Apparently ddd told everyone that when she and mummy had a bath (we quite often share a bath), mummy lets dd wash her pussy.........

I have 2 pussycat tattoos.

How the ground did not swallow me up i do not know and i have gone red just remembering the incident

When my brother and i were little, we were in the doctor's waiting room which was, as these places usually are, very very quiet. My brother, who was probably about 3 at the time, suddently stood up, did some sort of lunging movement and shouted at the top of his voice 'BIG FAT BOOOOBIES'. To say my mum was mortified was probably an understatement.

Loving this thread, very funny.

PMSL @ some of these....so glad DD has grown out of this now...well mostly

but she's done some real doozies in the past

@ 2, all angelic looking, curls ribbons & pretty dress toddling down the road & a coach load of elderly tourist getting of their coach as we passed, spotted her & started cooing over how pretty/cute she looked........

She suddenly took of running after a pigeon that had landed near a bin...Screaming at the top of her voice.... "get out of it, you f'ing dirty smelly B@stard ,,,,,ground open up now please, I could hear the tuts & FEEl the old dears looks of disapproval at "Chav Mum from hell ...... I wouldn't mind but I'm not really a swearer & I've always been very careful never to swear in front of here, DH the same

A large lady walking down the street in front of us, wearing a shocking pink skirt....DD @ 2,1/2...MUMMY, THAT LADY IS TOO FAT TO BE WEARING A SKIRT THAT COLOUR, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HER........like it was something I would normally do

At 3, she regularly told people off in the street for swearing, complete with hands on hips & wagging finger......especially a group of local winos who took to sitting outside our supermarket for a while..... & would she be dragged away quickly....no chance.

@ 4, On taking money out of cash point, & someone begging nearby begging me for money, she turned on him, hands on hips & finger wagging, & gave him a lecture on getting a wash, & working for his own money like Daddy did

LOUDLY in the poolside shack of a toilets on Holiday....MUMMY WHY HAVE YOU GOT ??? SPIDERS LEGS HANGING OUT OF YOUR KNICKERS

I could go on & on.....she's always had plenty to say for herself....still has

& laughing at the child abuse ones, seems thats not uncommon....when our friends Son fell & banged himself badly & had to go to A&E...there Daughter, 3 at the time told the Doctor...Daddy punched him

not my DS thankfully but when i was about 18 in pub with boyfriend.

Boyfriend came back from toilets with massive grin on his face and said that little boy over there just turned round to his dad when we were both at the urinals and shouted really loudly "why has that man got a bigger willy than you dad" "why dad" "why" "dad why arent you answering me"

Cue lots of hysterical giggling by me and boyfriend and him trying to show me which man it was

I feel really sorry for the dad now that i have my own 3 monsters

I've just spat my wine all over the keyboard puddytats!!!