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Original poster

I am a twat, I am a twat

167 replies

differentID · 21/09/2009 20:25

yes, please all come and point at this twat in the corner!

My dh has just come in from work and noticed the iron was on.

I didn't unplug it after using it this morning before 8am, and didn't even realise though I have been home for 2 hours!

Can anyone beat that or just come and point and laugh at me please?

OP posts:
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 25/09/2009 16:55

DH came home at tea time to find the gas hob was on (low light) under an empty frying pan. Was very cross that I'd left it on since lunch time. Didn't dare tell him it had been on since breakfast. How it didn't burn the house down I have no idea.

StretchFucksTheMailDaily · 25/09/2009 16:56

My mother once left the hob on low, didn't realise and put the plastic flour tub on top! Burnt plastic is hard to get off hob rings, burnt flour is harder!!

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 25/09/2009 17:00

Oh and years ago when I was 18 I went out with a friend in town one night. I parked my car in an estate agent's carpark. Got back and the barrier was down.

Walked up to the police station to ask for help, 2 officers came back with us. I was really upset thinking I couldn't get home. The police officers pointed out if I tried driving the car up to the barrier then it would open automatically. It did!

OrangeFish · 25/09/2009 17:01

Have you been sitting inside a car wondering why why why the keys you used to drive it there do not work anymore? Well, because it was NOT my car

OrangeFish · 25/09/2009 17:02

Oh and another ocassion I thought my car had been stolen, get the staff from the carpark involved, went to call the police and find my car parked... in another carpark...

TitsalinaBumsquash · 25/09/2009 17:13

I left the Gas on in our old oven without igniting it, then i went to investigae and found my food hadn't cooked and realised i hadn't ignited the Gas so with my head still in the oven full of Gas i pressed the ignite button and my hair went up in flames and so did my face, that was damn painfull and extremely twatish.

I sniffed hot tea up the spout of the teapot up my nose when i was a teen and burnt my throat, inside nose and lip really badly.
I wanted to see if i could smell if it was ready

2 weeks later from the tea incident i licked the ice cube tray and got my toung stuck, i then panicked and ripped it oof along with half my toung. I was in hospital a lot as a child/teen, my parents were very nearly investigated by ss because i was hurt so often, it was me the whle time being a twat.

I am always leaving the Oben on though, i also pu my sons nebuliser in our microwave steriliser, it has alot of metal in it and melted everything and blew up the microwave.

ProfYaffle · 25/09/2009 17:15

I have left my car doors wide open, came home hours later to find slightly wary neighbours circling the car.

Have GIVEN AWAY dh's wedding ring by accident.

Once locked myself out of boyfriend's bedsit after a night-time toilet visit wearing a jumper and nothing else.

iirc the 80's were fab for hair related twatishness. Friend of mine had full on hairspray/backcombed number, was distractedly flicking her cigarette lighter in bored kinda way, stray spark lept into her fringe - carnage.

Original poster
differentID · 25/09/2009 17:18
OP posts:
newspaperdelivery · 25/09/2009 19:05

I'm very sorry for the physical agonies you seem to have suffered but......pmsl.

mushel · 26/09/2009 23:08

Parked on top of a hill, forgot to apply handbrake and my car later popped out of gear and rolled down the street, hitting one parked car, bouncing off it and into another. There were only two cars parked in the street at the time, and my car managed to hit both of them.

Also once reversed into a parked trailer which came loose from its chocks and careered down the hill, landing upside down in our neighbour's front garden, where their kids usually played. (that one still makes me feel sick).

Stuck my knife into the toaster when buttering bread (we keep the butter next to the toaster).

maxybrown · 02/10/2009 20:37

Well I have done loads of these things I have to say, but my favourite was a parent at a school I worked at years ago. She dropped child at nursery with us. Went to supermarket with baby, walked home and realised car had been stolen, rang police etc......they found it on the co-op car park......WHERE SHE HAD LEFT IT before walking home!!!

whomovedmychocolate · 10/10/2009 08:55

Was stuck in traffic with very entertaining friend so decided to turn off and go through carwash so we had an extra few minutes to talk. She was telling me about her surfing holiday and the story was so vivid, I could almost feel the warm waves.

It was then I realised it's a good idea to close the sunroof before entering a carwash

TigerFeet · 10/10/2009 09:09

I once left the keys of a rented car hanging out of the boot lock overnight. Car was parked on a busy road. Amazingly the car and the keys were still there in the morning. I have never felt so releived and lucky in my life.

DH does a very nice line in leaving the keys to the house hanging on the outside of the door.

Amazing that we have any possessions left

ibangthedrums · 12/10/2009 21:50

I used to leave my door key under a stone in my garden when I went out drinking to try and avoid twattish "Oh no lost my keys!" late night incidents.

One early evening the taxi comes, I pull the door closed which then automatically locks. I put spare key under the stone and then realise I had left normal key in the lock on the other side so am now efectively locked out.

I had left my bedroom window open on "tilt" ie with a small opening at the top. Cue a full on comedy incident involving the taxi driver scaling the side of my house on a neighbours ladder. Rest assured you cannot get through a window on tilt. Taxi driver then had to break my back door window and force the lock.

What a twat you may think, but only a real twat would then do the same thing again. At least the second time I knew to go straight for the back door window. TWAT

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 12/10/2009 21:58

Titsalina, sorry but I am rofling at the image of you snorting hot tea up a teapot spout Wtf were you thinking?

A surprisingly low level of twattery from me, considering how clumsy and forgetful I am. As a uni student I did leave a small lamp on for two days, buried under a pile of coats that had been thrown on top of it when we got home from a night out. The bulb burnt a fetching semi-circular pattern through my ratty astrakhan coat and was scorching hot when I unearthed it.

SparkyfartDust · 12/10/2009 22:04

when bf'ing and extremely sleep deprived, I plugged (what I thought was) the expressing machine in, cupped the pump to my to my breast and put my finger on the 'on' button, was about to press when, for some blessed reason I looked down to see TO MY HORROR, that I had in fact plugged in, and held to my breast THE ELECTRIC HAND BLENDER.

argh, the thought of what nearly was makes me shudder still.

iwascyteenagewerewolf · 12/10/2009 22:06

Oh my god Sparky, what a terrifying image

callaird · 12/10/2009 23:46

Jujubean77 Ow ow ow ow ow!!!

I have gone shopping to Waitrose, walked around with an armful of shopping, then gone looking for the trolley, couldn't find it, stopped everyone asking if they had seen a trolley with two toddlers in it, had everyone running around like a headless chickens in a real panic.

Snuck out of the shop when I realised that it was Saturday, I wasn't working and the toddlers were safely at home with their parents!!

Walked out of the front door, thinking, what would I do if I locked myself out, slammed door behind me, locking myself out, leaving two 6 month olds still on lounge floor. Luckily (watching through patio doors) they fell asleep after 5 minutes as it took mum boss nearly an hour to get there!!

Last friday, playing football with 6 year old ex-charge, thought, imagine if I kicked the football through the window, 10 seconds later, did just that!!!!

Must stop thinking stupid things!

MrsMopple · 12/10/2009 23:57

I put a kettle on a gas ring to boil while I went on MN. Realised a bit later I hadn't heard it whistle. Went into the kitchen, saw the gas was on but not lit....

...and pushed the ignition button.

Thankfully got away with just a few charred tomatoes!

LissyGlitter · 13/10/2009 00:03

Sparky, that just had me actually Lolling!

mmmmmbuttons · 29/10/2009 23:54

Early one frosty morning I went out to scrape the ice off the car. Whilst doing so I stroked, petted and chatted to our elderly cat who was sat on the roof of the car. I jump in the car drove up the lane and pulled out on to the main road. I'm was driving at around 90kms/hr before I glanced in the rear view mirror to see afore mentioned kitty clinging Garfield like to the rear window screen wiper. Easy mistake to make once, twice? but three times... umm twatty!

dooit · 30/10/2009 00:12

My auntie went on holiday with my Mum and DCs for a week in sunny Blackpool. She had left the gas fire on! That in it's self is bad enough (gas fire left on for a week) but was made a little worse by the fact that DAuntie fell and broke her knee whilst on holiday and spent 8 weeks at DMums recovering before going home.

I kid you not, when I took DAuntie home 9 weeks after she set off on holiday I could feel the heat radiation through the front door of her house.

I hate to say it but I think my Auntie is the biggest twat. (that feels so wrong)

dooit · 30/10/2009 00:12

radiating not radiation!

benjysmum · 30/10/2009 00:53

I went into a salon to have my eyebrows shaped, explained what I wanted done to the girl behind the counter who kept nodding and smiling in what I should have noticed was a rather suspicious way. I sat down in the chair and closed my eyes. Opened my eyes and I had no eyebrows. Turns out she only spoke portugese and didn't understand a word of what I said. I had to draw my eyebrows in for about 4 weeks while they grew back. I'm not sure who was the bigger twat, probably me!!

SolidGhoulBrass · 30/10/2009 00:56

IN the early 90s when there was a cold spell and a lot of snow, was walking alongside Regent's Canal with (then) DP, and reckoned that the ice looked thick enough to skate on. He disagreed. I insisted on trying it by crouching on the bank and giving it a good kick.
Can you guess what happened next?

Luckily (then) DP is a man of superb reflexes and yanked me back up the bank before more than one leg had plunged into the icy water... I related the story to a paramedic pal a few days later who looked at me Very Sternly and said 'You do realise that if you'd fallen right into the water there would have been about 15 seconds to get you out before you died...'