I am a twat, I am a twat

[differentID]

yes, please all come and point at this twat in the corner!

My dh has just come in from work and noticed the iron was on.

I didn't unplug it after using it this morning before 8am, and didn't even realise though I have been home for 2 hours!

Can anyone beat that or just come and point and laugh at me please?

I remember my mother putting my little brother's trainers in the rayburn to dry them, and then finding them 3 days later! We did wonder what the odd smell was.

My H is the one who tends to do these things. I've had the police knock on my door to return the car keys that were in our car door in the street. Keys are often left in the car or front door. This did once result in his phone being stolen - although he was more upset that they hadn't taken his jacket too, "What's wrong with my jacket?!"

That's why we now live somewhere with a very low crime rate.

The worst thing he did was 'helpfully' do a water-change of my treasured fishtank while I was away. He filled it to the glass and suffocated all but 5 of my fish

He sleep walks too, so it doesn't necessarily end when he goes to sleep. I have found him buttering entire loaves of bread before now. But I guess that's another story.

I left the car door open overnight... as in wide open! It was hallowe'en night so every teenage twat in the village was maurading around egging houses and it was raining.

dp was a leetle bit irritated when he came down in the morning

I've also repeatedly stood at the cooker getting very irritated when a pan or pot isn't heating up only to realise after 20 mins that the damn wall switch isn't on and therefore neither is the cooker.

I take food out of the oven and walk off leaving the oven on... often

I was home from university in the holidays and had been out with friends, got back to Mum and Dad's a little tipsy {ok, more than a little) and decided to cook a Cornish pasty I found in the fridge.

Lit the gas oven and then threw the pasty into the flames at the back with full force where it caught fire. Rather than turning off the gas, I flailed at it with a tea towel which also caught fire.

Then my dad came in from a different pub and dragged the whole lot out with the oven gloves - yes you guessed it they caught fire and he dropped the whole lot on the floor.

My mum could not say much as she has also caught an iron and frequently puts her Tesco clubcard/library card in the cashpoint.

Twattishness must run in my family.

After asking someone for a light, I bent my face downward to the lighter that had been offered to me, and the person said 'You should probably put the fag in your mouth first...'

And I wasn't drunk either..

I am a Twat.

unfortunatley, my dh will have the mickey taken if he goes into work in unironed shirts. Apparently it's unprofessional to look like you slept in your clothes? don't see it myself, but there you go

We need more. these are brilliant.

Have done most of these, but nothing brilliantly funny or twattish is coming to mind.

The other night i smelt burning but couldn't find where it was coming from, informed dp, as i was heading out and was late, Dp sat there and did nothing (he apparently couldn't smell it).

Came back and could still smell it, so after some investigation, i found the reason, dp had been moving the furniture around, and had pushed my rocking chair to close to the lamp, the rocking chair had a towel over it, was pushing it directly onto the lightbulb beneath, had burnt through the shade and was currently burning through the towel grrrr.

And at work for some strange reason i decided that i would climb on the table to fix a painting to the ceiling, old table, legs collapsed, i fell off table into the step ladder (that i was meant to be using) and the table landed on my leg very very painful, and the painting which was attached got dragged back down. (work in nursery, although no children in the room at the time)

Leave my keys in ignition overnight at the weekend. Battery flat next day. Borrow DD's car and drive to Halfords to buy jump leads. Miss the one way system because I am talking. Shit. Drive round again. Take different wrong turning off one way system again because I am talking. Shit. Turn around and head for Halfords again. Accidentally turn left because it is my usual route home and I am talking. Shit shit shit. Turn around again and refuse to open mouth so that I finally make it to Halfords. I am a complete knob.

Bump. And have 'reported' your post DiffID to nominate for Classics

olissa hilarious LMAO

I've left my cash card in the machine with the pin number typed in, and asking me if I want cash, and I've wandered off perusing my balance reciept (thank you to the nice man in Waterloo station who returned it to natwest..)

When I first lived on a flat on my own the radiators stopped working, and boyfriend (now dh) said I should bleed them. About an hour later he phoned to ask how I was getting on. I said that it was going well, but there was so much water to let out I had had to get lots of jugs and buckets to take the water as it 'bled' out.

It was only after a stunned silence that he informed me that when you bleed a radiator you only let the air out, not the water. And in draining the water out of your hot water/heating system you could be in serious trouble. So, I'm not the twat here, clearly, its the person who came up with the expression "bleeding" the radiators, which would imply the letting out of a liquid, rather than calling it "aerating" or something more suitable..

Have left keys in front door on numerous occassions.

Picked up plates under hob forgetting they'd be hot

But the worse one was:

getting locked in the garage by DD1 (then 3), with front door wide open and DD2 (then 5mths), snoozing in carry cot. I remember throwing myself like something out of a James Bond film at the dwindling gap as the door shut to here DD1 giggling on the other side. It was the longest few minutes of my life as I pursuaded DD to press the button to open the door. I always take the garage fob with me now....

Has anyone noticed? It has been moved to Classics

Well done DiffID

And forgot one I meant to add. I parked my car once, went to a Very Important Meeting, set off to go back to carpark, got all the staff I was meeting, security guards and random passers-by in a stew because I had lost my car keys...

DH always used to leave his keys in the door. We had a lovely milkman who would post them back through the letter box for us. Very early one morning we had a knock on the door. Lovely milkman handed over DH's laptop - couldn't fit it throught he letterbox

dh is now grinning like a loon that this has made it into classics!

thanks vulps!

TWAT thing 1: Car wouldn't start, so I called the AA to come around and sort out my flat battery. Waited an hour before he turned up, then he sat in the front seat and PUT IT IN NEUTRAL! It had been in DRIVE the whole time. The battery was fine. I've not told a soul.

TWAT thing 2: Was off for the weekend by myself, heavily pregnant, to see an old friend who liveds in Dublin. My first time there. Being of a foreign persuasion (a Kiwi), I thought I'd need my passport, so tucked it in with my tickets, and off I set. Got there in plenty of time, proudly presented the tickets and passport, only to find that it was DH's passport. The irony is, you don't NEED a passport, you just need photo id, and I wasn't carrying a damn thing. Had to go all the way home, swap passports, and lumber rapidly back. Have not told DH, as I would never hear the end of it.

• one halloween i opened door to yet another bunch of surly teenage trick or treaters - i had had enough of lanky teenage boys on the scrounge and was going to tell them exactly that - except they werent - they had knocked to tell me i had left my keys in the lock, on a very busy road.

im always doing it. im also always going to bed and leaving the doors unlocked.

even worse is suddenly remembering youve left your hair straighteners on - running back home to find that actually you havnt - youve gone into autopilot and turned them off - you just dont remember doing it!

the other day i went to work and couldnt find my sandwich. i remembered getting it out of the fridge.
my DH found it. in a cupboard. twat. yes.

I've left the front door open when I lived in a flat and recently I left the car door open all night/morning/afternoon. Only closed when a neighbour knocked on the door to check if I was okay .

I left the back door wide open and went away for the weekend. When I was 16 in he family home. Mum was away. The video was pinched. We are lucky the whole house wasn't stripped! It was freezing when I got back.

Mum beat me this holiday however, by putting the electric kettle on the hob to boil.

I do hope the person we rented off doesn't read this....

I've been out and left the front door open.

Almost daily I go out and leave one of the back doors open.

We went shopping in the nearest town for a few hours and came back to car to find all doors locked but back one still wide open.

I frequently burn teatowels having left one of the hob rings on.

I burnt a chopping board the same way.

When DS1 was an infant, I accidentally locked myself out of the house. I'd left the back door wide open (it was a lovely day) and was saying farewell to an old friend who'd dropped by, when a sudden breeze slammed the front door shut behind me. The only way to the back of the house was through a locked door in the next close - it was a tenement flat, and none of my neighbours was in, to unlock the door.

I'd only recently moved into the area and really didn't know anyone; I knew one of my living room sash windows wasn't locked, but I was too feeble small and burdened with a 7 month old to push it up.

Then, Glory be! A chap DH and I had chatted to in the pub was walking down the street! I called across to him (using the wrong name ) and asked him if he'd climb in through the window for me. He gave me a very strange look, but rather charmingly agreed.

I later discovered that he was a scion of the local crime lord family.

I have also left my house unlocked, the keys in my motorcycle - but it's DH who keeps forgetting to switch off the cooker.

Oh I forgot another recent one!

Having collected the keys to the holiday home we were staying in over the Summer, I pulled up outside the door only to find no sign of the keys. They weren't in my pockets, I was sure I'd thrown them on the dashboard, but there was no sign anywhere; not on the floor, under the chairs (cue very unladylike scrabbling about beneath them with my arse in the air), not anywhere.

So I drove back down the road to where we'd had to go through a gate thinking, "They must have fallen onto the road!"

But no... still no sign of them. After an hour of frantic searching I suddenly remember that I hadn't put them on the dashboard at all, I'd put them in front of all the dials above the steering column. So I checked, and... nope, not there either! But when I felt around the back I realised there was a gap behind the steering wheel, and there were the keys, happily nestled in all the wires inside the steering column itself

No one was having a brilliant start to the holiday at this point.

Another hour with various hand-made tools (bent coathanger) finally freed them.

So I'm a twat too.

I once parked my motorbike in the street outside the office in central London. I then left the keys, complete with their large flourescent yellow keyfob (that I bought because "it's so bright there's no way I'll miss it"), sat on the seat all day. I was amazed that the bike was still there when I got back.

I am a rank amateur twat compared to my ex, though. She has left her door keys in the front door, lost her purse, set fire to her fringe while lighting a cigarette off the hob, left the hob on for hours, left hair-straighteners turned on... And she's done all those things not just once or twice but dozens of times.

Decided whilst drunk on Vodka and OJs to give my eyelashes the most almighty curling ever in the loos of a club. I summoned all my grip on them and lost the balance in my propped up elbow on the sink and ripped them all out by the root.

Builder installing a fence outside my house asked if I could move my car forward about 3 meters. After I had been sitting in the car trying to turn the locked key and nothing happening for 5 mins he politely asks if I need a hand; he turns them gently and the car starts . Five minutes later he comes around again and finds me trying to move the locked steering, he touches it and it turns he asks if this is the car I normally use... "er yes".....