Dear Husband (or Wife)... Just a quick note to let you know:

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

We do not need two of everything, including tiny dustpan and brush for sweeping crumbs off the table, which you (and certainly I) never do.

Nor do we need fifteen different varieties of coolbag.

That spare car battery you left in the utility room has caught my ankles so many times I would throw it through the window. If only I could lift the damn thing.

I know you need a shed, but must you live in it?

Teaching the three boys to burp God Save the Queen is not going to go down particularly well at Cubs.

Nor is armpit-farting.

Nor normal farting, at will, for that matter. Yes, I know I do it. But not to a chorus of masculine approval at the level of vibration, volume and reverberation.

I would like you occasionally to try a Paul Smith shirt even though you think James May looks like a girl. Dad-wear from Tesco is getting a bit tedious.

And by the way, I have set up an Amazon gift list for a reason. I do not expect you - as I have posted here many times - to come back from Tesco the night before my birthday with another Top Gear DVD.

Thanks

id love a top gear dvd from tescos.i get second hand 'L' plates and an out of date highway code with a broken promise that dh will pay for me to have driving lessons as a birthday present.suprisingly its not happened.

i do agree with farting(armpit and bottom)to a tune is very annoying.
and my dh does the 2 of everything too.

Can we add to this???? It reminds me of the "To the people who I bought my house from" Thread.

Of course you can. I was kind of hoping you would.

Dearest DP,

Please understand that the dishwasher rules are simple - you only put the clean stuff away. The dirty stuff goes back in the dishwasher

Children make noise - deal with it they are not going to stop

When I am 6 mnths pregnant with a temperature of 39 degrees and trying to cook dinner for everyone whilst dealing with a tantruming 1 year old, this is not the time to decide to pull the sofa and toy box out and hoover behind them.

If you give a 1 yr old an open topped bottle to drink out of they will spill it, repeatedly, until you take it away from them, don't get cross with them for making a mess, also don't shake a matching bottle whilst they are drinking out of an open one

Whilst I realise that not all blokes have any sort of relationship with domestic appliances please understand that stating that you have done the dishwasher "for you" or mowed the lawn "for you" or any other general household task "for you" May result in me going fishing "for you" and how much fun would that be??

ahhh thats better.. Kitkat heads off for more paracetamol....

Dearest Dh,

I love you very much, but do we really need 7 drum kits in the house at any one time?

And please, if you start a major job such as tiling the kitchen, can you please buy some more grout so it can be finished off.

Feel a bit better now.

Dear DH,

I love you dearly, but please, would you refrain from expresing every thought you have every second you have it.

WOuld you also please take the lid of the laundry basket and place your dirty laundry inside, rather than leaving stuff on or beside it.

And it is not 'my' washing - it is ours.

Thank you for buying a super-large mower which is too heavy for me to push so that I never have to mow lawns.

Thank you for dealing with all matters plumbing and electrical so that I do not have to get my head round any of that stuff.

Thank you for dealing with all my parking tickets and only shaking your head once

Thank you for unfailingly doing more than your share of the chores

But please would you stop buying things for the house? I know they are all bargains but thing is, bargains are only bargains if you actually want to use them in the first place.

We have never used the sandwich toaster, pink floral sunlounger, 3rd toolbox, brown net curtains (okay you did put them up but I took them straight down) something called a George Forman (which is nothing to do with boxing) rowing machine, handheld sewing machine, facial sauna, 3rd swingbin, catcomb, footspa, bargain 10 year old pc, 4th hand bike that is too small for anyone and anyhow we all already HAVE bikes ...

Oh yes. He has also bought many 'bargain' lamps. All hideous. I won't go into cushions, which have seriously made me wonder whether or not he is actually colour blind. Also desks and chairs. Bedside tables too. We have four beds in the house - two doubles and two singles. We have six bedside tables. This is a normal and adequate number of bedside tables. Only DH could come back from the shops with 4 excruciatingly ugly (but cheap) additions to our bedside table family. All of these have had to be recycled ...

The sock mountain should be in the washing basket, or even the washing machine, rather than on the floor by your computer.

I told you we did not need a toasted sandwich maker.

Those shorts with the cat sick on only got pissed on by the cats because for some reason you left them in the middle of the kitchen floor for 3 days, not because the cats hate you.

My DH is like your DP Reality, so with that in mind:

Dear DH, I realise you are very busy most of the time but I would really appreciate it if you could find the time to clear the garage of all the junk bits and pieces you are storing for the day you are going to make a guinea pig run/set of shelves for the utility room/wine rack. It hasn't happened in 13 years, it's not going to is it?

also - reading what I'm typing over my shoulder whilst pretending to look for something on the shelves is quite annoying. I'm on to you.

Dear DH,

It would be really great if, nearly every time I ask you what you want to do/eat, you didn't say 'I dunno, what do you want to do/eat?'

I appreciate that you are so easy-going that you generally will go along with what I want. BUT, I will tell you what I want without any prompting (and I think you know this by now!). If I ask your opinion, it's because I want your opinion. When I want you to agree with me, you'll know about it!

P.S. - If you do ever get your enormous stage amplifier from your parents' shed, rest assured it will go straight past the house and into our shed. Your small guitar amplifier is loud and window-rattling enough.

Ooh, thanks for this opportunity, I was just thinking how much I wanted to say...

Dear DH,

You are practically perfect in every way, but I cannot understand how you got to your age without realising that dishcloths, flannels, sponges etc need to be rinsed and squeezed after you've used them. Leaving things in a dripping heap of dirty water is disgusting.

Thanks

Mrsb

Quattro - my DP says cushions are a sign of a girl who is nesting (for which read: preparing for babies). In that case what is your DH doing buying them?

Dear DH,

I am not going to take you seriously just because you tack "Seriously" on the end of your more provocative statements.

I don't know who it is phoning at this time either, why would I, we don't have caller display, stop asking me.

The silences in my phone conversations with mutual friends are not there for you to fill, I'm generally listening to them.

If I call you a tragic old gipper because of your taste in trousers, it can still generally be construed as affection .

Dear DH,
I love you dearly and appreciate how hard you work so I don't have to can spend my time writing.
But please learn to cook. If I become an international bestseller and am on a world tour or ,more likely, am killed by a bear, you and DCs will not be able to live on toast.

Snigger, I spat out my wine at the 'seriously' thing.

I would like to start off with Yankncock's piece:

'Dear DH,

It would be really great if, nearly every time I ask you what you want to do/eat, you didn't say 'I dunno, what do you want to do/eat?'

I appreciate that you are so easy-going that you generally will go along with what I want. BUT, I will tell you what I want without any prompting (and I think you know this by now!). If I ask your opinion, it's because I want your opinion. When I want you to agree with me, you'll know about it! grin'

And add:

Darling, I really appreciate how good you are at house work, and yes you are the best washer upper in the world. However I would really appreciate it if when you take the foil lid off the milk you would put it in the bin instead of leaving it face down on the surface.

Thanks very much!

Dear MsPan,

You too are perfect in just about every way. And your imperfections merely reveal your perfectness.

However.

when I cook dinner, can you please please please NOT find the slightest trifling excuse to go and "do" something just at that moment?? Feed the cat. Record something on SKY that isn't on until next week. Text a friend. Make a cup of tea. That sort of thing. This means the wonderfully prepared and sweated-over meals that I cook, which you tell me are excellent (and you know your food), goes cool and on ocassion cold.

I appreciate that this is a female trait, for some unfathomable reason. But I would like it if you would heed my squealing pleas and general rolling of eyes and be ready to dine?? You always get the two-three minute warning, but still a diversion appears. Do you think I am being petty and demanding??

Love and kisses.

Your Pan.

thank you.